revised application essay, comments?

[kats]

I haven't had much of a chance to rewrite my application essay since originally posting it a while back. While being on spring break, however I have done some work on it and thought I would post this new version and ask once again for any thoughts.

Here it is and thanks in advance for your ideas. I think they really helped last time.

-Kimberly

I first became interested in nursing while in high school. I started off by volunteering for several organizations which help disabled children. I then volunteered at the local hospital where I worked in intensive care, cardiac intensive care, and intermediate care. Later, I took classes at the community college and became a certified nursing assistant.

After joining the Navy, I met and married my husband. I got pregnant and had a son. He was soon diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome which caused a delay in furthering my education as I needed to be available for his various appointments and to assist his schools. Due to the fact that he has now become very stable, I know I can return now to my dream of becoming a nurse.

The lessons that I learned as a mother of a child with a disability and by being a Navy wife will serve me not only on my path towards becoming a nurse, but after I begin working as well. Recently, while taking Anatomy in school I volunteered for the hospital here on base. While working there, I was able to work in surgery and the lab. In the lab, I studied for and received my certificate in phlebotomy.

I have chosen nursing as my intended profession out of all the various medical fields because I believe it to be the one place that I can best help people. I want to have a career in which I can teach patients and their families about what is happening to them not only while in the hospital, but also what to expect upon returning home. I also feel that nursing would be a fulfilling and challenging job as it is a field that requires ongoing education to keep current in new discoveries.

[Bevi]

Kats, hello.....

That's a great letter,

you might want to throw in:

you want to attend (insert school name here) , because you've heard what a highly regarded program they offer.

also, somthing like:

" Because of both my life and work experience, i feel that i have a realistic understanding of the challenges and responsibilities that are innate to a career in nursing. For this reason, i feel i would be an ideal candidate for (insert school name)'s nursing program."

Close with:

Thank you very much for your consideration.

Sincerely,

(your name here typed)

(your name signed in longhand here)

Good luck! I know you'll do it...

again, great letter!

Bevi

[kats]

Thanks for the encouragement and the suggestions. They made a lot of sense and I think, definately improved my essay.

-Kimberly

[SirJohnny]

All:

I took a different approach to the essay. Here is what I wrote. Just got the acceptance letter yesterday.

John Coxey

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1. Describe those life experiences which have influenced your choice of nursing as a career.

2. Describe personal qualities you possess that could contribute to a career in nursing.

3. How do you see yourself as a nurse practicing in the next 10 years?

Last August, as I waded in the middle of the Yellowstone River, my thoughts were concentrated on the native cutthroat trout that were feeding before me. How could I get one of these fish to take my dry fly? What more could I do to convince these fish that my fly was the real thing and not just an imitation?

I don't remember hearing the two grizzly bears. It's when I took my eyes off the trout and prepared to change my dry fly yet another time, that I noticed the mother grizzly and her almost full-grown cub meander out of the woods. Despite the obvious danger, I felt no fear. As I stood in the water, I'd say 100 feet away, I watched these two bears drink and play along the riverbank, and then disappear back into the woods.

That night, as I headed back home to Denver, I had time to reflect on that day's experience. I felt honored to be invited to share a brief moment in these animal's lives. I asked myself, how may people get to go to Yellowstone Park? Of these, how many get to see a grizzly bear while enjoying their favorite pasttime?

Upon graduating from high school twenty years ago, I started my own trucking business. After several years on the road, I left trucking to pursue a career in software design and development. Ten years later I graduated with a Master's degree in that field. It is that discipline of following a dream and sticking with it, that I bring into the nursing field.

Too often, today's society views education as a form of punishment rather than an opportunity. Granted, I too once held this view. Fortunately, I learned the opposite is true. Education provided me with the opportunity to witness those grizzly bears. It allowed me to participate in life, and not just sit on the sidelines as a spectator.

Today, as I write this essay, I do not specifically know what career path I will follow in the nursing profession. With this indecision, I see my career in nursing as an adventure. Academically, I hope that I can build upon the foundation that a nursing education at Saint Joseph's provides.

Someday, I hope to pass what I have learned about education and life to other people so that they too may witness their grizzly bear.

Sincerely,

John Coxey

[ I submitted this with my application to St Joseph's School of Nursing on March 9th. Hope this helps.]