Honestly, I do like nursing. I like the OR, I like Post Operative, I enjoyed my peds and psych rotations in school. But I dread work, and I thought I was the only one until now.
Since my second semester of school though I've been wanting out of nursing. I got great grades, love pathophysiology, nursing theory, pharm etc, etc. But as soon as I'd get into a clinical setting I'd get upset and nervous. I'd have trouble recalling things. When my instructor tended to be supportive, I had no problem answering their questions, and using what I learned in nursing school. Put me with a difficult instructor and BLANK, BLANK !! I had a really bad experience my first time in med/surg. My teacher set me up, and the other students started talking behind my back because he would only favor the students who would share negative information. He tried to convince me this was ok but I told him nicely tha I didn't agree with his philosophy. I told him we should learn to helpl eachother and work as a team. There were students in my clinical who had it so easy, easy patients, easy assignments, if they didn't know what they were doing he woudl walk them through it etc etc. If I messed up my first time doing something he would not help me, but he would intimidate me. I remember the first time I ever did a dressing, I brought an extra strile pack. I did not put my forceps in the Garbage, but he said I had. I cheerfully stated I had another pack and he said rudely, "well then we'll be here all day". If he could see me he'd never talk to me, but he'd STARE at me, making me feel uncomfortable. He got people from the hospital to come chat with me at lunch time and stuff, (I would ask them if they knew of nurses who could tutor me in the clinical skills area because my teacher was unable to spend extra time with me) and without me knowing they knew each other he used them at the end when I tried to appeal his decision to fail me. I repeated the course, and my self confidence was shattered !! I have no idea why he did all this, all I know is that since then I've had a really hard time dealing with my fears. I don't feel as if I can trust anyone. I've had lots of wonderful instructors since then who tried to build my confidence, and were willing to put in time to help me instead of watching me drown. But, I didn't get a job with those types of people, and it seems to me, from what I see on the board, that there's more toxic environments rather than positive ones.
Now that I've started my first real nursing job, I feel the same way, the fear and stress are always there. Its like I'm living in a nightmare. I know there have been times and I have been in work/clinical situations where I've really done well and enjoyed myself. Yet there is always this nagging fear that I'm just not cut out or good enough to be in nursing. I posted about what its like working in the OR with older nurses eating their young. I am feeling as if I've aged twice as much in the past 6 years since I started my nursing program, than I ever had before. I'm depressed, I'm feeling financially unstable, beause I feel like any day I'm going to be found out and get fired or one day I just won't be able to continue anymore. I constantly feel like I'm going to die, an then I get frustrated because I'm nto sure but I want to die. I don't know how to handle it when my preceptors are rude to me, and I hear things from the manager, which I never heard from my preceptors/ other coworkers.
After reading all these posts and threads I realized something, its not just me though. I was wondering if there were places I could work, as a nurse with little experience, where the stress levels (at least on a political/coworker level) would be less. I've considered dialysis, doctor's office (very little jobs in vancouver and toronto though and much less pay), community health (need to finsih my degree still) etc..
I've even gone so far as to consider becoming a transcriptionist (working form home if possible), or just a MOA. But I can't really afford to do all that. I'm 30, in debt, no savings or anything. I was waiting to finsih nursing school because I thought at that point I would have a secure income and slowly start building. But now I feel like I've lost.
