At a Cross Road

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I, am 47 yr old and have been a nurse for nearly 4 years....my second career. I am currently working as an RN Case Manager for Hospice. I just had my 1 year anniversary with the company. I believe I am a very good hospice nurse. I believe I have the right personality and compassion level to help my patients and their families in the dying process. Throughout the year I have had several letters of thanks and commendations from family members for the care I gave their loved ones. I have met some amazing people and had some amazing experiences....and yes, it makes my heart hurt. But I have smiled and laughed as often as I have cried with my patients. I have discovered in myself a calm compassion that allows me to take myself out of the picture and give my patients whatever care they need.

This is my issue...although I feel assured in my ability as a hospice RN case manager, I do not feel that I am a good hospice business person. I am not a politician, a marketer, or a numbers person. I have brought business to our company over the year, but only because family members of past patients have asked me to help other family or friends. I am a patient advocate first and foremost, but that can be frowned upon when it is more important to add a new number than take care of the numbers we already have. These are not things I will be able or even desire to change about myself. I am apparently not good with work/life balance either. I have let this job consume my time...but I don't really know how to change that with the hours I have been working. My average work week over the past year has been 65 hours....but there have been numerous times that I've clocked more time. Last week ( and yes, this does include the Sunday I was on call...6 day work week) I logged 88 hours. I go to sleep thinking of my patients and I wake up thinking about them. I am very tired.

Am I wrong for feeling that it's already time to change? My kids are 14 and 17 and I don't have many more years with them at home. Plus, I am single....how will I ever meet a man who is interested being with a woman who works so much....not to mention the fact, who has the time or energy to even consider a date.

But what will I do? Would love some feedback

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You saved the most important reason for last. People on their death beds don't regret not working more. They regret not spending more time with family. You know what you need to do. Change your situation. Its not healthy for you or your kids. It sounds like you aren't doing it for the money. So make a promise to cut back your hours, no more than 60 per week or if that won't work look, for a new position. Above all, make time for your kids. Be all up in their business. You only got one shot.

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I haven't been back here since I posted the first time. Janeybird, you are right....and I am looking now. Week before last was absolutely horrible. We were even more short staffed because we had people on vacation, including my immediate supervisor. It was also my oncall weekend. From Monday to Sunday night I clocked over 100 hrs....and this was 90% patient time...I had no time for documenting. By the weekend, I was working with a dangerously high blood pressure, but if I had quit there would have been no one to take care of the patients....I was alone with no back up. By Monday I was a walking zombie and I must have looked like death because they left me alone this week and gave me nothing extra. I was able to see all my patients and catch up on all the documenting I had been unable to take care of. I had to go to the dr because I couldn't get my blood pressure back down and because of the symptoms I was having, he had concern that I might have had a light stroke over the weekend. I don't think I did....I feel it was just stress and exhaustion, but he told me I must have come extremely close with what I was feeling. I laid on the table while he ran an ekg, and all I could think was "I have to quit this job." The worst part is, I had called management for help earlier in the week because of a huge blow up with other nurses in our IDG meeting. (Everyone was feeling the stress. Those nurses were exploding....I apparently was imploding) The supervisor I talked to told me she would look at our schedules and get back to us all with help.....we never heard a word from her. The management here only cares about money...not our patients and not definitely not the employees. I am healthy...and my blood pressure has been good. I am not a high stress person...I am low drama, get the job done, take care of business with no whining kind of person....but this job is beyond my measure of calm. I am in the process of looking now. My kids need me around for years to come. We may end up eating beans and cornbread every meal to survive, but at this point I would take a job at Target or cleaning houses just to get out. Please send prayers and good wishes my way on finding something that will take care of my kids and me.

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Hey its been a month! How are you doing?

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