Have I ruined my nursing career?

[jlc0618]

I am honestly just looking for an objective opinion. I was born with a rare genetic condition that greatly effects my appearance. Being in and out of hospitals and having dozens of surgeries as a child, I developed a great admiration for nurses. My mother and grandmother are also nurses.. so that is what I decided I wanted to do.

I always struggled with some social anxiety due to bullying but I fought hard to get into a BSN program. Once I began the program, there was one obstacle after another. This is where the bullying from patients and nurses regarding my appearance started, and my struggle with depression, anxiety, and panic disorder began.

After graduating with my BSN as a member of STTI, I sought help for my mental health and passed my NCLEX in 75 questions. I thought everything was under control.

Fast forward to July 2015, I landed a job as a new grad in endoscopy at a magnet hospital. Besides the usual new nurse jitters, everything was going great. I recieved praise from drs, nurses, and pts. I was getting a grasp on my specialty. Then the bullying started. That in combination with my poor self esteem and increasingly worse issues with depression and anxiety paralyzed me. I was sobbing or having panic attacks before work, after work, and before bed. All while going to therapy and my psychiatrist.

October of 2016 I hit rock bottom. I was either going to steal anesthesia and overdose or walk outside the hospital onto the rail line. My director escorted me to the ER, where I was admitted to the psych ward. That day changed everything.

I went on short term disability. One day in late November, I went back to work. I was assigned a "buddy" for the day. It didn't go well. My director and I agreed that I should extend my disability.

That was the last day I ever stepped back into that hospital. My anxiety was so crippling that I could not bare to go back.

In late December, I was hired on at an outpt endo center for a PRN position. I thought it would be good to ease back into nursing. I was still struggling every shift with anxiety and panic, but most of the time I was able to push through. I let my manager know early on that I'd like to transition to FT whenever possible. In late June, she ultimately phased me out by hiring a new FT RN. There were no hours for me to work. I have recieved unemployment benefits but they are now coming to an end.

Over this past year, I have been on close to a dozen interviews. They have been for postions in and out of my specialty. I have not been offered a position.

My mental health is an ongoing struggle. Part of me wants to give nursing another chance and not waste my degree. I love taking care of people and interacting with patients. However, with the recurring bullying, my past history and other downsides to nursing, it makes me consider leaving the profession. I can't decide if i should continue to look for a job and then the same thing happens with my mental illnesses, or if I should try and get any job I can.

I apologize for the long post. I just thought what details I gave were necessary to understand the situation. I'm curious to read some objective comments. Thank you.

[winniewoman9060ret]

I admire you. You can find a home in nursing. Per Diem may be the way for a while. Stay in counseling. If you're on meds, you may need a change. Your not at the best you can be. Hang in there. Keep up posted on your progress.