advice

[Maco]

I need some advice on what to do about family issues, My dad had a massive cva 2 wks ago. He is in icu..has a trach and peg placed last Fri. From my understanding he is going good from a medical standpoint.He is flacid on rt side.He trys to talk but has trach collar on.I think over all he is doing well. I realize he may never walk again,but he can follow comands at times and he will smile when spoken to.My problem is my stepmom and her sisters.My dad has raised me since my mom passed away when i was 7. My stepmom and me have never gotten along..she is very controling over him and has always been jealous of me and him.When my stepmoms sister visits him she talks about how bad he looks and he would not want this.She feels my stepmoms head full of negativity and also my fathers.I know he can hear what she is saying...I try and give my stepmom advice and explain things to her because i am a rn...she doesn't listen to a thing I say.My dad has no living will or poa...im not sure my legal rights to make any medical decsesions on his behalf...im thinking that my step mom has all the rights. My issue is she doesn't understand any of what really going on with him...she is actually had part of him having this massive cva to begin with..}i don't wanna go into details}...today i went to see him and my stepmom and her sister and my daughter were in the room, I noticed his resp were up to 28...i started to worry maybe something is going on. Then when my stepmom and her sister left my daughter told me that my stepmoms sister was talking neg about him. I started wondering if he heard was she was saying and was starting to become anxious. Now it seems as if my stepmom is not keeping me informed of anything going on with him.I just don't know what to do.If my dad was suffering and i knew he wasn't getting any better i wouldn't mind letting him go..i feel he is fighting this and that if he didn't want this he would give up. The pulm and neuro say it is a wait and see as to what will come back and what want. I just want my dad to be given an chance.My stepmom has already told on md that she felt i was stepping on her toes...i just ask the questions about labs and resp...stuff she doesn"t understand...If it was me and i knew nothing about the medical field and if i had a nurse in the family..i would want their advice..she is just soo jealous of me and my dad.Its getting to where if i visit and her and her sister are in the rm...i can't take it..i have you leave.While im with him..im always massaging his legs and moving his joints...her sister will sit there and say im hurting him and he doesn't like.I just wanna know if any of you have experienced this and can give me advice?

[whodatnurse]

Familial conflicts...ugh! There's nobody like our closest relatives who know how to push all our buttons. LOL

We can't control others' behavior...only our own. As hugely impossible as it might seem, consider making the choice that for the duration of this trying time in your father's life, you are going to give him the gift of setting aside your battles with any of HIS loved ones. Give the others plenty of space to be themselves, while also doing the same for yourself...in other words...quickly get to a place in your own head to agree to disagree (without worrying whether or not the other parties do likewise).

So...continue to massage his legs and rotate his joints. When your aunt says not to, just warmly say something like, "awww...I would never do anything that was painful for dad or that he didn't like...right Dad?" If he smiles, then continue. Don't create 'more' than it ought to be. As for her upsetting him...well...try to keep the bigger picture in mind. Her presence may be a comfort to your dad's wife...and your Dad may be glad for that. You're not going to change her in the near future...so just attempt to keep yourself calm and centered so things don't escalate more than they ought to.

Have your Dad's doctor have a private discussion with him concerning filling out the various forms so his wishes are legally clarified. Then whatever he decides...respect his right to self-determine...even if you don't agree with his choices. For whatever reasons...however bewildering they may seem...he did choose your stepmother as his life partner...and her influence carries significant weight with your Dad.

I would strongly discourage engaging in any new battles at this time. Save your energies for giving your father the very best of yourself and demonstrating to him how very much he means to you.

I wish you the very best of luck during this difficult time in your life.

[Maco]

Thank all of you for the advice!!