Christmas Joke

Stargazer · Dec 11, 2002

pssst...Andy--I don't think it did.

Andy S., BSN, RN · Dec 11, 2002

OK, lets try this again. If it doesn't work, just ignore this thread and laugh at my stupidity. At least I am good for comic relief if it doesn't work........LOL

Andy

panda_181 · Dec 11, 2002

Way too cute...

Amanda :)

RN always, BSN, RN · Dec 11, 2002

here's my contribution, but I can't take the credit for writing it.

Holiday Tips!!

THOU SHALT NOT SKIM FLAVOR FROM THE HOLIDAYS

By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and

forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police

come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get

through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a

magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts.

Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with

butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good

grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot

stick? I don't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something

you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating.

I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if

you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore,

anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots

on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In

fact,if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where

they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine

single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than

single-malt scotch.You can't find it any other time of year but now.

So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?

It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or

something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.

Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.

Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with

gravy.

Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk

or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a

sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to

control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is

to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember

college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New

Year's.

You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is

the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet

table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like

frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position

yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before

becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of

shoes.You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them

again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of

each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one

pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than

one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruit cake? Granted, it's loaded with the

mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,

have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the

party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips.

Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!