drelvsme

So I thought (and I hope you don't mind) that I would post this here as well, maybe someone who is male could help me to figure out what is going on in my husband's head???? Okay so this is probably going to be very long and I am not a nurse but I come here so often for advice (rarely posting though) on my husband's career but now I'm looking for advice for myself and since all of you are in this profession maybe you could help me out? I think I'll start from the beginning, I hope nobody minds. Here goes, DH and I have been married for 5 years. He started Nursing school in Jan 2004 (pre-req's) when he quit his job, so I paid for all of it (except one semester). He was slated to graduate in December of 2007, in August of 2007 I got pregnant (VERY planned :)) and he suddenly left me for a few days to decide if he wanted to be with me or not. I know he was scared about being a dad even though I have pages and pages of letters where he wrote to me (before I got pregnant) about how excited he was to have a family with me and to be a parent. (He has since told me that he only told me things he knew I wanted to hear so that I would be bareable to be lived with). December rolls around and he starts avoiding me. He doesn't show up when he says he will, disappears for hours at a time and then gets mad when I am worried. He was angry all the time. So on December 17th he disappears again (said he was going to a test review and then never showed up when I went to pick him up and wouldn't answer his phone) and finally that night when he calls me up he tells me that he failed the test he took that day (the last one) and wants a divorce. So then on Thursday the 19th, the night of his pinning ceremony he tells me that he has to go to it because he agreed to set up and take down for it. I asked him if he wanted me to come for support and he said no, it would be too hard to have me there. I thought, what a great guy and how horrible for him. (he told me it was my fault that he didn't graduate btw because I didn't give him enough time to study). So then Friday morning he takes me out to breakfast and we do some Christmas shopping and then he says he has to leave that afternoon because he has "errands" to run. Calls me about an hour later and asks for money so that he apply for a license so that he can at least try to get a job as a tech or something. Saturday morning comes about, he leaves his bag at home while he's at his morning martial arts lesson. And I look in his bag, (I had my suspicions) and sure enough, there's his transcript, with 2 c's not a single failing grade. He had graduated. So I went and confronted him with the info while at the martial arts place (he was the only one there) he gets text messages etc. and won't tell me who they are from etc. I ask if he graduated and told him I saw his transcript and he completely blows. Pushes me up against a door way, threatens my life etc. So he leaves the saturday before Christmas (the weekend after he "didn't graduate"), comes back the weekend after Christmas and says he wants a divorce. I told him what about marriage counseling? He says he'll think about it but we at least need a six week separation. That he's 98 percent sure about a divorce but willing to consider the 2 percent. He says that it's my fault he didn't grad. because I was too needy and clingy. (Um...pregnant?) He has told me throughout the entire pregnancy that he doesn't want a baby and especially not with me, but that he still wants to be married to me...ugh... Anyway to make this a little shorter...a week ago my father gets this feeling to call the school and ask if he graduated they told him that he did graduate on December 5th (the night he disappeared and then got angry with me for being worried) and so my dad looked up his license online (he's a nurse as well, as is my mom, so I guess they know about this license stuff?) and sure enough he has a GN license and a pending RN license. So my dad calls Christiana Care the major hospital out here and finds out he's working in the cardiac E-5 unit (he had gotten a job there on Dec 10th that he never told me about, and that I only found out about in December, because the scheduling person called to confirm his schedule, he said it was going to be a Christmas/Anniversary present---our 5th ann. was on Dec 26th) So my dad calls the cardiac unit and talks to him and tells him that he took his daughter for a ride and he better make it right with her. I wrote to dh and told him that I was sorry my dad called him at work (I was very embarrassed but I understand my father's motivation) but that I was glad he got a job and congratulations, I had been praying that he would. It's the only thing I could do. So my whole point in telling this story is this....I am going into my third trimester and I have NO health insurance....I was suppose to go on dh's when he graduated and got a job, he has since told me that he was going to get a job at officemax so that he could pay the least amount of child support so I figured no health insurance period. Now that I know he is working as a GN I wonder.... Can I call the nurse manager, (I'm familiar with her since I talked to her in January when she called looking for my husband for that RN job that he had gotten in December, he just hadn't shown up for his first day of work and she hadn't gotten any of the paperwork she needed from him, and he told her that he lost her phone--he didn't--and I tried to make him sound as much out of character as possible, that he hadn't graduated and that I was pregnant and he was having a hard time with that and that normally he would call, but that he's going through such a hard time right now etc.) and ask her what position he is working in (RN/LPN - well, not LPN because they have too many push meds the nurse manager told me in January so she doesn't hire them-/Tech etc) (I know he got a new job there on Jan 10th because a letter came dated that day for him here at our apartment that was folded so that you could read part of the first line through the window and it said, we are pleased to offer you a full-time position...that's all that could be read) and whether or not I could be placed on his benefits? Can she, as a nurse manager, even give me that information or do any of that without his permission? I work as a nanny and I still have 8000 in debt from his school that's on my credit card, and I have to pay for everything in cash right now. He asked me for 280 a couple of weeks ago to pay for his cell phone bill. Here's what actually kills me though, I have to now put myself through school (only a HS graduate) so that I can support myself and our baby (I was suppose to stop working in March and be a SAHM) which was the plan anyway, that he would pay for my school after I was done paying for his, but what makes it so hard is that he's the face of Del Tech (the community college out here that I can afford to go to) right now. He's on the cover of their courses catalog and his face is everywhere! It's horrible because at the same time I'm so proud of him for graduating and for them using him as their marketing campaign (he's in the newspaper too) but seeing him also makes me cry, it's embarrassing...sigh... Anyway, if anyone is a nurse manager or knows what is or isn't allowed to be talked about in regards to an employee, could you please tell me? Could she tell me that he's working as an RN GN? Or anything? I just, I guess, need confirmation for myself that he actually did all of this after 8 years together, and 5 married. I'm so tempted to show up at his work (I'll never do that though, I don't want to put him on the spot) and ask him in front of others to put me on his benefits plan, maybe being pressured in front of others would help make him put us on it? I still, in spite of everything, love him and don't want to make him feel badly. And I still want our marriage to work out, I keep thinking that there's that 2% chance he isn't sure about. I don't think he's cheating on me, although that's not a stretch. I think he just realized that he doesn't need me anymore and since he doesn't want to be a father why not enjoy a new life alone? There's a lot more to the story and I've left a lot of his complaints about me out, although, to be perfectly honest, if he has graduated then I have no idea what he was so unhappy about in our relationship. He won't talk to me. He just says I mother him too much. And I try to spend too much time with him. Okay, Sorry for the length but I guess I needed to talk about this more than I thought and since none of you know me then it's a perfect opportunity? Sorry if it's inappropriate to post here since I'm not a nurse but I really want to know what my options are as far as this benefits thing is concerned. Thank you for anything you can tell me...LOL is there some honor thing in nursing at all??? Anything? I know if the school knew this stuff they would probably remove his image from their campaign...sigh...that would hurt him so much . Thank you for reading this, any thoughts you have are very much appreciated on what my dh could possibly be thinking??? Is this a normal guy thing??? sigh...

