I still feel insecure with myself as a nurse after 2 years

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Hello all. A mixture of a vent and just self-reflection. I have been a sub-acute rehab nurse for a year for my first ever year of nursing and then transition to med-surgical nursing (orthopedic-tele specialty).

 

So while I feel like I've gain a lot of skills and learned a lot, I don't feel as I am comfortable with myself as a nurse. We have our one-year nurses, some extremely confident, breathing in their own skin.

Everyone says " after a year you feel better," but it's rounding that year mark, and I still feel uncomfortable when things that are out of my normal tend to stress me out.

I like the floor I am on it just very heavy, we'll have to transfer, discharge and accept report admission sometimes all at the same time ( as you know, I can not be everywhere at once, and someone will ultimately be first and then last). I like ortho. I like the acute.

While I pick up on things or follow my nose on intuition on things there are still things I feel like I shouldn't be confused about. It feels as though people perceive me as someone with three heads, dumb.

I tried to fake-it-till-you-make-it confidence, but it felt more like I was being a know-it-all-newbie, so I chilled out, but I feel at a cross-roads.

 

Example 1: we had a patient who had been sustaining a high HR, and I felt concerned, performed an assessment, reviewed her chart to see if the MDs addressed it ( which they have) but even then, the tachycardia makes me uncomfortable. the pt's case prevented us from pushing any time of beta blockers to control their heart rate due to the fact they weren't responding to a fluid challenge with continued low BPs x1 day. I assess, do a BP on the patient and it's normotensive, if not a bit high. I run it by my charge nurse  to call and see if I could get something ordered for the patient and she agrees. The PA doesn't want to order anything and tells me to just watch it. I write a note. Hours later the patient is now reporting chest pressure. Their heart rate is still sustained tachycardia. Their blood pressure is still normotensive. Now there is symptoms.  I ask my charge nurse, but, unsure, " She's uh, complaining to chest pressure and pain in her hip, I have morphine for her?"

"I would call the PA before you give it,"

But she seemed exasperated, annoyed I had to run it by her. It doesn't help I have a stutter when I get nervous, so I feel extra incompetent.

Now we give a IV betablocker, the pressure in their chest is resolved. But now it's stat EKG and troponins. Everyone looked at me like I was an idiot. the CNA was speaking rudely to me like if I "allowed" this to happen. I didn't say anything, she doesn't know that I spoke and assessed my patient and I find it petty, but I did feel a bit ganged up n.

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example 2:

Patient was a post op day 1 and as I received report it was noted the patient was due to void. I told the patient they needed to pee and asked if they were uncomfortable or full ( denies). Come around an hour later, my aide put the patient on a bed-pan, nothing was on the bed pan however the entire bed was saturated with pee, we had to do a total bed change ( fine with me, the patient peed!)

My charge nurse asked me if the patient voided. I said, well, I don't have the amount because the patient's bedpan was empty but the entire bedsheets were wet with urine. She's not distended and I was going to bladder scan her but it was obviously urine.

My charge nurse asked me so many extremely confusing questions infront of everyone and I was so confused. She looked at me with three heads! I was confused myself by what she was askin and she seemed in disbelief in my assessment skills and I felt like I was doing something wrong. 

 

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On the bright side, many nurses come up to me and ask them to help when they need it. Though the frequency has lessened: Covid19 burnt me out, turning heavy patients as a small women with no muscle is quite difficult now.

Whenever a new nurse approaches me with a question, I am hesitant than the others. Some with prattle off confidently. I've been told it is a good quality of mine but I feel like I go overboard and come off as very unconfident ( which I am).

I tell them, as much as I am flattered to help explain certain ilks and ilms, I am still new like them, I joke and call it " the blind leading the blind". I refer to them to our most experienced ( approachable too) nurses to run it by and remind them if they haven't don't manuals or assessed something before bringing it up ( as I know how it feels to feel like everyone thinks you're stupid/incompetent). I review policy with them or show them where it is if it's an amendable issue.

Considering I had a very bad experience I respect my license and my peers, I tell the new-hires that they worked very hard for their license and shouldn't go running to the first person they see, feel it out, their charge RN and nursing education is an excellent resource. It makes me feel weird when people approach me, like I don't know if I should be flattered or scared that I'm the only available "experienced" nurse ( I'm absolutely not).

 

Either way, I stutter majorly, my face shows it all--no poker face here.

 

I feel socially I am awkward too, so I miss social cues, though I've been told I have great bedside manner ( so far? I have put my foot down on patients who were outright rude) soo I feel like I get annoying, especially when lamenting how I want to be an experienced nurse with more years so I can feel comfortable in my own skin.

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Hi Nurse and Beyond,

I have been an RN for over 45 years and I still feel incompetent and insecure! I have a niece and nephew who also became nurses, they two feel the same! The longer I stay I nursing the more I realize just how much I DON't KNOW.

My niece, nephew and myself all agree, we say a Prayer entering the hospital to protect the patient and we give thanks when we leave we haven't hurt the patient!

You just care about your beloved patients!

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That's OK, I felt insecure for 37 years, then I retired.

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