Essay Help!(very long)

Tell me if I made any grammer mistakes too. And if you see any mispelled words please tell me! I am very open to any comments you have.This baord is a life saver! Thanks again!

Right off, what strikes me most is that there are far too many short, choppy sentences.

Try to combine some of your thoughts into more complex, compound sentences. It will read better.

I've helped people write application essays. What I would tell you here is that less is more. You're saying a whole, whole lot of stuff, a lot of it really good, some not so relevant. The reason you're having trouble concluding it is because your essay didn't start in any particular place and didn't go in any particular direction. Stick with me here and let me explain.

Your essay should be three paragraphs, maybe four tops. Each begins with a declarative opening sentance that tells your reader what that paragraph is going to be about.

Cut right to the chase.

I'd start my first paragraph with something like...

My mother is the finest nurse I could ever hope to meet.

Boom. It grabs the reader and tells them right off that you're answering their first question, i.e., your motivation for entering nursing. You then spend two or three sentences illustrating the example your mother set for you and how she inspired you to follow in her footsteps.

Your second paragraph should tell the admissions committee about you. Please note: You've spent a number of paragraphs in your original essay talking about what you IMAGINE nursing will be about, and how you are sure you can fulfill this role. And, though I'm sure you've said stuff about yourself that is true, it's not terribly original. Almost all the applicants will be saying these things (I'm caring, sympathetic, etc.) The admissions committee doesn't want you to tell them about nursing. They know about the profession, but they know nothing about you.

Try to give them a concrete example from your life, one that you think illustrates your character.

Example:

I remember when my family found out that my sister had multiple sclerosis.

Then, in the next two or three sentances you relate how this caused you to grow emotionally, and how you might be able to use these particular strengths when your future patients face similar health crises.

No heart-warming past history? OK...

I never thought I could run a marathon, and after 6 months of training, I still didn't.

Or

After my first day in Professor Jones' Chemistry class at **** State, I felt overwhelmed. I knew I couldn't pass this course.

You use this as a platform for illustrating how you rose to the occassion. You can freely admit you're not sure what challenges nursing will present, but indicate that your ready to do your damdest (is that a word?) to meet them.

In the third paragraph, you give them a simple, straight-forward reason for wanting to attend **** SON.

If this school is local, you might say...

Appleton [obviously making this up] is my home. **** SON is located here where its graduates can make strategic contributions to the health and welfare of my community.

A final fourth paragraph should just summarize the three points you made in the three preceeding paragraphs.

The admissions committee is going to be up to their armpits in essays. You want yours to be readable, unique and memorable. You want the committee to get a mental picture of you, and make them want to meet you and talk to you further.

Give this some thought. I know it will mean you have to start over, but if you know what you want to say, it will flow a lot easier, and hang together better.

Good luck.

Thanks tulip! That was really helpful! I'll be using some of your suggestions. I have a question though. How do I make it 5 paragraphs when it has to be 3 pages long? I'm kind of struggling to find enough stuff to fill up my paragraphs. I'll admitt I'm surley not the best writer!

Thanks again for your help!

Your paragraphs are very short, and you could easily do 5 paragraphs in 3 pages.

One thing to watch is that your statements tend to be a bit stereotyped. I find it admirable that you volunteer at the homeless shelter, but when you lump all the homeless into a stereotypical category of "The downtrodden" It totally does not interest me anymore. It makes you look as if you think you are some sort of angel of mercy at the shelter.

Try to expand and hone in on experiences that have made you want to be a nurse. Not just that you like to help the downtrodden, but what about the experience really solidified that nursing was for you.

Show them you have the potential for growth,

and lastly, try to emphasize what you bring to the program that is different and unique.

I think you need to frame the essay in a more coherent way. Try to show a chronological development in your interest in nursing.ie:

SOmething like:

I am excited by the varied opportunities that nursing offers. Or I am excited by the career potential that allows me to combine my love of science with my interest in working with people. Or whatever.

Then: I was first exposed to nursing as a career by my Mother. She is a career nurse, who has held several positions in nursing and now owns a home health agency. As a child, I was fascinated by her job and impressed with her ability to provide wholistic care to each individual patient. Now, as an adult, I continue to admire her work, and hope to follow in her footsteps at Clarkston (?) school of nursing. OR When it came time for me to choose a career path, I knew I wanted to be a nurse like my Mother. Since

Now you need to show some examples of helping others:

DIscuss your volunteering at the homeless shelter. you were motived to make a difference because you feel that even a small action can make a big difference in the world....describe a time when you made a difference to a homeless shelter person- if you can tie it to nursing example:

Like: One day when working at the homeless shelter, I met a resident of the shelter who was having trouble reading the labels on her medications. I was able to help her to figure out a system for remembering to take her medications on time. Once she got on schedule with her medications, she began to feel better, and have more energy. I found this experience to be rewarding, but I wanted to do more to help this person. At this point, I enrolled in a CNA program. In the CNA program, I learned basic nursing skills. I enjoyed my clinical experiences, and knew that this type of work was for me.

As a CNA, I enjoy my helping role, but as a CNA I am unable to (Do what the RN does). As an RN I will be able to expand my Skills and thus expand my ability to assist people with their health....

Does this help....

I'd emphasize the CNA class, and avoid the word Awesome, it is not professional. You can emphasize that you have experience at the college and how yu feel your learning style meets their teaching style or something like that.

You do have some grammatical errors... this statement for example, is not really a proper sentance.

I've done a lot of research, looking into the nursing field.

better to rephrase:

"I have done significant research on what a nursing career entails."

I've written a lot. Try to think of it this way:

you are telling a story of how you came to decide nursing is for you. WHy you care for people, and why you believe you will be successful. Use concrete examples.

I hope it helps.

Yo, BuddyGwen, did they specify/require the essay to be a certain number of pages? If I were on that admissions committee, that would be the LAST thing I'd want to require.

But KatyBell made some great suggestions. I'd still stick to a declarative sentence that tells the reader what each paragraph will be about. If you need to fill space (if they require 5 pages) then give more illustrations. KatyBell's idea that, instead of talking about "the homeless" you draw a picture of a specific person who touched you (or vice versa) would be way better.

Just don't wander around. There is an old cliche that applies to speeches and essays:

Tell them what you're going to tell them.

Tell them

Then tell them what you told them.

Thanks guys! I really appreciate your help. I'm gonna change it. I plan on going into more detail about my sickly childhood and how nurses helped me so much. I also plan on going into detail about my volenteer work. Thank you guys so much! I know my essay will be much better because of your help!

Yep they require a typed three page essay. Oh I have one more question. Is it bad to talk about your religion? I know they have laws about Non-Discrimination. I would really like to talk about how I want to be a missionary nurse. Would this be the wrong thing to do? Or could it set my essay "apart"? Thanks again for your input!

Yep they require a typed three page essay. Oh I have one more question. Is it bad to talk about your religion? I know they have laws about Non-Discrimination. I would really like to talk about how I want to be a missionary nurse. Would this be the wrong thing to do? Or could it set my essay "apart"? Thanks again for your input!

That's an interesting question. A judgement call. You sort of have to know your audience. I don't think it would be wrong. Certainly appropriate to mention future hopes and goals in such an essay. I don't think I'd go into the theology of it (explaining the "great commission" or the need the lost have for the Gospel, etc.)

Anything you put in the essay should be related to the other paragraphs, not just thrown in for extra. If it ties together some of the events and themes from other parts of the essay, then go ahead and mention it.