Anyone here had a miscarriage? Any advice for getting back to work?

rnnluvnit2006 · Mar 14, 2016

So sorry for your loss...

I have had 3.(9 weeks, 11 weeks and 16)..and contrary to what others say, they don't get any easier....

While returning to work is the last thing you want to do...it is the one thing you HAVE to do...you have to do it for your sanity.

Lots of people will tell you it wasn't meant to be, natures way of keeping things balanced ...it will all be the last thing you want to hear....but as you get back into your groove...you will figure out how you can help others with your experience. When you see someone else facing the same loss you will have the empathy that only those that have been there can possible know...and your patient will be better for it...I promise

Julesmama28 · Mar 14, 2016

I've had 6 miscarriages. Every one was awful. I'm so sorry for your loss. I found message boards very helpful, lots of women going through the same kinds of things. Take care of yourself physically and take time to grieve emotionally. It takes more time than the physical part for sure. Hugs.

SoldierNurse22, BSN, RN · Mar 15, 2016

I too miscarried my first. To this day, that baby remains my only child.

I didn't work L&D at the time, but I started working L&D about 6 months after losing my baby. A lot of people wondered if I was emotionally prepared for it. At the time, I was convinced that I was. L&D nursing had been my goal and passion since I was a little girl. But these days, even after more than a year of working L&D, I find I'm the one wondering if I'm ready or not.

The days that make it worth it are the days where I help another woman through her loss. Or, more commonly, the days where I help a patient have a safe, quiet, atraumatic birth experience. I have bonded more intensely with some of those patients than I would've ever thought possible.

However, I won't lie to you--there are some days where it is incredibly, incredibly hard to go to work.

Grief is a strange beast. It'll come back on you when you least expect it. The past month has been difficult for reasons I don't really understand. And I'll admit it--it can be difficult for me to muster up a smile and talk with an expectant mother about her excitement and plans for her new child, not because I don't value her and her baby, but because I resent losing my own. At those moments, I am sorely and inescapably aware of what I have lost.

I don't think you need to prove anything to anyone by going back to work too soon, or going back to postpartum at all, to be honest. If going back can help you remember and honor the child you lost by helping others, then great for you and them. If you need to take an extended time off or seek employment in another area of nursing, then that's fine, too. If you go back for a while and find you just can't bring yourself to continue, or that the constant exposure to new moms and babies is setting you back in your grieving/healing, there is no shame in seeking a job elsewhere. You have nothing to prove and ought only do what's best for you.

One of my preceptors in L&D had miscarried in excess of four times. I still have no idea how she did it everyday. She did have a few living children at home, but regardless, I was blown away by her fortitude. One of my friends, who miscarried her first three babies, was very concerned about me when I decided to do L&D nursing. I still lean on her for guidance when the road gets long and dark.

Certainly give yourself the time and permission to heal both physically and emotionally before returning to work. Connect with other women who have lost, either on internet forums or through local programs. Be aware of your emotions, especially through this first year, and understand that they will change, sometimes rapidly, often without obvious triggers/reasons. If you find yourself avoiding the infants of family and friends, give yourself that leeway to allow for your own healing. Consider talking with a counselor, especially if you're concerned that the way you're grieving isn't normal or you feel like you need help.

All the best to you, OP. I wish I could help you more than just words on an internet page. If you should want to discuss things further or simply need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me.

SN22

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Mar 15, 2016

I miscarried back in 2010 with my second pregnancy, and I was working (as I still do) Ob-Gyn/antepartum/newborn nursery. As a weekend option person, I called in sick the weekend after my miscarriage for both Friday and Saturday nights (miscarried on a Tuesday). I'm so glad you've got a couple weeks to recuperate and grieve.

It's hard. And like a previous poster said, grief pops up in such strange places and ways. It's not linear, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There's no set time when you have to be 'over it.' Have a memorial service for your baby, or don't. Write him/her (if you didn't know the sex, pick the one you want) a letter, or don't. Do (or don't do) whatever you need to do to help yourself. For me, it was taking the pieces of tissue I had passed (usually on the toilet paper) and burying them under the maple tree in the backyard. Then a coworker brought me a kit to make a cement stone decorated with glass pieces to commemorate her. (Early gestation, in my mind I was carrying a girl and I named her Katherine.) Be easy on yourself.

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The best piece of advice I got from Allnurses was that when people say the wrong thing - and they inevitably will say the wrong thing - it's because they desperately wanted to say the right thing. (Thank you, brownbook.) It doesn't make the pain go away but it may help you keep from smacking people.

This is not something you'll ever 'get over', but with the passage of time it smarts a little less. I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and your family peace and healing. Please feel free to PM me if you need anything.

Mads.RN · Mar 21, 2016

I was going through a miscarriage when I got offered my dream job in postpartum. It has always been my goal to work in this area...I've worked in medsurg for three years while waiting to switch. And of all times, during my first ever pregnancy and miscarriage...I get this job offer. I was extremely thankful to have gotten the job, but also nervous as to how I would handle being around new mommies and babies all the time. Honestly, I believe that God placed me in this area for a reason. I have so much more appreciation and compassion for these moms and babies after seeing how incredibly precious life is, and how quickly it can be taken away. Each healthy pregnancy and baby is truly a miracle. I find myself getting slightly resentful when I see moms who have never had a loss, and have had numerous successful pregnancies. Not that I would EVER wish a miscarriage on anyone, but it's hard because I wonder- if all these women can have healthy pregnancies, why not me? But then I also see so many women who have had losses and are now in having healthy babies and that gives me so much hope. The hardest part though is seeing moms who are on drugs or didn't even want to get pregnant. That is HARD. You will have days where you break down...but you will also have days where you feel incredibly blessed to be able to take care of these women and basically snuggle babies for a living...how cool!

Even though I don't understand God's timing, I do trust that He chose this timing to place me here for a reason. I know that I will be able to relate and help other women through their struggles. And I know I will never take pregnancy or healthy babies for granted.

I am SO SORRY for your loss. Miscarriage is honestly the misting devastating thing I have ever been though. I pray that you find comfort and healing. Like other posters have said...the pain doesn't really ever go away, but it will get better with time. I hope you have a healthy pregnancy and baby soon!

Kimbo417 · Mar 26, 2016

I've had four miscarriages and it is a special type of grief that takes time. Many do not understand this kind of loss. But you know that there's a huge hole in your heart. As far as that grieving process, it is indeed a process and it looks different for each person. And the only way to get through it is to get through it. Expect there to be ups and downs and twists and turns. But know that you're moving forward. And if you find that you are not moving forward, then don't hesitate to reach out for help.

When I experienced my losses I was not a nurse. But I do remember being around other pregnant women/babies. That really bothered me when I looked at them and saw myself and my baby. However one day it's like a light came on and I had the realization that those babies were nowhere near my baby. They were probably nothing like who my baby would have been. I can't even explain it, but it was like a paradigm shifted and seeing other mothers and babies no longer bothered me. I still had my grief to go through, but it was different when I looked at them differently- if that makes any sense.

The last thing I will say is that I think going through loss does make us more sensitive to the fact that life is precious. It gives us empathy for others who are hurting. You will encounter mothers on your unit who have experienced loss and they will need someone who understands. Even though I did not get to see my little ones as I'd hoped, and I'll always wonder who they would have been and will miss them, I'm thankful for the impact they made on my life. They taught me to appreciate life, health, and blessings all around. They made a difference in my world. And for that I'm thankful. Hugs and prayers for you, dear.