hard homelife and bsn school

[ahauts]

*also posted in general forum accidentally*

Hey all, just looking for advice (and maybe some positive words because I'm in a pretty low place).

I have 4 weeks left of my 2nd year in a 4 year BSN program in BC, Canada. I love nursing, especially my time in clinical. The workload is pretty big: I'm out of the house at school/commuting/hospital work about 15-17 hours a day 5 days a week, sometimes 6. If I was JUST stressed by school it might be easier (I admire all you moms/dads out there balancing kids), but I have a difficult home life.

I am 20 and live at home, and for as long as I've remember, my mom has been emotionally abuse to me. I didn't really recognize this behavior as abuse until more recently, I just thought she was really mean to me and and when I was younger I thought it was normal so I didn't seek help. I come home from a long day and try to study, but my anxiety is heightened when I am at home because she is constantly yelling at me for everything (ex-why is that jacket on the wrong hook, why aren't you saying goodbye when you leave that is so rude, how dare you not make your bed that is so disrespectful towards me and you are unappreciative and lazy)...meanwhile I'm getting up at 4am and commuting on a bus 3 hours to school or a hospital, writing papers until late in the night, so I don't think my bed being made is a huge deal. Its also hard to take these comments when she doesn't work and hasn't worked in 20 years. I don't know what to say so I usually just go to my room and cry, I wish I wasn't so sensitive.

I love her just because she is my mother, and she is great in many ways, she makes dinner a lot, and lets me live without rent, but we just don't see eye to eye. I want to respect her wishes because I am under her roof, but its just very hard to live with her. When I was younger (but not recently) she was physically abusive, used to hit and pinch me while she was driving, slap me, etc (my dad was never around when she did this). I hated my childhood and find these memories very upsetting and it makes it difficult for me to have a good relationship with her because I have lingering resentment and a lot of anxiety being around her, I don't know why, but sometimes I feel like she'll do something to me again. I'm scared more of her emotional abuse, but I also feel safe enough physically to stay there. I suppose my only reason for staying is that I still have a lot of school to pay for and I have a place to live, but I am really considering moving out lately. I think I've cried every day for a year, other than the 6 months I had a practicum in another town (so this confirms a lot of my depression and anxiety is probably due to living at home and not nursing school).

I want to move out soon, despite that she doesn't want me to (and will probably try to stop me) and I'll be further in debt.

Until I move out, does anyone have any advice?

I've tried working on our relationship and communicating with her, but she just gets mad and yells at me everytime I ask if she wants to talk about our relationship, and tells me its my fault I'm not grateful or helpful enough around the house, despite me telling her I am. So for now, I've just tried emotionally distancing myself, which in itself is upsetting, and hard because I'm a pretty sensitive person.

I've seen counselors (she refuses to), and I've seen my doctor. I have a low dose prescription of ativan, and so far I've just used it on the nights I can't sleep because I'm so anxious about living there and school stress.

I'm not sure what else I can do immediately that will help...I'm just really upset and wish I had that warm feeling people get when they think of their moms, but I just get upset and cry when I think of memories with her. I would never treat a child the way I was treated and still am treated.

[WanderingWilder, ASN]

Does your four year school have dorms, if so I would go live at school. While she may try to stop you she cant do anything but not talk to you and that doesn't sound like it may be a bad thing.