Premise, I'm an "old" nurse and hate sappy threads, never read them, so if you're reading this and your new, or old and jaded, thanks for "listening". If you're an oldie like me, please consider reading through my long post.
To preface after 15 years in, all pretty much ICU, I've been there done it... and it doesn't differ from any nurses experiences in any area that you work. This isn't about the technology and high tech care, it's about being a part of a patient and family experience that changes you. I feel a strong need to share it, because I've cried tonight and haven't for many years.
Please allow me to share my low points to understand me....I deal with death every day, it's routine. As a new nurse I'd go home and cry, lately I can't recall a patient name that has past. I've been long since burnt out but an expert, taking the sickest with the poorest prognosis, repeatedly to train our youngest. I've been numb for years. Survival, yes... but numb regardless.
I've been going through the motions for several years, exhausted from patients who need a respectful death that aren't allowed one due to poor physician conflicts with death and dying that don't paint an accurate picture to families, to families that trach and peg their 101 year old mother.
Family that dishonor a living will and won't let go to family that keeps the patient alive for a social security check. Non compliant frequent flyers that either suck off the system or just lack any drive to help heal and maintain their own diseases. I've been burnt out, giving quality care without my heart in it.
Last night, a patient who never should have survived his last admit, was readmitted and intubated on the spot. With only one lung, a pneumonia in it and a loculated lung infection ... we were going the wrong way quickly. His wishes with an underlying lung cancer were to fight to the death, put in writing in a HCPAO, his wife.
I remembered him, and wrote him off as dead his last admit, but he recovered and spent a week at home, his wishes with his devoted wife caring for him acting as a nurse, hanging IV meds and fluids, wiping his tush, begging him to eat and fight, were to fight to the end.
Over only eight hours, I grew to know this man, understand the devotion that they shared, as the wife had said... "her sole mate". while I made futile attempts to stabilize him, the wife shared countless stories about him, their marriage in the hospital, and their two year old son.
Obviously he took a turn for the worst, and all respiratory interventions, pressers and what not could turn him around. When code status had to be addressed, his wife stressed, no matter how hard it would be on her, we were to do everything to honor his wishes.
Long story, not so short; the wife's brother, her "rock" had arrived and she kissed the patient and told him she was stepping out for a minute, her brother arrived. My patient chose this time to die, with in moments of her leaving he went PEA and we coded him to no avail. With his wife and sister at the bedside during the code, they were comfortable letting him go at a point that was futile.
His wife shared with me that my patient told her, he would never die while she was there................. He WAITED until she left the room, knowing that her support system had arrived and she would be "okay".
This beautiful wife, said to me, "he would have loved you, because you took care of me and treated him with love and respect". Then she hugged me and thanked me for "being there for them".
So in closing, it's so rare that I see everything happen for a reason, everything pan out as it should, even in the worst case... and I was absolutely blessed to be a part of their care, even though I couldn't "save"him... I really made a DIFFERENCE in their lives. How astounding!
I am renewed that I really do make a difference, and I'm not a customer service person for numbers and press gainey scores. I was deeply reminded why I haven't quit and mentor our future generation of nurses, I sincerely hope that we all have more monumental moments like this that keep us at the bedside, my wish to you, my fellow nurses:redbeathe Thank you for reading about my night and allowing me to share it with you.
xtxrn, ASN, RN
4,267 Posts
Wow....thank you .....I know it's an old post....but the topic never gets old.