I thought I'd post this insanely long thread here as well and maybe some guys could give some insight as to what my husband is thinking????? PLEASE???? Okay so this is probably going to be very long and I am not a nurse but I come here so often for advice (rarely posting though) on my husband's career but now I'm looking for advice for myself and since all of you are in this profession maybe you could help me out? I think I'll start from the beginning, I hope nobody minds. Here goes, DH and I have been married for 5 years. He started Nursing school in Jan 2004 (pre-req's) when he quit his job, so I paid for all of it (except one semester). He was slated to graduate in December of 2007, in August of 2007 I got pregnant (VERY planned :)) and he suddenly left me for a few days to decide if he wanted to be with me or not. I know he was scared about being a dad even though I have pages and pages of letters where he wrote to me (before I got pregnant) about how excited he was to have a family with me and to be a parent. (He has since told me that he only told me things he knew I wanted to hear so that I would be bareable to be lived with). December rolls around and he starts avoiding me. He doesn't show up when he says he will, disappears for hours at a time and then gets mad when I am worried. He was angry all the time. So on December 17th he disappears again (said he was going to a test review and then never showed up when I went to pick him up and wouldn't answer his phone) and finally that night when he calls me up he tells me that he failed the test he took that day (the last one) and wants a divorce. So then on Thursday the 19th, the night of his pinning ceremony he tells me that he has to go to it because he agreed to set up and take down for it. I asked him if he wanted me to come for support and he said no, it would be too hard to have me there. I thought, what a great guy and how horrible for him. (he told me it was my fault that he didn't graduate btw because I didn't give him enough time to study). So then Friday morning he takes me out to breakfast and we do some Christmas shopping and then he says he has to leave that afternoon because he has "errands" to run. Calls me about an hour later and asks for money so that he apply for a license so that he can at least try to get a job as a tech or something. Saturday morning comes about, he leaves his bag at home while he's at his morning martial arts lesson. And I look in his bag, (I had my suspicions) and sure enough, there's his transcript, with 2 c's not a single failing grade. He had graduated. So I went and confronted him with the info while at the martial arts place (he was the only one there) he gets text messages etc. and won't tell me who they are from etc. I ask if he graduated and told him I saw his transcript and he completely blows. Pushes me up against a door way, threatens my life etc. So he leaves the saturday before Christmas (the weekend after he "didn't graduate"), comes back the weekend after Christmas and says he wants a divorce. I told him what about marriage counseling? He says he'll think about it but we at least need a six week separation. That he's 98 percent sure about a divorce but willing to consider the 2 percent. He says that it's my fault he didn't grad. because I was too needy and clingy. (Um...pregnant?) He has told me throughout the entire pregnancy that he doesn't want a baby and especially not with me, but that he still wants to be married to me...ugh... Anyway to make this a little shorter...a week ago my father gets this feeling to call the school and ask if he graduated they told him that he did graduate on December 5th (the night he disappeared and then got angry with me for being worried) and so my dad looked up his license online (he's a nurse as well, as is my mom, so I guess they know about this license stuff?) and sure enough he has a GN license and a pending RN license. So my dad calls Christiana Care the major hospital out here and finds out he's working in the cardiac E-5 unit (he had gotten a job there on Dec 10th that he never told me about, and that I only found out about in December, because the scheduling person called to confirm his schedule, he said it was going to be a Christmas/Anniversary present---our 5th ann. was on Dec 26th) So my dad calls the cardiac unit and talks to him and tells him that he took his daughter for a ride and he better make it right with her. I wrote to dh and told him that I was sorry my dad called him at work (I was very embarrassed but I understand my father's motivation) but that I was glad he got a job and congratulations, I had been