Low Self-Esteem Aspiring CNA

Hello all, I have been watching and reading stories from here since I was about 20 and an aspiring Nurse before my family problems (Marriage/family of origin issues) and have a little bit of a story for ya'll.

Firstly, I'm a male so there's that.

Secondly, my family has low standards for me, for example, my Mom continued to pester me about applying for disability a couple of years ago and I was accepted and I've been collecting for about two years. I don't really consider myself disabled. The illness is Schizophrenia and I'm undergoing treatment for it. I was mostly homeless in the past and living in and out of motels and wanting to become a Police Officer and thought Police were sending me out secret signals in the Police scanner to help work for them, also I thought a gang that was my neighbor (Police found out no one was living there in the motel I was staying at) was trying to get me to join and the initiation was to walk to an old High School friend's house and punch them in the face after knocking on their door. I would walk away from the motel for dozens of miles sometimes just to get away from these voices and I thought I was being stalked and harassed for being a bus monitor because they wanted to ruin my reputation and didn't want me to be able to financially support myself without being apart of the gang. This is just a brief summary of some of the hallucinations I would have. I was disobedient of my diagnosis of Schizophrenia for about a year where I rejected my treatment outside of my forced Hospitalizations (can't legally own a gun because of it) and I tried seeking out alternative theories from different Psychiatrists that weren't apart of the Hospital but all the offices I contacted weren't accepting new patients. I just accept that I have Schizophrenia now and take my meds and accept my place in Society, but that's kind of what this post is about.

A little about me. I've always been the gifted child growing up in my family where what I did was viewed as right (I was the youngest) until I got older and moved away and lived in with a Girlfriend because I was desperate to leave my parents and also to lose my virginity (to this date I've only had 2 girlfriends and I'm 32, I'm short, hairy and poor so I don't have many options, also I'm kind of annoying with being interested in Philosophy and being disagreeable with people about Moral things and Politics but we won't go there). When I lived with this girlfriend though, before she became my wife, I was very ambitious, she dropped out of College and pursued working at a Dairy Queen and became Assistant Manager and used to hold arts and crafts conventions and the owner said he'd make her Restaurant Manger of a new one he was gonna open up, and she got invited to Corporate celebrations were small people became promoted into bigger Status individuals, so it's not like she wasn't ambitious herself. Well, all this time, she was mainly making more money than me, until I stopped working 3 jobs (she also owned her own pet-sitting business and it was like a freaking vacation going to those jobs because of the pools and Real Estate space - lots of private detectives, Nurses, School teachers, etc. that knew her or related to one of her business clients in High School would refer her and she got hella jobs).. well I got an Assistant Management position at a Subsidized Housing facility and I started to have more benefits and making more money than her and she kind of sabotaged it. I was the least happy working there because she would constantly pick fights with me from my Lunch break, to before she dropped me off at work. I think she was scared because I was outperforming her economically I would drop her (we were married at this point), and to be honest, I thought about it, because we would fight sometimes for 5 hours at a time, both trying to change eachother. A good example of why this is negative behavior, or destructive, is because it's like getting a BMW and using a hammer to try to turn it into a boat, you just end up with a pile of rubble. Come to find out, I was re-enacting my Co-dependency with her by taking care of her over myself. For example, I would spend money on going out to places that she wanted to go, I would go out to stores with her that I found boring to make her happy, and she wouldn't go to Home Depot with me and look around, and she didn't wanna budge on parenting despite me making strides to become a Peaceful Parent.

Now, I'm 32, and I still want the shot of being a stable provider and to have some Authority in areas that provide value to my spouse, and Home School my child (one of us would have to stay home).. but that's not gonna happen unless I stop accepting the disability payments by going to School and Working at least part time to start, and probably buy a car. I stopped driving now for 2 years, I just didn't want the Responsibility. It's the same with working, I'm becoming complacent and useless, and my social circle all basically approves of it or encourages me to do things like writing (which I've been doing and I've gained not a single dollar or penny from my patreon, Youtube, facebook, Gab sites, etc. despite having all payment links available). So now, why CNA?

