Ask for advice (then explain why it's wrong)

Or how about, "Tell me why I'm right to turn down a job as a new grad in a massively saturated job market! And if you don't, I'm going to turn down the job anyway, hold out for acute care, and stick my fingers in my ears and go "la la la la la can't hear you!"

And then in a few months they'll be back crying about how they can't find a job and it's so unfair to new grads.....

To Admin - we need a super LIKE button!

People are complex. Having your ideas and views challenged and/or criticized can feel hurtful and can leave the person feeling very vulnerable, especially if the issue is very personal to the poster asking for feedback.

I forget that a lot, but it's something I try to keep in mind.

Sometimes all a poster wants is someone patting their hand as they offer up some tea and sympathy and "there, there, I agree with you."

Yes, it can be frustrating to offer advice to see it outright disregarded because it's not what the poster wanted to hear...but there's not much you can do about that, except not offer the advice in the first place.

Then maybe they should warn us somewhere in their post that they are not looking for advice... They just want to vent? We are adults here, no need to play mind games. Because it's really annoying to see someone asking for advice then be defensive if they do not like what they hear.

Then maybe they should warn us somewhere in their post that they are not looking for advice... They just want to vent? We are adults here, no need to play mind games. Because it's really annoying to see someone asking for advice then be defensive if they do not like what they hear.

I think most of them aren't self-aware enough for that.

Or how about, "Tell me why I'm right to turn down a job as a new grad in a massively saturated job market! And if you don't, I'm going to turn down the job anyway, hold out for acute care, and stick my fingers in my ears and go "la la la la la can't hear you!"

And then in a few months they'll be back crying about how they can't find a job and it's so unfair to new grads.....

Not to point fingers, but I think you noticed which thread inspired this one.

There's an illustrative story from our family along these lines.

Many years ago, there was a radio show where people could call in with their disputes and the host would hear both sides and give an opinion. Sort of a prequel to "Judge Judy" :) .

So there was this longstanding family disagreement about something or other, being rehashed for the umpty-umpth time over Thanksgiving dinner and somebody said, "Why don't we call (whoever it was) and ask them?" General agreement all around, yeah, they'd know the answer, and then we can stop arguing about this all the time! He'll say I"m right! No, he'll say I'M right! and so forth and so on.

Somebody went to the phone and called...and lo and behold, they got on the show! And the host listened to both sides, and rendered his decision, which was a compromise that met both sides' needs mostly, and disappointed both sides a little bit.

And they hung up the phone, swore, and said, "What the hell does HE know?" and went back to fighting about it. This continued, as far as I know, as long as the principals were alive. True story.

Then maybe they should warn us somewhere in their post that they are not looking for advice... They just want to vent? We are adults here, no need to play mind games. Because it's really annoying to see someone asking for advice then be defensive if they do not like what they hear.

Of course, even if one posts a disclaimer that it's a vent thread, one still cannot expect everyone to agree with them. This is what happens when you post your thoughts on a public message board.

Of course, even if one posts a disclaimer that it's a vent thread, one still cannot expect everyone to agree with them. This is what happens when you post your thoughts on a public message board.

Yes, you have a great point. Although if i personally see that it was a vent post, i would be more inclined to ignore the post or maybe say "i understand how that might feel, i hope u feel better soon!" ;-)

I see this over and over here. Someone asks for advice, and gets almost unanimous responses to go in a certain direction. Then they come back a say why they aren't going to take the advice, and how they knew better all along.

Are they just thinking out loud?

I think a lot of times people are just justifying the decision they've already made or looking for agreement -- often times because they suspect it's the wrong decision and they want someone to assure them that it's OK to do what they WANT to do rather than what they suspect is the right thing to do.

Most folks who write here asking for advice a really just looking for someone to support them in doing what they've already decided they want to do.

Yeah, I remember a thread where the poor loser clearly said "I do not want advice" then ranted on about her situation. We ignored that, gave advice anyway. This is a public forum with a mind of its own.

I can never decide if I love or loathe the many threads where the OP asks for "advice" and as all the respondents [myself included] merrily argue our viewpoints the OP never comes back. I've seen these threads go on for pages sometimes.