praying that he would. It's the only thing I could do. So my whole point in telling this story is this....I am going into my third trimester and I have NO health insurance....I was suppose to go on dh's when he graduated and got a job, he has since told me that he was going to get a job at officemax so that he could pay the least amount of child support so I figured no health insurance period. Now that I know he is working as a GN I wonder.... Can I call the nurse manager, (I'm familiar with her since I talked to her in January when she called looking for my husband for that RN job that he had gotten in December, he just hadn't shown up for his first day of work and she hadn't gotten any of the paperwork she needed from him, and he told her that he lost her phone--he didn't--and I tried to make him sound as much out of character as possible, that he hadn't graduated and that I was pregnant and he was having a hard time with that and that normally he would call, but that he's going through such a hard time right now etc.) and ask her what position he is working in (RN/LPN - well, not LPN because they have too many push meds the nurse manager told me in January so she doesn't hire them-/Tech etc) (I know he got a new job there on Jan 10th because a letter came dated that day for him here at our apartment that was folded so that you could read part of the first line through the window and it said, we are pleased to offer you a full-time position...that's all that could be read) and whether or not I could be placed on his benefits? Can she, as a nurse manager, even give me that information or do any of that without his permission? I work as a nanny and I still have 8000 in debt from his school that's on my credit card, and I have to pay for everything in cash right now. He asked me for 280 a couple of weeks ago to pay for his cell phone bill. Here's what actually kills me though, I have to now put myself through school (only a HS graduate) so that I can support myself and our baby (I was suppose to stop working in March and be a SAHM) which was the plan anyway, that he would pay for my school after I was done paying for his, but what makes it so hard is that he's the face of Del Tech (the community college out here that I can afford to go to) right now. He's on the cover of their courses catalog and his face is everywhere! It's horrible because at the same time I'm so proud of him for graduating and for them using him as their marketing campaign (he's in the newspaper too) but seeing him also makes me cry, it's embarrassing...sigh... Anyway, if anyone is a nurse manager or knows what is or isn't allowed to be talked about in regards to an employee, could you please tell me? Could she tell me that he's working as an RN GN? Or anything? I just, I guess, need confirmation for myself that he actually did all of this after 8 years together, and 5 married. I'm so tempted to show up at his work (I'll never do that though, I don't want to put him on the spot) and ask him in front of others to put me on his benefits plan, maybe being pressured in front of others would help make him put us on it? I still, in spite of everything, love him and don't want to make him feel badly. And I still want our marriage to work out, I keep thinking that there's that 2% chance he isn't sure about. I don't think he's cheating on me, although that's not a stretch. I think he just realized that he doesn't need me anymore and since he doesn't want to be a father why not enjoy a new life alone? There's a lot more to the story and I've left a lot of his complaints about me out, although, to be perfectly honest, if he has graduated then I have no idea what he was so unhappy about in our relationship. He won't talk to me. He just says I mother him too much. And I try to spend too much time with him. Okay, Sorry for the length but I guess I needed to talk about this more than I thought and since none of you know me then it's a perfect opportunity? Sorry if it's inappropriate to post here since I'm not a nurse but I really want to know what my options are as far as this benefits thing is concerned. Thank you for anything you can tell me...LOL is there some honor thing in nursing at all??? Anything? I know if the school knew this stuff they would probably remove his image from their campaign...sigh...that would hurt him so much . So is there an insight any guy can give me as to what my DH is thinking? UGH....again, I don't think he's cheating....I've done my research...although he may be better at covering up these days...but I REALLY don't think that's it...at this point though, I'll believe ANYTHING.... Thank you!