My mom's a CNA and she keeps telling me stories to question my own belief in my ability to be a good CNA or to even not be fired. Like one of the people I used to work with at a Grocery store was becoming a CNA and he was kind of a sloppy worker but he liked helping people, he's just kind of disorganized (yeah, I know, so is my writing, sorry, I'm being timed at the Library right now, I didn't expect to want to unleash some of these stories) and she said her co-worker was complaining that he's all over the place. He said, " No Good, No Good" (he's kind of got broken English), and she keeps telling me how new CNAs are so horrible at her company they don't listen to her instructions and she becomes frustrated with them. I'm used to being complimented for my work, It's entry-level work probably a Middle Schooler can do like unloading pallets, counting bills, entering inventory, dishing out freight, zoning, Customer Service, etc. and I won employee of the month 2 times in one year (most people are lucky to win it once, if at all, all the employees have a vote), everyone complimented me for my work. I was fast, efficient, and organized, I made a few mistakes, and I had trouble counting everything that we ordered from the truck on the bill itself, but I still made phone calls to ask for help and made it work. So, I'm worried. I'm worried I'm gonna fail expectations and looked at as a slacker, like I used to look at some other people that I worked with who would just talk, or walk around and get the bare minimum done. I also don't wanna be a workhorse who accomodates other people's laziness to the point where they're doing less patients or less work because I'm there, and yes I care about people. I could make more money entry-level working 3rd Shift at Wal-mart doing Freight, but I care about people and I like the feeling I get from helping people, but I can't dodge this voice, that I think was planted by both my Parents that I'm a failure and it's not going to work. There is a CNA class that cost like 1,600$ and I have the funds for it and I keep saying I'll go to the next class until the next appointment comes around. I wish I just had someone that believed in me, or came from parent's that valued an education and would never look at me as a failure. My parents wouldn't outright say that I'm a failure, to be clear, but they have very low expectations of me, and I live in an area with High Drug dependency, like heroin/fentynol, high Alcoholism, High homelessness, and also high welfare and Public housing in this city. When I was younger I always dreamed of living in a big house with sky windows over the mattress, but those dreams are long gone. I'm working on my Credit score but I don't make enough money to be able to buy a house, and I would like to up my game and be a provider to a family and see my kid grow and become old with them but a part of me feels like an abject failure and maybe I should die with my genetics. I already have 1 child with the ex-wife maybe I shouldn't focus on my own genes anymore, maybe I won't be a Good Father. I have been Physically abusive in the past in ways I said I would never be because I didn't want to be like my father, and I gave myself the excuse because I was with a toxic woman virtually both my parents approved of based on her looks alone. Why is there no one helping me that loves me and listens to me in my personal life, why do I have to come here and expect free help, from people that will probably never see me or care, maybe I do need some talk-therapy afterall, I'm just afraid for the future to the point where I do nothing but lay down all day and play games, sometimes vlog and write posts that no one reads, perhaps like this one. I feed off the very little positive attention I get. Despite all these set-backs I'm not depressed, I still find happiness and little victories, here and there, I'm kind of just sick of all the low-expectations. The one person who cares about me enough to ask for updates is online only and lives very far away and now he talks to me like once every 2 or 3 weeks, he'll send like a few text, not literally talk.

Please help me reach my goals. A part of me wants to become a Nurse but I feel as though I can't measure up and do it. A lot of people are gonna be wrong about me with their bigotry of soft expectations if I did become a Nurse, or if I did become even a CNA and maintain my Licensure. When my daughter perhaps is curious about her biological father I don't want her to witness a failure who just collected disability and was unable to support himself. I'm very much against Government handouts, it's against my personal Philosophy and I use food stamps every day practically. I wish I would actually act to get better, but I'm afraid of the desert. I'm afraid of saying f-u to those who have low expectations of me and moving onto something bigger. It's hard because my Mom does things for me like offers to do my laundry, take me grocery shopping, provide emotional support when I have a medical problem, etc. and If I ostracize her, I'll practically have no one, but I come from an abused childhood and I want to have a kid that we Peacefully parent (my spouse and I) but I don't know if I can bear the consequences of my own decision making. I already feel alone. Should I break the mold? Should I be the target of monkey-poo being thrown at me by exceeding people's expectations?

