Coping with depression and anxiety while in nursing school?

[thedayyouwakeup]

I've been dealing with a lot.

I just got out of an abusive home environment two weeks ago (been choked, told I was going to be killed, dad ran down the hall holding a knife to his throat saying he'd kill himself if I didn't go to clinical, told on a daily basis things like how my dad wished he never had kids, could kill my mom, and my brother wanted to see my brains splattered all over the pavement). I moved into the dorms. I'm taking out more loans to do so when I'm already in debt that I've lost count of - I'm sure by the time I finish I'll be in around $130,000 or around that, because I went for previous schooling that I couldn't finish and had to leave because my cosigner bailed on me. I'm at my fourth college and now in my third semester of a four semester nursing program. Yes, I made it this far, but how?!

I got dumped by my boyfriend of 4 years back at the end of May because he couldn't take my depression or anxiety anymore. I didn't have symptoms all summer. I worked as a nurses' aide and loved it. I have a new boyfriend that is wonderful, but is now stressing me out because I obsess that he doesn't love me anymore, since we're both so busy with our school programs.

Nursing is my only way out, not only of the abuse, but out of the debt. Nursing is my only option left for a better life for myself. I'm absolutely 100% passionate about it and know it's what I want to do. My patients regularly tell me how awesome and empathetic I am and how I'll be a wonderful nurse, but I'm struggling with my moods and concentration.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety all my life, but was diagnosed about five years ago. I'm on medication for it. All of it has drowsiness as a side effect. I'm frequently freaking out all day, whether it be panic attacks or just depressing thoughts taking over about how I'm a failure and will never pass. I get to the point where I can't concentrate except on the depression and anxiety. Once I get it all out of my system, it's generally very late at night and the only time I can concentrate because I can actually have a clear mind. Thursday night, it took me 2 hours of intense concentration and trying desperately to redirect my mind whenever a negative thought popped into my head to get through 13 pages of reading that should've taken me maybe half an hour.

I've already missed three classes, two weeks into school, because I can't wake up in the morning because I'm 1) drowsy from my meds and 2) don't get enough sleep.

I've been working as a nursing aide at a hospital, and it was there that I started realizing I'm regularly having tachycardia for the last year or so. I tested a pulse ox machine that I thought didn't work, and my heart rate was 150. I've been taking my pulse regularly and it's always over 100, generally around 120. I frequently feel chest pain and like I'm going to pass out. I get palpatations and can see my shirt moving as my heart beats. My psychiatric nurse practitioner thinks it's from anxiety and wants me to go on a beta blocker. But, my primary doctor wants me to get an echocardiogram and wear a Holter monitor before she prescribes it because I already run on the low side of normal for a blood pressure. I deal with constipation from stress that I have to take four medications every day for. I have frequent asthma attacks that come about when I break down crying.

My peers gossip about me because I miss class. None of them know or have any idea what I deal with. I have no friends there because it's cut throat and I'm not into all the drama and gossip in my class.

I saw my school's counselor weekly for all of fall semester last year. She was absolutely no help, and in my opinion, cold and heartless. She tried teaching me techniques to redirect my mind when I was having anxiety, so I could focus back on my reading. She said that I need to stop trying to make my anxiety go away because that just makes it worse. But my anxiety is so intense that I feel that I can't concentrate. All I can focus on is how I'll fail, how miserable I am, how exhausted and depressed all the time (or most of the time), the difficulties I have with my family, feeling like I'm constantly lonely... basically every negative thought I could think about myself, pops into my head whenever I try to concentrate. It's exhausting.

I see a wonderful therapist, but not again until the 15th. Additionally, she's moving out of the state, so I need to worry about finding a new one.

My parents bought a car they can't afford. Their credit is being ruined and their car might be repossessed. They take it out on me. I now have to pay for expensive things like copays or my phone bill that they used to help me with, and now I don't know how much I can work with how much I have going on at school.

I'm 90 pages behind in reading in one book alone right now. I stress out more and more the longer I realize this because it just means that I'm going to fall further behind. I try to start reading, and all I can think is that I'll never get through it all because it's ALL SO MUCH. I finish one thing, and there are ten other things I should be doing, too. It's driving me to the point of absolute madness.

I NEED to get through nursing school. I have no other options. I have no other way out. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to cope with the stress anymore. I got through two semesters so far, but last semester drove me to the point where I was frequently suicidal. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone. Taking time off is absolutely not an option because it means I will have to go back to my abusive home.

How do I get through this? Anyone have any advice, deal with similar things, or have words of encouragement?

[phoenoryker]

Please continue to work with your mental health professional. Everybody could use a little help from the experts :)

[nowayis]

You are effected because you have a heart and that is a strength disguised as a weakness. You are also right, you have no choice, but to give it your all. Everything seems to have fallen apart and you feel alone, things seem barren and bleak... You have no choice. Let it all crumble and hold on to those few things that make you who you really are the things that make life meaningful to you. Rebuild your beautiful bold heart amongst the rubble and strengthen it against the struggle. I have a two poems that I keep around in my head maybe you can use them or find something that suites you.... Any how, one is "invictus" and the other is the oath from kingdom of heaven. I believe in you from the bottom of my shallow heart, but that is meaningless because if anything it will only arouse the indomitable belief and beauty that is already in you. Whatever happens... One day at a time. Everyday is a chance to be better in the direction you want to go. Take care

[NurseGirl525, ASN, RN]

You need to fix yourself first. Get into your doctor again and see about getting to see a psychiatrist. Not a therapist. I think you need a psychiatrist. You are dealing with a lot. Please go and take care of yourself as soon as possible. Nursing is not your only way out. Your focusing on the wrong thing. Getting yourself better is first and foremost. Congrats on getting yourself out of your home situation. That was the first step. Getting yourself the help and treatment you need is second. School is way down on the list. If you need to take a leave from school for a while, I would.

[HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD]

By now, you've already studied Maslow's Hierarchy . You need to take care of your own health and safety needs before you can address anything else. FWIW, tachycardia is associated with low BP due to insufficient pre-load, so that would not be an unexpected finding. I agree with PPs - best advice is to seek assistance from a qualified professional.