ICU Nurse feeling burned out.

PDRN · Feb 19, 2022

(((hug)))

I hear you. I think all of us critical care RNs hear you...your story is very much like mine, except I also continued to work in our ER (trauma RN) at the same time. I would tell terrified people I thought they were going to be OK, (I really did) only to come back to work the next shift to find they'd died, so I felt like a huge f*ing liar, then on the ER side everyone wanted to debate the virus and the vaccine, even if we had just diagnosed their loved one with Covid. I wound up developing PTSD, gaining 40 lbs I really had no room to gain, hating humanity, and diverting a narcotic with the intention to kill myself, I felt so hopeless.

Do something before you get to the point I was. I diverted on camera, was caught, and am now in my state's PAP...which before this happened was a fate worse than death in my eyes, but has been the best thing that has happened to me. I didn't work for 6 months, (I understand that many don't have the means to do that, I realize how lucky I was), have undergone intensive counseling, no longer hate my fellow humans, and have found the perfect job for my situation. It's scary to think of life without being a nurse, but it might not be a bad idea to step away from the critical care for a bit. You can always go back, it won't affect your CRNA track. Just enough to clear your mind.

Keep us updated. Seriously, I felt so alone. I don't want that for anyone.

Icunurse29 · Feb 23, 2022

On 2/19/2022 at 9:34 AM, PDRN said:

(((hug)))

I hear you. I think all of us critical care RNs hear you...your story is very much like mine, except I also continued to work in our ER (trauma RN) at the same time. I would tell terrified people I thought they were going to be OK, (I really did) only to come back to work the next shift to find they'd died, so I felt like a huge f*ing liar, then on the ER side everyone wanted to debate the virus and the vaccine, even if we had just diagnosed their loved one with Covid. I wound up developing PTSD, gaining 40 lbs I really had no room to gain, hating humanity, and diverting a narcotic with the intention to kill myself, I felt so hopeless.

Do something before you get to the point I was. I diverted on camera, was caught, and am now in my state's PAP...which before this happened was a fate worse than death in my eyes, but has been the best thing that has happened to me. I didn't work for 6 months, (I understand that many don't have the means to do that, I realize how lucky I was), have undergone intensive counseling, no longer hate my fellow humans, and have found the perfect job for my situation. It's scary to think of life without being a nurse, but it might not be a bad idea to step away from the critical care for a bit. You can always go back, it won't affect your CRNA track. Just enough to clear your mind.

Keep us updated. Seriously, I felt so alone. I don't want that for anyone.

I fell asleep yesterday at 9 pm woke up 12:39 and couldn’t sleep. After 3 -4 hours in the internet I tried falling asleep and I felt helpless going to work. I felt like there was only one way out, painless I mean I do have access to fentanyl so 1mg-2 mg IV or IM no pain just fade away. I wondered also if anyone would ever miss me? Did robin williams or Avicci feel the same way. I could feel pain deep down in my soul. Honestly the only reason I’m OK is because of video games , which I spent playing 8-12 hours on my off day. I need help.

John2018 · Feb 23, 2022

You need to step away, you'll not recover if you keep coming and going through the same experience everyday. It's true, you can always come back but the amount of time you spent being depressed and anxious...you can't take them back.

RNO2 · Feb 24, 2022

First, I would like to say "thank you" to you amazing people that have dealt with this nightmare. You guys have definitely gone above and beyond and although it may not feel like it right now, you will definitely be remembered in the future by those who follow in your footsteps. I bow to the Masters.

Secondly, run. Run hard and run fast into a more nurse friendly capacity. I'm 53 and have been in the nursing field since '95. I started as a CNA and worked my way up. I've worked in many different settings over the years and the one thing I have learned. In the eyes of the "uppers", we are expendable, (no great surprise there, huh?) we are an expense as we do not generate income. We were taught in school that nursing was, " a calling". What a load of crap. LOL. We break our bodies down lifting and tugging on people 3 times our size, the physical, emotional and mental abuse is outrageous, and make no mistake, you are (in their eyes, replaceable before the ink gets dry on your resignation letter. They chew us up and spit us out, yet we continue to stay. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if there's one thing I've learned after all these years is PROTECT YOURSELF! There is nothing, and I do mean NOTHING worth your own sanity. Take a break, get some counseling if you're into that type of thing and don't feel guilty about self preservation. The uppers don't care. Sorry if I sound cynical, but I'm too old to start over, and too young to retire. I hate to say this, but as much as I used to love nursing, if I had known it would turn into this, I'd never gotten into it. It used to be fun.

Hang in there. You're dedication has not gone unnoticed.

PDRN · Feb 24, 2022

16 hours ago, Icunurse29 said:

I fell asleep yesterday at 9 pm woke up 12:39 and couldn’t sleep. After 3 -4 hours in the internet I tried falling asleep and I felt helpless going to work. I felt like there was only one way out, painless I mean I do have access to fentanyl so 1mg-2 mg IV or IM no pain just fade away. I wondered also if anyone would ever miss me? Did robin williams or Avicci feel the same way. I could feel pain deep down in my soul. Honestly the only reason I’m OK is because of video games , which I spent playing 8-12 hours on my off day. I need help.

TikTok was the only thing that kept me sane for a long time. I love to laugh, and that is the only thing that made me do so. People are so creative! I also was on Ambien at that time, my MD was kind and generous, and knew I had trouble sleeping, otherwise I wouldn't have slept either.

Of course you'd be missed. Since this forum is anonymous, all we can do is encourage you to please, PLEASE take steps to help yourself. I am afraid for you, but also afraid of an error due to exhaustion, mentation that could affect a patient. Just step away for a bit, open up to someone trusted, call the suicide hotline at 800-273-8255. When I was forced to open up about what I was going through, my plan for self harm, I was confronted with so much kindness and understanding that it was almost surreal. I think at this point in time, it's almost expected that we critical care RNs are going to lose our collective *** / minds. There is a lot of help out there- One of my therapists equated what we've been through as a war, and we were the soldiers coming back from dealing with all those horrors. Unfortunately for us, that war just continues, and continues.

NO JOKES OR PUNS ALLOWED, BSN, RN · Mar 15, 2022

Depressed ICU nurse who worked in NYC during COVID? Checks out.

I also like video games and will be in NYC. I do standup, am also an ICU nurse. If we ride the subway together, we lesson our chances of being stabbed as women. ? We should hang out. Don't kill yourself! I can bring an extra body to my next set in a few weeks.

Icunurse29 · Mar 15, 2022

Haha. Thanks for the humor, made my day. I might just take you up on that offer.
(also I’m a guy if that makes a difference XD)

PDRN · Mar 17, 2022

I'm glad to hear you laugh, even if it's a weak, virtual laugh. like Haaaaaaaaaaahehehehehehahahahahaahahahahaaaa ?

Icunurse29 · Mar 18, 2022

Well I can do one of those crazy strong super evil laughs LOL

PDRN · Mar 18, 2022

I was thinking one of those laughs you make Siri do when you rename yourself hahahahahahahhehehehahahaha ?

Icunurse29 · May 11, 2023

UPDATE

Hello all, thank you everyone for the kind words. I did manage to take some time off, and started to see a therapist. Although I am still working in the same place, I am considering a career change. My back gave out after I had a 340 LB patient and due to staffing shortage was lifting him myself. The next day I had a burning pain radiating down my left leg that left me in bed for 5 hours until I said *** it and just got it screaming... long story short it was sciatica and im getting an MRI to make sure it is not a herniated disk which is what I fear. I took this as a sign from god to go into either CRNA or go to medical school.

Thanks everyone for your support, it made me better