at a loss

[Granuaile, ASN, RN]

Hello fellow nurses! Beware - this post is long!

I've been a nurse for 12 years. Prior to being a nurse I was a chemical dependency counselor, and prior to that I was a food server for many years. I always wanted to be a nurse, but it took me awhile to believe in myself enough to even pursue it. So now I am mid career and mid life. Often people think I am younger than I am because of my voice and I can pass as younger appearance wise. Why I mention that is because sometimes it seems like my peers assume that I am young (ish) and have just started out, and I have a very mild speech impediment so it also seems they think that that means I am not competent and intelligent. This all mostly applies to when people first meet me.

In my 35 years of working (at 12 I marketed myself via flyers in mailboxes to babysit for several neighbor families), I have never been fired, until this year. It is not to say I haven't had jobs where I was bullied into resigning, but that has only happened twice. I work hard, have a super strong work ethic and sense of integrity, have a safe nursing practice, know when I don't know something and am not afraid to ask questions, ask for help, etc. Like many if not most people, I come from a background of childhood trauma and as most of you will know, folks like us tend to re-create past traumas in our present lives, unconciously, and working on resolving that trauma becomes a non-negotiable task should we want to break those patterns. It is fair to say that I have experienced a hefty amount of bullying at different times throughout my life but I have also been working on healing myself for a long time, so when I start to see red flags I am better at first of all seeing the red flags and second, responding in a healthy way. In no way whatsoever do I see myself as a victim or disadvantaged or anything - these are just realities in my life and undoubtedly there are countless other nurses who deal with similar challenges.

So, back to be being fired. I left a nice job at a good hospital so that I could start my journey in critical care. I had been working in medsurg/tele for a year and a half and the hospital I was working at, while I had applied to work in their ED, did not pursue transferring me to that unit. I had not yet applied to their ICU as I felt like I wouldn't fit in socially. It's a small hospital, about 50 beds, and so the opportunities for growing into other specialties is limited. I was offered a position in an ICU in a different hospital within the same hospital system. I was stoked because this hospital is a large level 1 trauma center and there are seemingly endless opportunities to learn new things. Also, it was much closer to home. I accepted the ICU position at the larger hospital and left my medsurg/tele job in good standing and with the full support of my supervisor; as well I gave them plenty of notice; I even let my supervisor know 3 months in advance of my last day that I was looking and why.

I started my new job in April and absolutely loved it. I felt stimulated mentally, I looked forward to going to work every day (or night), and I felt like I finally was in a position that was right for me. I was receiving positive feedback from my preceptors, and the only constructive feedback was, for example, my preceptor would say "okay, tonight remember to draw your labs by 2 am," or "remember to stay caught up on charting your vital signs and I&O's hourly, even if you can't get to the rest of your charting until later in the shift;" as well, I was given feedback to try to get better at asking for help, mostly in regards to turning heavy patients that were on a vent and multiple lines, etc. I responded with a positive attitude to all feedback and made the requested changes. There was never any warnings given or signs that they were not happy with my progress. The biggest thing that stood out was a few times, my preceptor would stop me and say "you seem nervous, are you okay?" I tend to be an anxious person, especially when adjusting to a new social group, so for me I did not feel anything out of what was typical for me. Then I noticed on a few counts that there seemed to be some cliquishness that didn't feel right. As in members of that clique did not seem to be above dishonesty where I was concerned. Still, I just didn't worry too much about it because I don't internalize kindof being treated as the odd man out like I have at times in the past. I remain focused on my patients, my job, and keeping lines of communication open and positive; usually after a time that dynamic seems to fall away, and at the very least a mutual respect remains.

July 26th comes around and before my shift (I was on nights), the director calls me and asks me to meet with her at 5pm. I ask what it is regarding and she laughs and says she is in the middle of payroll and will tell me when I get there. So I go in, with a very bad feeling, and with a couple charge nurses present, she hands me a termination letter. No reason whatsoever for the termination is stated in the letter. But because I was still in the probationary period, she did not need a reason, and the union could do nothing to support me. She and one of the charge nurses present said some demeaning things to me and I was kind of in shock. Mind you she was an interim director; the director who had hired me had been terminated for reasons nobody knew, a couple weeks or so after I started. I had only ever met with her once and it was not for a performance or conduct issue; aside from that when I would see her I would just say hello or good morning, etc. In addition to firing me she made me a Do Not Rehire (!) It was, not to be over-dramatic, emotionally a kick in the gut.

Okay, so after she fires me I am a little tearful but I say thank you and leave. When I get home I immediately start applying to new jobs and land 2 interviews in the first week. It is now November and I have had about 8 interviews and have applied for I'm not sure how many jobs - probably more than 30? I have bombed a couple interviews but many of them have gone very well. I have been candid about the termination and if asked what happened I answer. It's hard to answer because nothing "happened." I sometimes joke and say "I thought I was doing great but they apparently didn't." I have a PRN job that I have held for the past 4 years 4 months, and I have interviewed for several positions within that company. It is acute care but not considered complex - it's inpatient hospice, which is not well understood by folks who have no experience with it - so that experience seems to be undervalued by hiring managers. I have been told a couple of times when I have received feedback after the interview that I do not seem to have enough experience for critical care. Most of the time, as is the norm, I do not hear anything or eventually get an email thnaking me for my interest. I should mention that I have been applying for ICU and ED positions mostly, but also, step-down, progressive care, and peds, as I am most interested in ICU or ED. I have also looked into travel nursing but I have a lot of obligations where I live and I really have been hoping to not have to go back to medsurg/tele. If I were in my 20's, even 30's, I would be more open to that. And of course I am being forced to realize that I need to be open to going back to medsurg/tele. I have done ED in the past and really enjoyed that and while it was more than 3 years ago, I know I can work in an ED; it is probably a better fit for me that the ICU as I thrive in dynamic environments.

So I have been facing rejection after rejection, not only by an employer I already work for, and for positions I am qualified for, but during a time when employers can't find nurses to fill their positions - I was told by one hiring manager of an ICU for a large local hopital that they aren't even getting applicants! This ICU was their dedicated COVID ICU, and I worked the whole first and second wave of the pandemic on the medsurg/tele unit, taking care of patients on optiflow, bipap, etc, so it seemed like I would be a good fit as I had plenty of experience with COVID patients and had even helped on the ICU during the pandemic (at the small hospital where I worked medsurg). But, I "didn't have enough experience."

Anyways, if anyone read to the end of this, thank you. I know it's super long but I have really been struggling to keep my morale up. Thankfully I do have a PRN job and I do volunteer in the community so my sense of purpose has been buoyed a little, and financially I am okay for now. I just feel I deserve a chance and I know that I would be an asset wherever I was hired. I am trying hard to not give up.

PS I am open to advice but as this post is already super long, I am not including all of the steps I have been taking. I have tried to write this post conveying the story as accurately as possible but going into a lot of specifics would make it a mini novel!