Dumping Syndrome........

[jnette, ASN, EMT-I]

OK... for those of you who have a touch of IBS as I do, you know this can present some problems at work... so here are a few gems of wisdom sent to me by a coworker on how to best deal with this embarrassing burdon (or should I say LOAD?) :chuckle

~HOW TO POOP AT WORK~

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked

back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As

much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is

inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the

Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions

and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE

Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal

or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a

sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash

you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you

release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not

happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,

pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine

gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.

If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until

everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness

of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone

of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an

undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop

has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught

doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after

you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very

uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all

farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be

avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You

will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a

newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office

for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure

emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you

to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and

identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where

you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of

the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex

entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall

and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking

and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If

this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This

way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the

bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a

WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when

used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd

Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt

that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the

bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the

toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a

Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud

splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try

using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.

Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or

sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while

on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the

bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom

attendees.

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk

in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,

leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT

FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly

going into the bathroom.

[RichardJBoro]

Loved it. omg... i've done almost ALL of those.... :rotfl:

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

Loved it. omg... i've done almost ALL of those.... :rotfl:

Me too! :rotfl: Good one Jnette.