Employment terminated. Need help.

[roreyn02]

So I was just fired today. First thing management brought up was my passive aggressive personality... Ive never hurt anyone in my entire life, never neglected anyone or abused any resident I cared for. The residents I care for who are cognitive will all tell you im kind, I dont raise my voice and yell like many other nurses. But deep inside I carry a pretty aggressive personality, and ive vented around other staff and in very inappropriate ways. I swear about residents that get on my nerve.. They caught me making an offensive gesture in their direction in the resident restroom. The resident cannot see or hear what I am saying and doing, neither do the other residents. I dont say anything bad about one resident to another... But I guess I can see now that staff might assume im capable of all kinds of horrible things due to my way of acting out my aggression. Not good for the healthcare team at all. I deserve to be called out on it. I feel horrible right now. I dont mean any harm at all to anyone. I will take care of the residents to the very best of my ability no matter how much they get on my nerve, thats why most of them like me. These residents deserve respect. Even behind the scenes. There lives are very hard.

Now also what was brought up by management who fired me was incompetence. I was told that I am not assertive, my documentation is unsatisfactory and so is my knowledge. I will humbly admit that, this is probably true... I may not be the guy for the job as a nurse. My personality issue needs to be resolved regardless of what job I go to from here though, or maybe if im able to get re-training and counseling somehow and keep my license to practice. I felt like I was learning so much from this job and that I was improving.

I absolutely hate being a boss, I hate being in charge... Over the weekend staff were complaining to me that one of the aids was not "pulling her weight" and participating enough.. I would stop by and help her with ADLs and I was hoping this would get her moving... I can see how thats not right, I need to get her under my thumb and tell her to work. But im just so.... passive. Being aggressive is not the same as being assertive.. =( And being aggressive does not always mean your hitting people, throwing things, and directly cursing at a person.

If I lose my license due to incompetence, I guess thats fair... Its been tough, I cant think straight in stressful situations, I can follow directions very very well though, which is why I made a good nursing assistant. My main concern here is when management said my passive aggresive behaviors were "borderline abuse". That made my heart jump into my throat. Im so afraid that I might somehow have some kind of abuse record that will follow me around.

I dont deserve that. Im good with children, children I meet like me more than their own parents because im so tendor and kind with them, and im just like that with the residents. If ANYONE frustrates me though, no matter how innocent, I will swear about them and say aggressive things. I can now see that this is probably very shocking for my peers who most of the time see a light-hearted nice guy. Its such a strong contrast of personality. Management told me they were shocked to hear these things about me. Is my aggression alone, even though I wasnt damaging property, hurting anyone, or yelling at or putting someone down, enough reason to fire me? And, this was the first time I was called out on it... I mean, everyone no matter how old, how responsible has moments where someone from the outside needs to call them out on their flaws. If I were competent as a nurse, would they have called me out on it and told me if they see it again I could be fired? I know there are nurses out there with much worse historys than mine. I have a clean criminal record, never abused drugs or alcohol. And I hear stories all the time about nurses with history's of alcohol abuse, and DUI's. I guess there still allowed to work because of competence... Thats the key I guess. And I understand.

[roreyn02]

First of all, OP, thank you for your honesty.

From what you say, it sounds like you are aware that the anger you say you carry inside you is bubbling up and making itself known at odd times. This may even be happening at times when you are not aware of it.

It's hard to get to know ourselves, and it's really hard to admit that we have negative parts - but everyone does. Getting some good self knowledge and working to change the negative parts is hard, hard work but it is also incredibly rewarding.

I join the others in urging you to get some kind of counseling for your anger issues, other issues that may be alongside the anger, and also to evaluate your career path. It may sound overwhelming, but it's just about putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next right thing.

Good luck to you, sweetie!

Heh... Yea most of the residents think im a sweetie and all... but doing what I did was not something a "sweetie" would do. I dont see myself as a sweetie, sure I can be comforting for a resident, but if im frustrated and I want to cuss you out and hit you ill head over to the restroom were you wont see it. These residents are usually people who just chose not to like me for absolutely no reason, who have some kind of cognitive dysfunction or dementia. Ive been like this for awhile staff never reported it till now. As of right now though, I am thinking that maybe it was more incompetence that cost me my job, ive felt incompetent in nursing for a long long time, and NOTHING in my life has ever frustrated me more than nursing. Had they not fired me, but called me out on my passive aggressive behaviors I know I would have adjusted. Im not so out of control that I wont remember to close the door next time. I just hope that when management said it was "borderline abuse" that it didnt mean that I was somehow going to get abuse on my record.. If thats the case I probably wont be working AT ALL anytime soon in ANYTHING.

They tell me that according to what they see in my charting and how I handle situations on the floor that I lack assertiveness(like I said aggression does not equal assertiveness, and aggression does not mean im hurting loved ones, throwing things, or breaking things), and that I lack the knowledge and skills that nursing school was supposed to have provided. So, it seems to me that I may have slipped thru the cracks and barely made it by in nursing and got the paperwork saying that I am capable, but thats all paperwork, its not 100% accurate. Just because you go through school and get the degree doesnt make you competent.

This wasn't my dream job. I was always into more scientific things, like math, phyisics, chemistry, microbiological research. But another problem with me is I cant "juggle" I cant go to school AND work like everyone else does and get a good grade. I cannot think straight or use my reasoning skills unless im sitting down with a cup of coffee. I remember taking an entry exam to the school I went into and they told me I have the highest math score they ever seen. Of course, I havent developed this skill and I dont have any credentials. But I do remember math classes being the lowest stress courses for me, I was always confident in those classes. I remember people all freaking out in nursing school about the "math portion" of the test, there all sitting there grinding away at their math notes. I didnt even study and passed it easily. Ive been thinking I should have maybe been a math professor or something.. I remember being evaluated a long time ago in some IQ test at school and it showed that im very conceptual, and very good at reasoning. Traits that are good for someone who sits at a desk and balances equations and stuff. But that im very very weak at "putting things into practice" or making real things occur. So anything like art, engineering... or nursing.. are my weak points. Other than that, im awesome at menial labor like mopping floors, hauling trash, or being a nursing assistant. Just so long as im following orders.