I'm not a nurse, and I don't have anything truly amazing to say on this subject, but I had a few observations that I wanted to post. I come here often to get more insight to what my dh is going through in nursing school (he is studying to be an RN, graduates in a year) or to get my questions answered about what to expect in the future, this topic being one of them, (I think I've only posted twice?). My father is also a nurse (LPN) as is my mother (BSN), and reading all this about discrimination has made me look back over the past couple of decades from when my father went to school to be an LPN (1984) and now when my husband is in school. I remember at 9 years old telling my friends that my father was studying to be a nurse. I got laughed at, and asked, "Don't you mean a doctor?" I can't even count the amount of times I had to educate my classmates on the fact that "Men can be nurses too!" Then there was the whole my Mom being an RN and my Dad being an LPN, (they're married for 32 years now BTW) that came up a couple of times within our family about who knew what better! LOL Now however, with my husband and the children (12-13) I care for (I'm a nanny), they tell all their friends that their babysitter's husband is going to be an RN and that he might work at the hospital where their mom works (as a doctor) they dream up scenerios where my husband and their mom are running into eachother every day, and them travelling to work together etc. LOL The thought that my dh is going to be a nurse and their mom is a doctor, as being weird doesn't even occur to them, or their friends, more just the fact that they might work at the same hospital fascinates them! So Yay to future generations! And the way they are being raised! One of the instructors at my husband's school is a nurse (Male) and when I've been to the ER my nurses have been mostly male. My husband is proud of becoming a nurse and has no desire to be a doctor, he made that decision about a year before he started school when he had to decide on a profession. The thought that "men can't be nurses" didn't even occur to him. Or even the idea of discrimination, he's never had any negative response when he's told others, and even encouragement that he will be a "wonderful nurse" from countless people including our dentist! LOL I think that as part of the 21st century the people that are going to be adults in the next decade are the ones that are being raised with such a different view of what's "normal" that discrimination will be just another thing that "the uneducated people" do. (My husband is African/American btw so he's used to being in the minority, so that might have influence on how he reacts to choosing a career where he's in the minority as well.) The world is changing though, my BIL is a bank manager, and his girlfriend is a special education teacher both of them with pierced tongues. A few years ago that would have been looked on as unprofessional. Now it's just part of life. Okay, my rambling is done, My thought is just that "Male" nurses need to just bide their time and continue doing what they are doing in educating the masses and eventually the term "male nurse" will be just as uncommon as the term "female nurse". Sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense, and I hope nobody minds my posting (not being a nurse and all) I just had images in my head of the past few years that I wanted to share with everyone :).

