My only regret leaving the bedside...

[OkayOkay]

I am a life long journal-er, and I wasn't quite sure where to put this, so I'm leaving it here.

I had a VERY hard time leaving the bedside. It was my reason for waking up in the morning (and afternoon) for nine years. After a lot of thinking and finally getting my Master’s, I left the bedside to help grow a clinic from the ground up. I wanted more autonomy, I wanted to be respected and I wanted to be a Leader in health care that would make a difference.

After the first month at my new job, I felt empty. I felt incomplete. I felt drawn to work the bedside. I felt like I didn’t know who I was. I started going to therapy because I didn’t understand why I was so miserable. After all, I didn’t have to deal with the inconsistent schedule or constant reminders of mistakes other people made and little praise for my own accomplishments.

Since I'm growing my clinic I'm not only the manager, but I'm the MA, the AA, the Triage Nurse, the Clinic Nurse, the Nurse Coordinator. I like being busy. I worked in a PICU before this and I feel like the amount of work I do is the same. I would think, “I’m valued at this job! People like what I say. I’m not tired all the time. Why am I so empty?”. I was growing into my new position as a Leader, but at my core I was a Bedside Nurse.

After the first two months of therapy I found that unresolved resentment towards specifics of my previous job was the root of my depression. To have such negative feelings around where I felt most complete was weird for me.

To hear what is going on at the bedside kills me. I want to help. I want to be there. I want to lessen the burden. I was a great Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse. But if I went back to the bedside, I would expect PPE not only to protect myself, but to protect my family and anyone who would happen to be in contact with my family. I would want to be treated kindly. I deserve that. All the health care professionals deserve that. I don’t think that is what is happening.

I didn't realize it, but when I left the bedside, I was jaded. I was exhausted. I reflect now and know that I was leaving an abusive relationship. I felt like I was nothing without working at the bedside. I still feel like I am a worthless nurse now because I'm not at the bedside. But I am finding myself. I am regaining my self-worth that I had before I worked the bedside.

The only regret I have about leaving the bedside is that I can’t help now.