how many women have felt like this?

[Robin61970]

Most of you who frequent this board know my stroy...I quit a well paying job to go to school(because of health reasons) I chose to go to the ADN program. Now here I am not working, trying to get all of my financial assistance lined out, totally broke, and terrified. My husband works, but when you go from 2 incomes to 1 it is very scary...he keeps telling me it will be okay and I know that he will do all he can to make it that way, but whether he realizes it or not...he is not mighty mouse here to save the day,lol.

My biggest problem is that I have taken care of myself since I was 15 and got my first job...I bought my own school clothes, class ring, prom dresses and the whole bit...so now 15 years later after taking care of myself for so long I find myself depending on my husband. I'm not so sure I will make it....It's really hard for me to have someone take care of me after all these years. My aunt says it is a test from God, I don't know, but I do know it is hard! I clean house, but if I don't do everything and my husband has to do something I feel guilty. If I am out running errands or visiting my aunt and don't do what "I" think I should do I feel guilty.....I guess I am putting too much pressure on myself to make things perfect. I don't know, but I am having a really hard time to deal with this.....so I wanted to know if anyone out there has hadany problems similar to this and how did you deal with it?

[Robin61970]

Cen....don't mind what you had to say....Louie did upset me though. I want to make it a little more apparent to others why I am having such a hard time with not working and doing my share of pulling in money.

My mother has been an alcoholic for as long as I remember...when I was 10 or so I would cook dinner for my brother and sister...clean up...get them to bed...get them up...take my brother to the sitter and my sister and I would go to school. That was my life in a nutshell....there was alot more to it...my brother called me mommy til he was 4. From before the age of ten I had no one to depend on. Only me and my grandparents when they could help. I had to take care of myself and everyone around me...so now having to totally depend on someone else is really hard for me. I told my husband I felt almost like I was losing my identity...he doesn't totally understand, but he is trying.

I have a wonderful husband...he wants me to do whatever makes me happy and will do whatever he can to make that happen. I am very lucky to have such a supportive person in my life. I know that when I do get discouraged and scared when I am in school that he won't hesitate to give me a kick in the ass and get me going again. I thank god for him....

I try to get everything done around the house before he gets home, but if i don't it upsets me...he thinks it's illy...i don't want him to get too used to me doing it all...we have discussed it and he looks at me being a full time student as a full time job so he will help with all of the housework and such....

Just wanted to comment ...thanks all of you who answered...

[Jenny P]

Robin, I think I know what you are talking about when you are worrying about not bringing in money after having to do it all from such a young age. I have strong "caretaker" tendancies after being the stable one in my family, too. I did put my husband through his last year of his BS degree, then through his masters' program, and never took the time to finish my own BSN that he has been encouraging me to do for so long.

Our son was on drugs for about 3 years, and I joined Al-Anon to stay sane during that time. That is where I learned that I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to take care of everyone, and I don't have to beat myself up mentally everytime I don't get everything right. The Al-Anon daily meditation book "Courage to Change" continues to guide me in valuing myself even now, 3 years later.

Life is more than just bringing home a paycheck; your contribution to your family and home will be your working on your education. And life goes on whether or not the house is cleaned or laundry is done or everything is perfect. Stop beating yourself up; nothing is perfect in life.

BTW, my husband is a great cook, and I don't mind one bit when he fixes a meal for us-- it's the clean up after him that's the pits! Let your hubby do for you; you'll do for him some day too!