How can I be more supportive???

froghair · Jan 13, 2006

"I'm also worried that we are going to grow apart during the next two years, and kind of worried about him being around all these women that understand EXACTLY what he is dealing with...sigh (just a stupid insecurity LOL we've been married 3 years)."

thats your problem right here. i dont know your husband but having the insecurity of a partner can be a damaging thing in a relationship. yes he is working with women, yes they will be on a similar wave length with regards to things at work, yes there are things that he wont be able to get the same support from you as he can from the girls at work. this doesnt mean he is going to cheat on you or that he is hiding things from you. i would work really hard on your insecurities as it could lead to being a big wedge in your relationship

froghair · Jan 13, 2006

as an addit, dont set yourself up by asking him what does he get up to with his girls at work an if he is talking about the girls at work all the time, tell him its good that his getting along so well with them but that you dont need to know the ins and outs of a ducks orifice

littlejo · Jan 13, 2006

since you're not a stranger to this with your dad having gone thru this, talk to him if he's available -- mom too about how she helped with support, and ask hubby what he would like from you -- he'd know best, no? but my first impulse, is listen, listen, listen... he'll have some of the best stories in the world (all anonymous and confidential of course), and enjoy his new adventures! let him choose what he ends up sharing -- whether a little or a lot & trade in your insecurities by sharing his excitement as he invests in both your futures and keep on loving him for it... it won't be hard -- guaranteed! (sorry i'm NOT a guy, but am a student, and this is kinda girl to girl for your sake, k?) sounds like your heart is in the right place, which is the right way to start... his nursing may well be more effective thanks to your being so caring... keep up the good work...

Marylou1102 · Jan 13, 2006

littlejo and froghair hit it right on the head. Do everything they suggested and you will be fine. I know from personal experience but turned around. My Ex. Was so jelous of the people I worked with, he was afraid I would leave him for a Dr. I finally couldn't take it anymore and divorced him. Trust your husband and listen to him when he wants to talk. You'll both make it through Nursing school just fine.

drelvsme · Jan 13, 2006

Thank you to everyone who has responded, I reallly appreciate it. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I was insecure about who he was working with. That wasn't exactly what I meant, just the only way I could describe it. I hope that he does get along well with his coworkers and that he enjoys spending time around them, I would hate it fi he disliked them, I think it has a lot to do with a job being positive. Some of my parents best friends are women that my father has worked with in the the nursing profession.

I think I'm just concerned that he will find others more supportive than I am, particularly the classmates in his nursing school. I really don't want him to find it more of a joy to be in school than to be home, on the other hand I don't wnat him to hate school and always want to be in school, I'd rather he loved it and ached to go...see how hard it is to explain?

I just want to be supportive, I want to know what ways I can encourage him in what he is doing, I want to know when pushing to study is too much and when it's not enough, when telling him to make friends, or rather, being supportive of him making friends who most likely will be female, is going to be "I support you." or "go away I don't want you, I'm not the one that underrstands what you are talking about."

I just want to do this right. I want to be a good wife to him and give him the freedom he needs to grow in his schooling, as well as making sure that I'm not telling him that it's okay not to spend time with me in favor of school or his new friends. (Not that he would do that knowlingly)

For instance, he's only been in clinicals this week and I already got impatient with him for altering our plans, and instead chosing to stay after school and watch a video for class, when I was suppose to go pick him up instead. He needs to watch the videos, I know this, I also know that there is a deadline that if he didn't watch them today he would not have time before it was due.

I was completely unsympathetic (although I called him back a minute later, said I was sorry and I was fine with it, have fun etc.) I'm irritated with myself that I acted that way, (not that he doesn't know who he married), the thing is what can I do to balance out and be more supportive?

Does that make ANY sense??? UGH, I've spoken to him as well about all this he understands, but this is new to both of us so it's not like he knows what's coming or anything, and what will be of value for me to give him in the future.

I guess we are both just trying to learn from others who have gone through this experience. (and don't worry I am working on my understanding levels...:imbar )

Thanks again for what you've posted I will be taking it to heart :) And thanks for letting me post here as well! :)

=Nicole

thatoneguy · Jan 13, 2006

ok i have some tips for you.

one forget about plans you have. his schedule with change even within the day. if he feels a certain time is good to study that was not planned so be it. he needs to feel that it is ok to do it. tell him ok you will see him later, dont ask when he will finish and be able to see you, that just adds pressure. sometimes it takes longer to get things and you end up studying longer than you had palnned. if he breaks plans just tell him to call and let you know, dont say it in a mad way but in a accepting way.

get togather with him and plan for one night a week spendeing time with you, about 2-3hours of quality time. i would say saturday would be a good day, nothing due the next day. dont get caught up in wanting to spend time every day. that just will not work, besides its not quality time you would be spending anyway.

if he does get free time dont try to occupy it, he needs his down time. give him room "space" he will miss you and be happy when he gets a chance to spend time with you on his own terms. he has no time as it is and will resent you trying to take up what little time he has. when he does finially get home just be happy and dont ask why this or that. remeber he is adjusting too.

offer to cook or something for his study group. have a little party, you can get to know some of the others in his class and they will know you. you can bring up the topic about how it stressful and see how they are all getting along with their families. you will find most have something similar to your situation.

every once in a while show up between classes or after with lunch. "once in a while like at most once a month" if he does not have the time when you show up dont get mad, just say o-well take this for later, give him a kiss and tell not to have to much fun.

if you see he wants to go somewhere or do something and you want him to stay, tell him to go you will see him later. assure him its ok. he will love you for that.

if you have not noticed time is a big issue while going through nurseing school. whatever you do the biggest thing you can do to support him is not to take up his time or try to figure out his schedule and hold him to it. during this time you have to be strong and allow him to find his way. everyone is different, some study better at night while other early in the morning, this might even change from class to class. you will have to be the one to adjust and readjust to his chaotic schedule. he will see your efforts and will try make time for you, you just have to let him fiqure it out. just dont bring up the issue of when he can or will do this or that, because he really dosent know.

thatoneguy · Jan 13, 2006

o as far as him finding more support from his classmates, well dah. they are stressing about the samething. getting those careplans just right and finding that every teacher wants them a little different. everybody in school always talks about when they will to do this or that "check offs reports getting their patients info prior to clinic ect.." for school. the last thing he want is to hear is the same thing from you, when are we going to do this or that, how long will it take ect.. dont make home be a stressor for him. thats the best support you can give.

drelvsme · Jan 14, 2006

Wow! Thank you so much! That was a long list of ideas that I needed very much! Thank you! :) We already do the planning thing :) I think the study group would be a nice thing to do once they are settled into what they are doing! All of your ideas and thoughts were great! Thank you!

-Nicole

drelvsme · Jan 14, 2006

P.S. My husband really liked the ideas too! Thanks again!

thatoneguy · Jan 14, 2006

your very welcome.