HELP! Personal Statement editing needed!!

I would desperately appreciate someone looking over my personal statement for nursing school and giving me advice on what to change. The deadline is Feb 1. Thank you!!

Hi!

Are you going to post it?

-K

Exiting the elevator on the third floor, I was struck with an unfamiliar silence, louder and somewhat more bothersome than the constant beeping heard in the Internal Medicine Unit that I was used to. As the assistant to the Nurse Manager, I arrived in the Palliative Care Unit hoping to gain new experience in a hospice setting. Because the unit specialized in managing terminal cancer, my duties included communicating and interacting with patients suffering from excruciating pain. "How are you feeling today, Ms. Devine?" I asked the elderly woman in room 202. Staring into the full tray of food in front of her, she shut her eyes. Without notice, her thin arms grabbed the metal bedrails beside her. Using what strength she had, Ms. Devine let out a high-pitched moan, breaking the quiet that I immediately wished would return. Words did no justice to her pain. After taking action to alleviate her physical discomfort, I sat at her bedside, resting her weak hand in mine. Without giving false hope, I stared into her tear-filled eyes and embraced my powerful responsibility to simply listen.

Working in a variety of settings prepared me for the heartbreaking realities that I expect to face as a nurse. Furthermore, personal loss has given me a first-hand understanding of the many stages of grief. Last October, my best friend and six of her friends from college were killed in a North Carolina house fire. In the months following, no amount of clinical experience helping patients cope with death could have prepared me for the deep sadness and confusion that I endured. During this time, one quote in a book I was given made all the difference. It read, "It is good to grow wise from your sorrows." As a nurse, I hope to use my personal insight to tragedy in helping patients and family members deal with the profound challenge that loss often involves.

Unlike my clinical occupation in an innovative hospital, volunteering abroad exposed me to environments with limited resources. As a member of a medical service team in Costa Rica, I traveled to villages ridden with skin parasites, infectious disease, and rampant crime. With the assistance of a translator, I conducted patient interviews, obtained and recorded vitals and worked collaboratively with a doctor to help treat patient symptoms. Although having lived in Europe, I was unprepared for the culture shock that awakened me to the widespread need for medical care. As society in the U.S. becomes increasingly global, my experience in a variety of cultural and geographic settings will advance the diversity that is essential in modern-day nursing.

Whether working in the U.S. at a highly ranked hospital or treating Spanish speaking families in the slums of San José, the consistent challenges I was faced with and gratification I felt have secured my goal of receiving a Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree (BSN). Thus far in my undergraduate education, I have attained levels of equanimity and balance that have allowed me to excel in demanding coursework. Equipped with top notch faculty and facilities, this program will challenge me to use my self-management skills in earning a top-notch education and will allow me to exchange my cross-cultural understanding with an equally diverse student body. In the future, I plan to enroll in graduate school and receive my master's degree as a Nurse Practitioner. Ultimately, my nursing career goal is to continue working in palliative care, while still volunteering in my global efforts to improve human health.

kc0678,

What is the required format? What are the specific questions or issues are you supposed to address? Things like why you want to be a nurse? Is there a page or word limit? What is your time frame?

First things first, write out an outline - intro paragraph comes first, then 2 -3 paragraphs are the body and the last is for the rap up. Make sure you are using the paragraphs correctly and double space or intent between paragraphs. It tells the reader that you are changing to the next point of discussion.

The first sentence is the most important one and yours really tripped me up. The first one is always an introduction sentence. I had to re read it a couple of times to understand what you were getting at - and that's bad. The last thing you want to do is confuse the nursing school committee.

Overall your writing style feels forced and false - almost like a novel. It's too wordy. For example, "Unlike my clinical occupation in an innovative hospital, volunteering abroad exposed me to environments with limited resources." Just say it straight - my job as a nursing assistant has prepared me for the realities of nursing in the US, but my volunteer experience in San ____ taught me ...

Remember these two words - brevity and clarity. ANYONE should be able to read your statement and quickly understand what you are saying, what your goals are, and how you plan on achieving them.

I would ague that your personal loss is not appropriate for this essay - it doesn't tell reader why you would be a good nurse. Anyone in the same situation would feel like you did. What does it tell them other than that you miss your friends? In fact you say it yourself "no amount of clinical experience helping patients cope with death could have prepared me for the deep sadness and confusion that I endured"

So why include it? What goal does it serve?

Quick question. Do you really talk like this? "Thus far in my undergraduate education, I have attained levels of equanimity and balance that have allowed me to excel in demanding coursework."

If not, then don't write like it. Write at the same level you speak at, but make sure it is grammatically correct. You obviously have had some writing courses - pull out your old work or texts and review the basics.

I recommend a small book, "The Elements of Style" by Willian Strunk - your local library may have a copy. This book is still considered by many to be the standard for effective writing.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there is no time to waste. Your personal statement is probably the most important part of your application. And it may be the deciding factor on whether you get in or not.

If you would like more feedback please let me know. Or use your campus writing center as they are usually an excellent source for writing assistance and editing.

Good luck.