P.S. My husband really liked the ideas too! Thanks again!

Wow! Thank you so much! That was a long list of ideas that I needed very much! Thank you! :) We already do the planning thing :) I think the study group would be a nice thing to do once they are settled into what they are doing! All of your ideas and thoughts were great! Thank you! -Nicole

Thank you to everyone who has responded, I reallly appreciate it. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I was insecure about who he was working with. That wasn't exactly what I meant, just the only way I could describe it. I hope that he does get along well with his coworkers and that he enjoys spending time around them, I would hate it fi he disliked them, I think it has a lot to do with a job being positive. Some of my parents best friends are women that my father has worked with in the the nursing profession. I think I'm just concerned that he will find others more supportive than I am, particularly the classmates in his nursing school. I really don't want him to find it more of a joy to be in school than to be home, on the other hand I don't wnat him to hate school and always want to be in school, I'd rather he loved it and ached to go...see how hard it is to explain? I just want to be supportive, I want to know what ways I can encourage him in what he is doing, I want to know when pushing to study is too much and when it's not enough, when telling him to make friends, or rather, being supportive of him making friends who most likely will be female, is going to be "I support you." or "go away I don't want you, I'm not the one that underrstands what you are talking about." I just want to do this right. I want to be a good wife to him and give him the freedom he needs to grow in his schooling, as well as making sure that I'm not telling him that it's okay not to spend time with me in favor of school or his new friends. (Not that he would do that knowlingly) For instance, he's only been in clinicals this week and I already got impatient with him for altering our plans, and instead chosing to stay after school and watch a video for class, when I was suppose to go pick him up instead. He needs to watch the videos, I know this, I also know that there is a deadline that if he didn't watch them today he would not have time before it was due. I was completely unsympathetic (although I called him back a minute later, said I was sorry and I was fine with it, have fun etc.) I'm irritated with myself that I acted that way, (not that he doesn't know who he married), the thing is what can I do to balance out and be more supportive? Does that make ANY sense??? UGH, I've spoken to him as well about all this he understands, but this is new to both of us so it's not like he knows what's coming or anything, and what will be of value for me to give him in the future. I guess we are both just trying to learn from others who have gone through this experience. (and don't worry I am working on my understanding levels...:imbar ) Thanks again for what you've posted I will be taking it to heart :) And thanks for letting me post here as well! :) =Nicole

No we don't have children, we've been married 3 years. We do do the date night thing, I just didn't think we would have time for that anymore , His schedule is pretty demanding, and he needs study time, the walks sound wonderful though, I think he can spare 20 minutes! :) That's a great idea!!! From what I've read I've heard that during nursing school you pretty much say goodbye to all your friends and family for the time, but is that an exaggeration? From what his schedule looks like for this semester, I don't think it's too far from the truth. I just want to know what he needs from me you know? sigh....

I hope you don't mind me posting here, I posted on General but I thought since my DH is a guy, that maybe guys would have a different perspective as to what they view as supportive? I'm the wife of a nursing student who just started clinicals (after 2 years of waiting) this past Monday the 9th. I find myself being impatient with changes in his schedule, made at the last minute, and I don't want to be that way, so I thought maybe you would be willing to list all the ways you have found people to be supportive during your schooling? And maybe some ideas on what will help me support my husband in this? Ways that he could use, not just what's nice for me? I want to start this new part in our lives off right and I don't think I'm doing such a good job. I'm used to having him with me a lot and I miss him, but I know it's for our future, and it's not like I'm a stranger to all of this my father went to school to be an LPN when I was in grade school and my mom is an RN, I currently work as a nanny for a single mother who is a doctor, so I know how much of yourselves you give for the sake of others, I just want to be able to do the same for my husband, but in ways that will truly help him. I'm also worried that we are going to grow apart during the next two years, and kind of worried about him being around all these women that understand EXACTLY what he is dealing with...sigh (just a stupid insecurity LOL we've been married 3 years). Any thoughts you have would be great, I hope you don't mind my posting since I'm not a nurse or nursing student, I just feel like I am vicariously through my husband! LOL:wink2: Thanks -Nicole

I hope you don't mind me posting here, I'm the wife of a nursing student who just started clinicals (after 2 years of waiting) this past Monday the 9th. I find myself being impatient and I don't want to be that way, so I thought maybe you would be willing to list all the ways you have found people to be supportive during your schooling? And maybe some ideas on what will help me support my husband in this? Ways that he could use, not just what's nice for me? I want to start this new part in our lives off right and I don't think I'm doing such a good job. I'm used to having him with me a lot and I miss him, but I know it's for our future, and it's not like I'm a stranger to all of this my father went to school to be an LPN when I was in grade school and my mom is an RN, I currently work as a nanny for a single mother who is a doctor, so I know how much of yourselves you give for the sake of others, I just want to be able to do the same for my husband, but in ways that will truly help him. Any thoughts you have would be great, I hope you don't mind my posting since I'm not a nurse or nursing student, I just feel like I am vicariously through my husband! LOL:wink2: Thanks -Nicole