Deciding now, for the future.

First off, I'm in a teary, sad mood brought on by a patient that is dieing. He touched my heart last week and I have ignored it as for one I'm male and I hold true to the stereotype of being tough, not crying etc (even though its probably therapeutic for me and him)- this is my defense mechanism. I have not "really" been too much affected by patients passing in my 8 years of CNA/CMA nursing and care giving that I started at 15. I have seen a lot. Been through Hell and high water as they say as I grew up fast, experienced a life time of memories, and have had connections with many clients and their families, some strangers that practically became family and family that became closer. But this guy fit the role of a father, one that I have since lost to alcohol (again) 3-4 years ago and have not talked to in awhile... The patient is a recovered alcoholic and former addiction counselor so, he has experience in this field. He Keeps telling me that underneath all that bs is a decent man. And that im the best guy (in this field) that he's met. I didn't know how to respond. I still don't. I just did my job.

Well this decent man is dieing, and its affected me and made me realize. I need a break from geriatrics. For myself and my career to prevent burnout before I even begin my professional career takes off ( I am working as an LPN now).

I need a break not from the people, but the whole idea that these people are here to die and I am tired of watching the same of movie play out. I've spent all my time in this field (different facilities due to relocation). But, I think after I finish my LPN-RN bridge in May '14 I need to move on, for now, against the advice of many instructors who strongly admire my skills here and think i should stay.

But where to go? I'm so lost and helpless now and i have to chose where to do my preceptorship at soon. UGH..No clue really even after I go to specialty sites only to come back saying negatives comments first: "boring, limited patient care (IR, OR dialysis)" "feel like an errand boy (OR)". I do not like pysch as I feel disconnected with clients although love the topic itself. I have experienced to much sexism from my 3 L&D rotations. Thats a no.

I went to went to a children's like "nursing home" (cant name the place) for those who have chronic diseases, disabilities, learning disabilities ranging from acute (trachs, vents etc) to like independent. I was in the acute area and couldn't get over these kids' quality of life. I found it extremely sad...

I look at my grades. I do "fine" in med/surg... C's make degrees remember? I do better in maternal/child specifically in pediatrics as i did in my LPN year. The material makes sense to me; more so the school aged children and on. Although, newborns/infants i have interest in. But is merely book/test success with interest enough to say "Lets move and jumping into a whole new field"?

I don't know. So out of this long rant I am just looking for support and direction. My classmates although older some with families do not have the experience I do and are ready to settle down and know what they want. I don't and its quite embarrassing I think because of my personality. My experiences have and have not helped. And i feel I am too much of a negative, critical person particular of myself on making decisions. I analyze all angles, pros and cons. I question salary intently as grew up poor and know that situation well. I need a holiday.