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kopatel23 kopatel23 (New) New

Hello I'm applying for accelerated 2nd degree nursing programs. And need help on my essay !

If anyone could give me some advice on what have so far I would appreciate it. Most of the schools that I'm applying to are asking why I chose the profession

So here's my essay I know it's on the longer side so I would love to know what I should cut out.


When I graduated from Drexel University, my goal was to apply to Physician Assistant schools,while I took a year off, worked and took some classes, little did I know that my dream job was going to change. I started working at a sub-acute rehabilitation facility, when I started to notice the dynamic between nurses, doctors, and PAs and NPs. I began to find myself more drawn to nurses and what they do, how they are the ones who care for the patient as a person and not just treating a diagnosis, they are advocates for the patients to other health care professionals. When you're a nurse you're more than someone who just deals with medicine you're a teacher, a counselor, you're there for people in their most vulnerable times, most importantly you're the glue that keeps everything from falling apart. And then it hit me, that I was destined to be a nurse. I felt excited and was filled with passion to pursue this new dream of mine. I found ways I can get my more patient contact and I started a course in Phlebotomy.

I had the opportunity to work at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital to gain clinical experience, while earning my phlebotomy certificate, and it was the most exhilarating and inspiring experience I have had yet. Every day I would come in and perform venipunctures and on all types of people, kids, adults, those afflicted with diseases, and those who weren't and I saw how it important it was for the patients to feel at ease and comfortable. Many of the patients I had met had a lot of unpleasant experience with having their blood drawn in the past, hence they were hesitant when I was prepping to draw their blood especially after knowing that I was student with very little experience. However, I made the best effort I could to make sure they were comfortable, at felt as little pain as possible. I engaged in conversation with them and got a little insight into their lives and before they knew it the procedure was done. A lot of them even went on to say that I was even better than the professionals. It was a huge compliment for me and it gave me a lot of courage and confidence, but more importantly I made an impact although it was a small it made all the difference to me.

The biggest impact made on me was an experience with one patient. I was on a pediatric round with a certified phlebotomist and we entered the room of a 2 year old. Since this was my first time with a baby I assisted the phlebotomist rather than perform the venipuncture myself. The 2 year old was sleeping so when we came interrupted his sleep. The baby wasn't happy and we had to hold him down without hurting him, it was a very stressful moment for everyone in the room. Since the venipuncture was unsuccessful we had to go for a heel stick. At this point I noticed the mother was in tears. She couldn't handle seeing her baby in so much pain and distress as any other mother, but worst of all she was blaming herself for the situation the baby was in. Immediately without thinking I started to comfort her and tried to let her know that it wasn't her fault and its good now that they found out what was wrong with him so he can get the help he needs and prevent instances like this in the future. A short moments later a nurse stepped in and started to console the mother and unfortunately I had to move on to the next patient but I wished the mother and her baby all the best. That situation made me realize how much more I wanted to be a pediatric nurse.

Not only do I want to become a RN, but eventually I also want to earn my PhD in Nursing. During my time at Drexel University, I had the opportunity to work as a research assistant in the OB/GYN department in the College of Medicine. My job was to recruit participants for the current studies. Every day I would talk to different women about joining the current study about CMV. My purpose was to ask them if they wanted to be tested for the disease and if they tested positive they can continue on with study and participate in the clinical trial controlled treatment. I learned that doing this research is so important to the future of medicine but not many understand the importance of it.

MGH Institute of Health Professions, is highly reputable graduate school associated with over 600 clinical sitesThe first being the high pass rate on the NCLEX amongst ABSNs which proves how well prepared these students are within such a short amount of time. The second is the commitment to diversity, this is especially important to me because I come from a background that is considered a minority. I am proud of the culture I was brought up in and I am happy that I can bring to a school and it will be valued. The winning factor for me is that students designed and implemented nutrition based education projects for pilot schools grades K-8. Being able to work with children is important to me because I want to become a pediatric nurse. MGH Institute of Health Professions has a lot to offer in order to further my career and I as well have a lot to offer to the school.

You have a problem with, too many commas and, your punctuation in general needs work You couldbenefit from having an English major look over your work, too many Capitals for Things That Aren't Properly Capitalized (Phlebotomist, Physician Assistant) that said the content isn't too bad many runon sentences could be broken up. (This has been a total spoof).

Seriously now. Good general info, could make you stand out in an applicant pool. Clean up your writing style, break up some of those run-ons into separate sentences, convert some of the wall of text into paragraphs, and lose some of the informal language ("a lot"). Say what you'd think about for research areas if you got to that PhD program later on. If you did that, I'd give it a good solid B+.

Trust me on this: MGH IHP will definitely look at writing skills. There's not much point to my fixing it for you, although I could, because you will need better writing skills all the way through the program. So acquire them now-- a quick summer course would do it-- and good luck!

@GrnTea I should have added that this was my first draft so I didn't look over grammar, spelling or any of that yet. I was looking for more of a critique on the content and if I was headed in the right direction but thank you for the comments, I will definitely take it into consideration ! (: