New to Pre-op/PACU and SO OVERWHELMED!

[MerBearRN, ASN]

Help! I need to vent, or I need reassurance, probably both. I have been a nurse since 2018. I started out on an extremely busy intermediate care unit and had 4-5 fairly high acuity patients per shift, and was immediately overwhelmed, stressed, had daily panic attacks and cried in the bathroom multiple times a day. It was terrible, I was told that if I could survive that floor, I could work anywhere. I stayed there for a little over a year, and the COVID hit. I don't even know how I got through that time. I transferred to the ICU thinking it would be better for me, but I ended up hating it. I ended up severely depressed and unable to work, took some FMLA to try and re-evaluate my career choices. The problem was I was constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off during that time, just trying to keep my head above water and keep patients alive, I don't really feel like I learned anything. After a few months, a friend and colleague from the intermediate care unit mentioned to me that she transfered to Endoscopy and loved it, and there was an opening for another nurse. I applied, got the job and absolutely loved it. It was amazing, everything about it. It was just "easy". 2 years later, we receive military orders and I have to leave. I am now working in a smaller hospital in pre-op/PACU and I feel like that baby nurse crying in the bathroom and having panic attacks all over again. I am SO OVERWHELMED. To the point where my brain just shuts off mid day and I can't even take in any more information. The charting is INSANE and so redundant, and I hate Epic. It is not uder friendly. I just feel like I will never be good enough, and never get it down. I doubt myself all the time, I have never felt like I have nurses intuition, or good critical thinking and time management skills. Frankly, I feel like an absolutely terrible nurse. Imposter syndrome? Or is it the truth? I just don't know what to do. I have almost 5 years "experience" yet I still absolutely feel like a new nurse, like I know nothing. I had a legit panic attack tonight, brown paper bag, dry-heaving , the whole shebang. It wasn't pretty. I really do like the staff I work with now, my preceptor is great, an amazing nurse which makes me feel worse, like I will never be her. But I can't keep feeling like this, or I'll have a heart attack before I'm 40. I'm not a stupid person, I have a husband and 2 beautiful kids who I have raised to be amazing people. So why do I feel like I am completely incompetent as soon as I walk into a hospital? 

[ArreisBSN]

MerBear, God bless your heart. You don't have to work yourself like this. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, and that includes yourself. Your identity is not your job.  Life is too short to be feeling this way. You're not in harmony with the real you. You sound like you're trying to fit yourself into the wrong shape box. I hear you say- oh I'm not hit his and this I don't have that and that skill- and perhaps these are accurate observations though I get the feeling that they are skewed by the stress you feel. But what about who you REALLY are, the skills you DO have? What makes you HAPPY? When do you feel good? This is some journaling or self vloging that needs to serious take place for your or I fear what lies ahead for you, It sounds like you haven't found a good fit of specialty for you yet. Have you considered a different unit or even getting out of the hospital setting altogether that can accommodate the REAL you? That has OTHER amazing skills and talents? You need to listen to your body, or it's going to seriously crap out on you, and it sounds like the organ being most affected in your heart and mind. Don't be afraid to change gears. It might take a couple Lilly pads to finally hop on the right one. Nursing is a big pond. <3 peace <3