This is very tongue in cheek.............. so please no-one be offended!!!!The UK Home Office Response to US Election ResultTo the citizens of the United States of America :-In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA andthus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation ofyour independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty QueenElizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does notfancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP forthe 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a worldoutside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without theneed for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. Aquestionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any ofyou noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, thefollowing rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skippingthe letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, youwill learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Youwill end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". Youwill learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't copewith correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabularyto acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty sevenwords interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" isan unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up"interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springershow. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then youshouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabularythen you won't have to use bad language as often.2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know onyour behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have tolearn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we'retalking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place asDevonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persistin calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as thegood guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to playEnglish characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washyAmerican audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional politicalincorrectness.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save TheQueen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want youto get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kindof football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very goodgame. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside yourborders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. Youwill no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play properfootball. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Itis a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowedto play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does notinvolve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlarbody armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a USrugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is notreasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game whichis not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware thatthere is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,collector cards or hotdogs.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons ifthey give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that thereis a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. TheRussians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". Youwill no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer beallowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than avegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough tohandle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if youwish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a newnational holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for yourown good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what wemean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You willstart driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, youwill go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit ofconversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understandthe British sense of humour.10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call Frenchfries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgianthough 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while inEurope) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things youinsist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chipsare thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment tochips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will betrained to be more aggressive with customers.11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added toall tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity tobe doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actuallybeer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitterwill be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and acceptedprovenance will be referred to as "Lager".The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth bereferred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of theproduct of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referredto as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) tobe sold without risk of confusion.13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as youwill be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices withthe former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the formerUSA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly$6/US gallon - get used to it).14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers andtherapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Gunsshould only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sortthings out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you'renot grown up enough to handle a gun.15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly toensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).welcome back to the mother land!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :rotfl: Karen 0 Likes