negative outlook on cancer

[Shadelyn]

(Sorry this is so long) About 3 months ago my husband told me that his grandfather had some cancer removed from his bladder. The family didn't seem all that concerned about it I guess they figured that it was removed and that was that. At the time I thought to myself that this probably wouldn't be the end of it, but I didn't say anything.

I don't know a whole lot about cancer other than the fact that my pappy died of it and my gramma came pretty close. If I hear that someone has it I pretty much assume that they will either die soon or that after treatment they will be a different person. My gramma beat cancer 2 years ago and she is a shell of a person, she doesn't look the same, act the same or enjoy anything at all ever.

Last month cancer was found again and they decided to remove his entire bladder and prostate, but they told him not to worry; he wouldn't even miss them. Before they could schedule the operation they found lung cancer. So they scheduled chemo and put the bladder problems on hold. I told my husband that although it was grim he should spend time with him now because this could get a whole lot worse before it got any better. Today my husband called and said that they found cancer in grampa's lymph nodes. He was pretty broken up. But he said that they were still going to do the chemo, but that there might be more cancer that they haven't found yet.

I didn't really know what to tell him. It just sounds so fast moving and fatal to me. I find myself thinking that if I were him that I would decline treatment only seeking comfort measures. Maybe I am misinformed. I feel that as a future nurse I should have faith in the medical system and hope that he can overcome this. But, all I can think is that he has lived his life and that although it is horribly sad life is terminal and we all die. Am I just being morbid? How on earth am I going to deal with this on a daily basis as a nurse? How do you give someone hope and encouragement on the floor when things look so bleak?

[MIA-RN1, RN]

Im not a nurse yet, but I have some experience with cancer. My husband has had it for about 4 years now. He's been in remission for about 3 1/2 years and I know we are very lucky with that.

The feelings that the diagnosis brings up are extreme and I think everyone reacts differently. Your grandpa's way of dealing is to fight it, and if that's what he wants to do, more power to him. When my uncle was dying of brain cancer when I was a little girl, I remember him saying over and over again that he would beat it and he treated it aggressively, even tho the outlook, and outcome, was bleak.

As far as overcoming the dx of terminal illness....I question whether anyone over comes it vs just learns to cope with it. My husband's remission is the answer to our prayers...but I don't hold my breath that its not coming back some day. The realist in me won' t let me think its gone for good (Its leukemia, and the med he is on is pretty new--gleevec--and although it looks great, long term data isn't there yet). Some with say I am being pessimistic but to me, I am being realistic. We all have our own ways of coping in any case. You are not being morbid or sad for realizing that death is the very fact of life and the ultimate progression.

As nurses, we will deal with life and death lots of times but I can't imagine that every day will be that way. I think it depends on what part of the field you choose to enter. Surely an office nurse for an internist will see far less cancer than an oncololgy nurse in a med center. So don't feel like you *have* to choose a place in the profession that is uncomfortable for you.

Maybe a way you can deal with this is to look in your textbooks and see what it says about helping people cope with cancer. There are the stages of grief that Kubler-Ross gives us, and its very likely that your husband and his grampa are both dealing with these stages, and possibly different ones. What does your diagnosis book say about grief and coping issues? Maybe there is something there you can use to help your loved ones thru this awful time.

Remember as nurses we surely will save lives, but part of our job too, is enhancing and helping the life that is left, no matter how long that might be. I think you'll be great nurse.

((hugs)) to you and yours in this bleak time.

[MadisonsMomRN, BSN, RN]

I kind of feel the same as you do. You would figure that more could be done for cancer patients.

I believe you are going to be a great nurse. I can tell you have compassion. Sometimes when a dx of terminal illness is made silence is best. I remember learning that in school.

:icon_hug: to you and your family.

[PamUK]

I am a cancer nurse and it sounds to me like you you are pretty well in-tune with what is going on. I suspect that they are continuing with plans to give chemo for palliative reasons - unlikely to lenghthen his life but it will certainly reduce any symptoms such as breathlessness & pain. Usually when chemo is given in this way, it is smaller doses than would be given if the aim was a cure, so reducing any nasty side effects such as nausea, vomiting, bone marrow depression

How do you give hope? Thats a tough one. All you can do is be there for your husband and family and give your support and understanding. Can you help them to change their stance on what hope means? Not hope that he will overcome this (although that is always an outside possibility) but hope that his death will be a peaceful and dignified one

I think that your feelings that he has had a good long life and it is all very sad, shows you are being realistic. It is the people who have unrealistic expectations who fare worst when the inevitable happens. Just try & get your husband to be as realistic as you are. That doesn't me to say he cant be upset, but you are quite right, life is a terminal journey.

[Shadelyn]

Thank you for the wonderful replies. I'm glad to know that the chemo will make him more comfortable, and that I'm being realistic as to the situation. I told my husband that he should hope for the best, but that the best might be a peaceful death. I think he is more worried about his mother than anything she is her daddys girl. So sad, I wish I could help them know that sometimes there is peace in death. Maybe it's just because I've never lost anyone close to me, but I never really feel all that sad for older people when they die. I am heart broken for their families though.

Today I found out that it is Stage 4 and that they are "fighting" it. He is having a Medi-port implanted and will receive chemo for an hour once a week for three weeks, rest a week and then repeat.

I hope that I can carry this with me as a floor nurse, I haven't considered a specialty yet. I'm in my first semester part time and won't have an actual "nursing" course for about a year.