Leaving work at work.

[Eirene]

One of the reasons why I decided to go into correctional nursing was so I could leave work at work and I would not care so much for my patients.

But, these patients are so mentally ill. I can't fix the problem. I can't give them that magic pill or hold their hand or make it better. I can't tell them that this world is a better place because they are alive. I can't stop them from cutting themselves. I can't stop the suicide attempts. I can't stop their nightmares or sit with them when they are new to the facility and are scared. I can't stop the rape, the brutal fights, the broken jaws.

I can't, I can't, I can't.

I read this section of allnurses failthfully. Nobody talks about how darn difficult and heartbreaking this line of work is. Am I the only one? Am I the only one who comes home from work and can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about the brutality that these men go through everyday? The violent rape that left a man with a prolapsed rectum? The man who bangs his head against the blocked wall because he has been in isolation for so long? The man who cut his arms so badly that his arms looked like ground beef?

I've tried to talk to my nursing friends about this. 99% of them think that they deserve this. After all, they are criminals. A danger to society. They deserve this torture because they took something/someone away. They've raped, killed, stolen. They are in a max security prison for a reason. They are dangerous. They would kill again in a heartbeat given the right circumstance. They manipulate, take advantage, and steal. You can't talk about this with your co-workers because you'll be labeled as "hug a thugger." You put on your poker face and go through the motions. You can't care.

But, I do care.

They are bad, bad men. But, they are humans whose mothers beat them and who were neglected and who are so broken that we can't fix them. They are people. They are people who made very bad choices.

The mental health portion of my job is wearing me down. I love the STEMI's. the emergencies, the education. I love treating their colds, bandaging their wounds, making their physical pain better. I like seeing the old men who are in the diabetic line smile their toothless smile. I like going home feeling I made a difference that day, even if the difference was made to a criminal who is just doing their time.

The psych portion is getting to me. I feel incompetent. I love my job. I can't imagine doing anything else.

Am I the only one?

[tbrd450]

I have read where many nurses don't want to know why an inmate is an inmate for fear it may potentially color the quality of care they deliver (to him). This is fairly common, it appears. I get it. I understand that rationale.

Wonder this, if only briefly. Imagine that you also don't know the full range of the man before you -- his best deeds, as well as his worst. Imagine that the guy you are treating for assault (he snitched and was beaten down by the inmates) was a firefighter prior to becoming incarcerated. Imagine further that he saved three children from a burning house prior to incarceration. Imagine the guy you are treating who is obviously being repeatedly raped in a sex-for-safety arrangement at your workplace -- the prison or jail you work in -- was a family man prior to incarceration. Imagine he became so angry that his daughter was being molested by an uncle that he shot him. Imagine the 22 year old, skinny guy, who displays a heart-wrenching facial expression of utter fear every time you stop to give him his pills, was really a boy scout not that long ago.. he was trying to earn merit badges for good deeds. Imagine the 18 year old loud mouth you are treating for stab wounds finally got sick and tired of watching his father abuse his mother throughout his childhood that he finally did something about it.

Imagine that the people you treat day in and day out can, and often do, represent the full range of human capacity -- good and bad. Believe it or not, many of them are really not that much different than you and me. There are many criminals walking free society today who haven't yet been caught. They get a degree of respect by virtue of walking down a free society sidewalk. And, some of the most fundamentally decent people, in their hearts, are paying a debt to society behind bars.

Nobody, including you and me, are as good as our best deed and as bad as our worst deed.

I wish you all well. Thank you for choosing to work in the environment you do. Please hold tightly to the initial motivations and values that set you down a nursing career in the beginning. We all have changes to make to the correctional system in this country. In time, those changes will likely be realized as society evolves -- as humanity evolves. It wasn't that very long ago, on the cosmic timepiece of human existence, that it was perfectly legal to own other human beings (slavery). We evolved past that. We are still evolving. Take care and I wish you all well.

Eirene, thank you for your post and thank you for asking the important question: "Am I alone?" You are not.