CPR for the first time...

[emergenceRN17, ASN, BSN, RN]

I have been certified for some 20+ years but have never actually had to use it until yesterday. I was scared, excited, and sad all at the same time. I graduate from an ASN program this Friday and in a way, am relieved that I have had that first experience and all the emotions that come along with it...

How did you feel that very first time you did CPR in a real situation?

[HermioneG, BSN, RN]

I've never done it out of hospital, but I can remember the first time I did it in the hospital, I was doing compressions. My adrenaline was through the roof and I was going way too fast. Thankfully the resident hollered at me to slow down.

We unfortunately lost the patient, and I had just switched off compressions when the loved ones arrived. The sound of their grief was almost more than I could handle, and I had a really hard time processing it. I walked out of the room and was just standing in the hallway with this weird sense of shock and loss, until a very kind nurse took me under his wing and encouraged me to allow myself a minute to just cry. After my shift I went home and couldn't sleep, and when I did I had these terrible and vivid dreams of the patient's face as I was doing compressions. I had a second makeup clinical the very next day and it was extremely difficult.

I've been a part of codes since then, and thankfully I've learned to process them better by talking to people that I trust. I don't want to say that I've gotten "used" to it (because how can someone get used to that) but all these other times have been different in a way. I've been able to handle them in a healthier manner.

The sadness is always there, though. When I was doing my senior practicum and participated in quite a few, I thankfully experienced a lot less fear and a lot less adrenaline towards the end, but there was always that same deep sadness. It never lessened. I welcome it though. I would never want to not feel it. I get some small peace from knowing that I did everything that I could. Sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not enough. But I am just a small piece in a small moment at the end of another individual's life. I try my best, offer them and their family the most dignity and respect that I can, mentally acknowledge the enormity of that moment, and let myself feel it.

Anyways I'm happy for you that you were able to use some of your skills to help a patient in their time of need. Make sure to keep in touch with your emotions and talk to someone about it if you need to.

[emergenceRN17, ASN, BSN, RN]

HermioneG,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I did not sleep well last night and I definitely can still see his face when I close my eyes. Something I will learn to be better at dealing with as time goes on. I had to decompress after as the patient did not make it. It was all too surreal - first OD, first cpr, first time witnessing someone pass on. I can only hope to learn and grow from this experience.