So unhappy, then a huge life change--is this a sign?

[wannabecnl]

I just graduated from nursing school and immediately started a job in a cardiac surgical stepdown unit. I spent many days in orientation, which was fine, but then I got to the unit. It is just not what I want to be doing. I love reading journals, but I can't get interested in heart meds or the newest therapies. I do love procedures and look forward to learning to remove chest tubes and pacer wires, but that's 3 years off. The patients are great (always my favorite part of any unit where I've had clinical), but I am discouraged that so many think they can go back to their old lifestyles after CABG surgery. I think I could master the time management part with time, but I have absolutely no joy about this situation.

One night this week I journaled about how I was dreading going back for my third day on the floor and just praying for a way out, and that night, my own mother died suddenly and unexpectedly of an apparent MI. So now I am dealing with all those logistics and emotions, and truly, the absolute last place I want to go is my cardiac unit. My employer has been great, telling me to take the time I need and they will adjust my orientation schedule, but I don't know if I even want that.

I should be happy to have a job at all, I know that. So many on this board would take this job in a heartbeat (pun intended). It is a good place to work and to learn. My mom was so sad when I came home from my first day on the floor so dejected about it not being what I wanted at all.

I know that one should not make big changes in the year after a big life event like this, but I don't know if this was a sign that I'm not supposed to be there in the first place or if it's an opportunity for me to grow as a nurse and as a person. I don't want to give up this soon, but I also don't want to be there. And of course, mostly I miss my mom.

[juzme]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother...give yourself time to heal to make any changes if you can.

[wannabecnl]

Just an update:

I resigned from my job about 3 1/2 weeks ago, and it was the best decision I could have made. I had gone back, wanting to give it a try, and while the first week was okay (mostly class and reorienting), the second week got increasingly worse until I had a panic attack on the floor and decided to cut everyone's losses. Thank God it did not happen in a patient's room but rather while getting report. I have taken the intervening time to plan and hold my mom's memorial, sleep, talk with a counselor, and manage my anxiety, not to mention my daughter's. I was still in orientation, so the schedule was brutal, leaving no time to manage estate stuff (in 8 consecutive days, I would have been off 1, possibly a weekend day, because of training classes in addition to shifts). It was not fair to the unit for me to string them along, especially when I did not want to be there anyway and couldn't say when I would be functional again.

I have to say that I initially bristled at some of the replies people had left, but I realized I had not given you all the details. I also know that even with all the details, some will continue to think I took the easy way out. Nothing about this has been easy. My mother died at my house (she lives out of state). I found her body. I did CPR on her. I tried desperately to keep my children out of the room and away from her body. I watched the funeral people drag her through my tiny, circuitous hallway. I have to go into the room where she died to work on this computer every single day. This is not a poor-me tirade; I am giving myself permission to say it was horrible. I know she is lucky that she died quickly where she felt safe and not tethered to all the crap we put on our patients, but that doesn't take away the mental image of her lying there, an image that will not leave my head.

Yes, I am incredibly blessed to have this supposed luxury of quitting a job. Just not having tuition payments going out the door is a financial improvement, but please realize I never had that luxury while my husband was in school, no matter how much my jobs sucked. I have been there, and I'm sorry if some readers are there now and are stuck in jobs they don't want. I thank God every day that I have a chance to recover from this. Please also realize that I am now just another new grad without a job, so when I do go back, who knows what my chances will be to find a job that makes more sense?

Ask yourselves: would you want a nurse who is always one step away from a panic attack taking care of your loved one? Of you? Do you want to work with that nurse?

Finally, thank you for the encouragement in your replies, both to stay and to leave. I gave your advice a lot of thought, and it helped me to decide to try and ultimately to stop.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Thank you for updating us. You have gone through hell in these past weeks, and you deserve nothing less than all the compassion and support you can get. Consider me one of your supporters. Gentle hugs and prayers for you today and in the difficult days yet to come.:hug: