hi! i am 20 years old and study in the first semester pn program. at first, i loved the program. i loved the classes, i loved doing homework, i felt smart, i got above average grades. for instance the overwhelming majority of the students hated and did not understand the abstract theoretical and philosophical courses, (especially the roy adaptation model that we study). i, on the other hand, understand it easily and pretty much enjoy it. so i was sure i was in the right program...until the clinical had begun. in clinical i do not understand what i am supposed to do, do everything awkwardly, slowly etc. finally the teacher said my performance in clinical is unsatisfactory, that i appear distracted and not paying attention (which is not the case) also that "my communication patterns with clients are vague" and placed me on a contract (which basically means that from now on, if i mess up on any little thing i am out of the program). soon i was placed on a contract in my lab class as well.
but i continue to do great in the theory courses! (psychology, health-care consumer, anatomy and physiology, nursing theory) i am not trying to sound snobbish or anything, but where i can compare my written work (such as posts and threads on our discussion board for marks for psychology for instance) to the threads of most other people, their posts look elementary school level compared to mine. my marks are in the range from a to a+ in these kinds of tasks too. the other day i looked at the thread on pavlovian conditioning posted by my lab partner who the lab and the clinical teachers like and say she is doing a great job, and her thread was so short and primitive and did not even fully fit the concept! and yet she is doing good, and i am already on two contracts, and yes when it comes to lab, she does everything so easily, quickly and effortlessly... compared with her performance, my clumsy and awkward performance looks even more pathetic...
during clinical too it is like my brain freezes, and i either feel hopelessly lost or dreadfully bored. actually i am lost, very nervous and bored all at the same time..
i also have considerable level of performance anxiety. when somebody watches me (which they always do in clinical) i cannot do anything right. they now watch me very closely in lab too, and yesterday i actually started crying when i was trying to do the lab practice and had to leave to calm down for 15 mins, because the teacher was only watching me, she pretty much did not watch other students, and asked me to repeat the same simple procedures like 3 times in a row until the class ended. and the "procedures" were like to practice changing incontinent pads, brushing teeth, washing face and basic stuff like that...
i hate clinicals and i hate lab. we have clinicals on monday and tuesdays, and after that, even though i have 2-3 theory classes on each remaining weekday, on tuesday evenings it feels like the weekend has begun! (...with another 2 hours of lab torture on thursday nights)
so there are three points of view on this.
my psychologistsays i should continue no matter what, cause what is undermining my performance is social and performance anxiety and running away from it is the worst thing i can do, it will reinforce it, so i should continue with the program.
my mom says it will get better, that i am only in my first semester and we are only doing the basic stuff now, and later things will get more interesting and i will get used to it too (she is a doctor, she says their first practice days were like that too)+ i will not have to do the practical stuff for the rest of my life, i can be a nurse and do research and pretty much never deal with patients.
my academic advisor, who is a pn, and one of my instructors as well, after a long conversation when i shared all of my feelings and concerns about the situation, says that it looks very much like this job is not for me, that i am clearly more into theory, and if i do not like being watched during my work nursing again is not for me, since my client at least will always be watching what i do. and that it does not get better, nursing is pretty much just this (well, maybe some more complicated procedures will be added later but still) and it does not matter if i am an rn or rpn, or even nurse practitioner it is still work with patients primarily.. she said she is sure most students in the program look forward to clinicals where they can apply themselves and it is theory that is a "burden" to them, and that there will be less and less theory and more and more practice in the following semesters and the fact that i am hating clinicals is a sign nursing is not my thing..
so what do you think? does it look like nursing is not for me? or could it be just the anxiety that ruins everything? did/do you enjoy clinicals? or at least did/do you enjoy clinicals and lab more than theory is it true?
