Nursing Admission Essay, help please!

[lilac6]

Hi, I'm applying to Nursing for the fall semester and need help editing my essay. I've read it so many times that I don't know if it sounds good anymore. I'm applying as a Second degree in Nursing, as I already have a BA in Psychology. The school is asking why I am pursuing a Nursing career at this stage of my life. The more I read it, the more it sounds too personal and generic? I don't know. Please be honest! I know my ending needs a bit of work.. I'm having a hard time wrapping it up.

_____

Being raised in a family with several nurses, I often felt out of place at family gatherings because I did not want to pursue a career in the medical field. When asked what I wanted to do in life, I frequently answered with a monotone "I don't know." However, as time passed I slowly warmed up to the idea, though I did not admit it to myself.

As I began my college career, I put little effort into my schooling as I was still questioning what I would do in my life. I was unmotivated, immature and was more concerned about having fun than acquiring good grades. It was not until I enrolled in courses such as Anatomy and Physiology and Microbiology where I learned more about the human body, and became fascinated with its intricate yet seemingly effortless operations. I realized that I was ruining the basis of my future, my future as a nurse. I had a defining moment in my life; this is what I want to do. I was motivated to excel in my classes and no matter what, become a nurse. I soon changed my study habits and made the Dean's List the following semesters.

Some time later I began working at a doctor's office, where I learned basic medical terminology and patient care. I learned to listen to the patients' needs and provide aid while treating them as an individual. Every so often, medical personnel forget to treat patients as individuals and only as their symptoms. I hope to listen and provide extraordinary care to patients in their time of need.

If allowed the opportunity at (school) , I will work hard to be a qualified and exemplary nurse. I know that I will be given the highest quality academic and clinical experiences to help build and develop my Nursing career. Knowing that I will have access to the best educators will push me to do my best and give me the confidence to surpass what I believe I am capable of doing.

Nursing is a profession that I have always looked upon with great respect, though did not appreciate until recently. It is a demanding and challenging career, which I am ready to embark on. The Nursing career is for those who are dedicated, ambitious and ready to be intellectually challenged, all of which I am. I accept that I have faltered in the past, but I have matured and learned from my mistakes.

[lovinlife11]

Wow, I think it's a great essay. Personal, but not too personal. I wish you lots of luck!!

[plasmatix]

I sent you a PM with some edits meant to clarify certain statements. They are suggestions, NOT definites. You should use what you feel good about. After all, it's supposed to be your personal statement.

Overall, I think it's pretty darn good. Your writing skills are quite a bit above the average seen these days, which will help you enormously, especially if you're trying for a BSN program. Best of luck!

[lilac6]

Thanks guys! I wasn't too confident on my writing skills after staring at the essay for such a long time haha

plasmatix thanks for the edits/suggestions. The essay has a word limit so I wasn't able to expand on many of the points. But, I'll keep your suggestions in mind when editing my other essay. It was very helpful!