funny pediatric complaints and questions

Specialties Pediatric



Vol.89 No.6

June 1992

Most Interesting Chief Complaints

-Drank the dog's milk - from the dog's nipple

-Needs a circumcision beacause his tonsild/adenoids are so big

-Can't find baby's birthmark

-Placed tooth under pillow - now lodged in right ear

-Piece of bologna string hanging from orifice

-Problem with his manlihood

-Baby is afraid of his hands

-Needs orifice muscles checked - has been straining

-Sprayed hairspray all over bathroom - then threw up from smell

Suspicious - Sounding Chief Complaints

-Fell out of infancy

-Lump down his tentacle

-Needs a mental extraction

-Romantic fever

-Cereal palsy

-Sick as hell anemia

-Scrap throat

-Swollen asteroids

Questions Asked

-Hello, I would like to schedule an emergency.

-Does St. Christopher's carry breast milk?

-May I speak to Mr. Dimetapp?

-My baby can't breathe. What time can I bring her in?

-Is it alright for a 2 year old to fly if he's constipated?

-Is there such a thing as a birth control vibrator?

-My little girl kissed a dead chicken. Should I bring her in?

-Should a 5 year old be wiping his own butt?

Other Amazing Things Said by Parents

Nurse: How do you know he has a stomachache-he's only 2 months old?"

Mother: "Because a lady who had her period held him on her stomach".


Doctor, to mother of child drinking soda and eating candy "That isn't a good idea for a child with his problem."

Mother - "Well, I certainly don't want my child vomiting on an empty stomach!"


Doctor: "What kind of convulsions has he had in the past?"

Mother: "Oh, he vomits once and then runs around the house chasing the cat".


Doctor: "Give him 3 baby aspirins every 4 hours for the fever".

Mother: "I would but my other 2 kids ate the bottle of aspirin at home this afternoon".


Mother of a 12 year old girl with abdominal pain: "I don't think it's the you-know-what. She ain't a virgin yet".


Nurse: "How did you hurt your leg?"

Boy: "I was break dancing last night and I think the break broke me".


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