Numbing 'the bad' out for 8 years..somethings gotta give.

[Da_Milk_of_Amnesia, MSN]

I've been a firefighter and CFR/EMT since I was 16 years old. I'm now 24 and a RN but I still do fire and EMS when I'm not working. You know people always say that as teenagers we always think that we are 'invincible' and that certain things wont ever happen to us or affect us, and for a time it might not....but they eventually will creep up and cause problems. Have you ever watched "Rescue Me?" In short, Tommy Gavin (Played by Denis Leary) is a selfish prick, but is damn good at what he does, the only problem is he has and incredible amount of skeletons (which he sees as dead people that he's pulled from fires, etc) and the whole show is pretty much about a guy who can save everyone else, do all this daring stuff, but can't save himself. I feel like this epitomizes my life. I give a crap way more about the other people I'm out there risking my ass for than myself. Does that sound insane to anyone else? There's more...

As you can imagine I've seen some really horrific things that most teenagers and adults will never see in their life times. I feel like its warped my mind. I feel like sometimes I'm there to clean up everyone else's mistakes. "Ohhh don't worry you can drive drunk and when you slam into a car full of people or kill your best friend DONT WORRY. I'm gonna get out of my bed at 2am and come and rescue your pathetic self, but don't worry your best friend/wife/ or family is all dead, but you made it. CONGRATULATIONS!" I really started to think (around 21 or so) that there really IS NOT any good in the world and that people are primarily all bad, selfish, inconsiderate to others etc. I'm extremely jaded to say the least, in fact I may be beyond jaded and Idk what to even call it...There are certain things in life i have no tolerance for...(these are just a few of my experiences ) people who drive drunk and kill other people, people who commit suicide, and people who are murderers......So the problem...

I've never once went to a CISD meeting and I refuse to. I have a problem with swallowing my pride and asking for help. I think it shows that you can't handle the job, and I am a firm believer in the saying "If you can't take the heat then get the hell out off the kitchen" And the one time I was asked "If i needed to talk to someone" I said nahhh I'm fine...The one incident that haunts me till this day is My friend who got murdered by her D-bag husband.... I had to testify in front of a grand jury because I was #3 at the scene. I went to the sentencing and was nearly arrested for disorderly conduct because I went ABSOLUTELY NUTS when they sentenced him to 18 years with a charge of 2nd degree Manslaughter. Idk who I'm really angry at...myself because I couldn't save her or him because of what he did...even after the initial incident I was asked If I wanted to talk to somoene and I said no. So me and my friend "S" would meet at the bar every wed to have some drinks....sooner than I thought I was pretty much there getting smashed every night and driving home SMASHED every night...Drinking became a big part of my life (and still is) and I was never sure why I was..I knew that somewhere deep down inside that I was trying to forget things, and numb it out and just try and forget about after 8 fricking years...the skeletons are still there and they aint leaving anytime soon....

Idk why I'm writing this and Idk if anyone is even gonna respond because Idk what I'd say to me if I was reading this...People are probabaly going to tell me I need to get out of EMS and my response is this..I can't I love it way to much...I need to find more healthy ways of dealing with the things i see before I end up driving myself nuts....I just dont think anyone has been thru what Ive been thru and dealt wit the stuff that I have..I truly do feel as if I'm so unique to this situation, and I have way to much pride to go and talk to my officers about it cuz I know they'd make me take a leave and there ain't a cold chance in hell that I'm gonna do that. Idk maybe someone has some advice they can offer me because right now I feel like I am the way I am because of all this 'bad' stuff Ive seen, and it's the reason why I'm selfish and a A-hole to other people because If i can keep people away..I'll never get hurt....

[Kymmi]

You are right....I dont really know what to say to you because it sounds like you have to much what you think is pride to go and get professional help. I see you viewing professional help as admittance of weakness but you couldnt be farther from the truth. It takes a strong person to admit that they need help and to seek out professional help. The weak people turn to drugs/alcohol and keeping things buried in themselves because they are not strong enough to face the facts.

I guess you have 2 choices.....the first choice is admitting that you do need help and be strong and ask for help so you can continue your life OR the second choice is to ignore the fact that these events have affected you and remain weak and hide them behind alcohol and anger and wake up 20 years from now and realize that you are 20 years older and regret not living your life to the fullest....that is if you make it 20 more years because you admitted that you are one of the people that you hate the most because you said you cant stand people that drink and drive and then admitted you do that yourself so if you are lucky enough not to kill yourself or someone else you might grow old and regret choices you've made now.

[morte, LPN, LVN]

believer in the saying "If you can't take the heat then get the hell out off the kitchen"quote

OP, your "kitchen" is on fire.....call the "fire dept", in this case a therapist of some sort......NOW. your hatred of others who drink,drive and kill, is nothing compared to what you will feel when you are the perp.