It's my goal to have a loving wife and child and if I continue the train-tracks I'm on, I'll probably grow up lonely and miserable. How am I landing for you guys? Do I seem to have a chaotic inner life that can't be managed in isolation where I should seek professional help? It's the same thing with weight loss. Currently, I'm technically obese but I'm making the necessary changes to lose weight and my Mom keeps throwing worse food in my face. She's always been like this. She views if you say "No" to her food as a personal attack against her, she always has. My Parents forced me to be fat when I was younger and in the last 7ish years I neglected my eating habits and just ate convenient junk-foods, but now I'm losing weight and I'm about to set up an appointment with a Dietician. Sorry, this seems unrelated to Nursing, but Nursing is my Goal. Is it possible for me to be a Good CNA and eventually a Good Nurse? Also, I'm worried about the vaccine. I don't want to get it, but I don't want to move to a Place where it's not mandated just to make like 13$ an hour then won't be qualifed to go to College because I'd be considered out-of-State tuition for a certain amount of time. Most of the people I admire and respect found a way out of working for the Corporate World because of all the Restrictions and Diversity hires (sorry to perhaps be controversial but I'm a white male and I don't see the equality markers applied to minority nurses like myself like there is for white males in other fields where they dominate like Computer Science - or males in general). These are things that make me say "No" also and not sign up for the class. I don't want to be forced to get a vaccine I disagree with. They only allow medical exceptions, not ethical/Religious exceptions, where I live, for the CNA training. I don't see a realistic way to get around that and I wouldn't be surprised if five years from now, that still doesn't change where I live. I live in a very blue State. I feel like everything's against me. I just want to make the elderly population happy and healthy for me taking care of them, I don't know why it's got to be this hard.

Can anyone relate with any of these problems?

Any losers in your life projecting loserness on you?

Any mental disabilities interfering with your ability to get your job done perhaps?

Have you ever tested your IQ and feel as though you'll be on the lower end of the performance spectrum and don't want to crowd out smarter people from becoming Nurses/CNAs (I have)?

Well my time is almost up.

I just want to say in closing, I wonder what the demographic is of people on this site. I havent read anything in a while. That's another thing, I barely read anymore. I used to read whole books in a day or two, or listen to audio books, now I just listen to podcasts, I used to view every day as an opportunity. Now, because I've been single for like 10 years and the only available women are the crazy ones with their kids taken away from foster care that don't wanna have any more kids and want me to perhaps prove myself as a step-dad to their bastardized children. Well I don't want that. I get that I have baggage, but I still have this dream of being a Peaceful Parent, Parenting one kid to the best of my ability in a joint-effort from woman and Man, and not having ex-wives and ex-husbands interfere with that. I want to make noises to woo my baby to sleep. I want to see him/her grow and have patience with her. I want to do what is right and become a good Father. I want all these things, they just seem so far away. I could just impregnate a woman with low-standards and collect welfare, but I have higher expectations for myself and others. Why am I punished for this? Please, is there any sanity left out there. Please just someone tell me it's gonna be okay and I can do it.... but don't just tell me that because I want to hear it, tell me the truth, I'm no longer a child. Please no name-calling, It may not look like it but I spent like 50 minutes typing all this so I'm gonna stop now and cross my fingers for a legitemate response. If not, I'll probably give up posting here and just seek Therapy and if other's are interested in a month from now, maybe I'll post an update.

The very best wishes to you all, and may you all reach your Good goals and prosper and become your best selves as possible, as long as you're not an Evil person that is. Haha, sorry, I'm bad at fortune cookie quotes. 

I'll check in later and respond my best to any and all inquiries. I don't know how popular this site is so bye.