Confidence, Gossip

[PatiencePlease]

I have been in the ER now 14 months. NOT long at all. I'm the type of person who really doesn't care nor want to know gossip. If I hear about it, and I question it, I go to the source... unless it's negative information, then admittedly, I avoid it. If I know about it then EVERYONE knows about it. Well the past two weeks, I have heard more information about me. I have found out, one charge thinks I can't be trusted, the same charge believes that I do not belong in the ED. I am mostly honestly a positive person. I smile at everybody, I'm polite, listen, I'm the "nice nurse." My clinical judgment has been questioned as if I should have a lot more knowledge then I do; I feel any way. When everyday, I go home if I missed something, I beat myself up. This something I've missed or done improperly gets called out, sometimes in front of people aka co-workers, sometimes not. I have taken the advice and direction from more senior nurses, who have then "thrown me under the bus" so to speak. I have performed some actions under their advisement, and when it was a judgement in error, no one has stood up for me. This is my dream job, always has been. However, lately I feel when I go into work, I'm going to disappoint someone or screw something up. I don't feel as if I can trust or speak to anyone without it coming to bite me in the butt. Any advice on how to go into work a little more confident without so much trepidation?

[NurseOnAMotorcycle, ASN, RN]

You have been working towards being here in the ED for how long? At least 3 years? (I peeked at some of your previous posts.). Now you are here. That says something in itself. You've already shown that you have goals and aren't afraid to work towards them.

You are just past your first year in the ED and things are only just finally starting to make sense to you in less of a task oriented way and more of a critical thinking way. Now your skill level is starting to look more outward and is noticing a whole new level of goals (perceived as "not good enough's").

Every time you "level up" you take a major hit to your confidence and self esteem. So in a way you should feel really good about feeling like you can't do anything right. If you can get past it and through it, you will start to realize all of the skills and early signals that you catch now that you couldn't before.

I also hate it when it feels like everyone is talking about me. It hurts my feelings and I start looking at transferring or changing shift. I am not a tough personality. I take everything very personally and too much to heart. But, thank God, I have learned that things move much too quickly at work for people to talk about any one thing for too long, and it will pass. All I have to do is wait it out. You can too.