Home office response to US election result!

[karenG]

This is very tongue in cheek.............. so please no-one be offended!!!!

The UK Home Office Response to US Election Result

To the citizens of the United States of America :-

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and

thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of

your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen

Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,

commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not

fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for

the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world

outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the

need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A

questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of

you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the

following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'

will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping

the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you

will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You

will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not

'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You

will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope

with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary

to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven

words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is

an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up

"interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer

show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you

shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary

then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to

learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as

"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're

talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as

Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist

in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.

Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the

good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play

English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or

"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy

American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political

incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you

to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind

of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good

game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your

borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You

will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper

football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It

is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed

to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not

involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar

body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US

rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not

reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which

is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that

there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called

"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,

collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if

they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there

is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The

Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You

will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be

allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a

vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to

handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you

wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand

the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian

though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in

Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you

insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips

are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to

chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be

trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to

all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to

be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter

will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted

provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be

referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the

product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred

to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser

(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to

be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you

will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with

the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former

USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly

$6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns

should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're

not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to

ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

welcome back to the mother land!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :rotfl:

Karen