Am I ready?

[SkinnyC,RN]

Hello all. I am new to the site so I hope this is an appropriate forum for this post. I am a new grad RN (I just got my license a week ago), but I am having trouble pushing myself to find a job. Don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY passionate about nursing, but recent events have made it difficult for me to concentrate on moving forward with my life and career.

I graduated in December. About 3 weeks before classes ended, I got a call from my sister informing me that my brother (and my best friend) was in the hospital being treated for pneumonia but wasn't responding to treatment. At the time, I was doing my practicum on an infectious disease unit and was working primarily with HIV/AIDS patients. My brother was a young gay man, and I immediately put 2 and 2 together and knew it was PCP pneumonia. I called him at the hospital that night, and found out that he was not only HIV+, but had progressed to AIDS with a CD4 of 3. I was terrified, but we had many long talks over the next couple of weeks and he seemed to be doing well. A few days after I finished classes, I got a call from my father informing me that my brother had taken a turn for the worst and was on life support. I fled back to my home state 3 hours away in a blizzard to be with my brother. He went back and forth from better to worse for a week until the day after Christmas, when the decision had to be made to take him off of the ventilator. I held his hand and cried the entire time. I was, and still am devastated. I just don't know if I am emotionally ready to care for patients, as I have always wanted a career in intensive care. Am I being ridiculous? Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this and past my fears so that I can begin my life as an RN? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD]

Well, you're going to have to explain why you waited so long to take NCLEX - that's for sure.

I hope that the experience with your brother is the worst thing that is going to happen to you in life - but sadly I doubt that this is true. I have been the primary caregiver for three members of my immediate family during their terminal illnesses over a 4 year period & this involved several ICU stays. But the only lasting effect on my clinical practice has been an increased sensitivity to the needs of patient families.

It's very important to separate your own emotional reaction (to your brother's illness) from the environment in which the care was delivered. If not, you will need to seek out a job in a non-acute setting. Hopefully, the experience with your brother has left you with a richer and deeper understanding of your own capability to provide care to others.