RNS with depression - r u out there?

zacsmimi · Aug 8, 2005

Last night I woke up at 3 am (which happens frequently), once I wake up my mind starts going around and around about everything. So I decided to write a "heart felt" letter to my doctor and deliver it to his office today. I can't get an appt until 8/18.....I tried to honestly tell him everything that is happening along with the panic attack (which literally scared the heck out of me). Anyway, I told him I want to try a different medication. He doesn't like to give me xanax because he says, "you need to FEEL your feelings", no cover them up. I agree, but sometimes a small dose of xanax helps me let go of the terror long enough to function (go to work) etc. Believe me, it doesn't cover up the feelings, especially when my feelings are so acute as they are now. My eyes brim with tears, many times a day lately - and you sure can't work like that!
In December, my daughter, son-in-law and grandson moved from Atlanta to Virginia and are living with me until they can buy a house. I was soooo glad to have them nearby. My children were raised in Auburn, Alabama (where I went to nursing school), we lived in Alabama for 20 years, before their Dad and I divorced......my son still lives in Auburn and I worry all the time about him. I believe he is depressed and medicates himself with alcohol. I know he drinks too much and for the past few months has hardly communicated with me. I call and leave messages on his voice mail, he never calls back. In the past he and I have been very close and talked about everything from karma to politics etc. Then I had to euthanize my 14 year old Brittany spaniel last week, less than a week after losing a wonderful nursing friend to a freak accident. My brother is bi-polar, and my family of origin is very dysfunctional, so no real help there. I am angry this morning, angry at what? Angry in general that I have to feel this way, and angry that my doctor has not been more aggressive in my treatment.It seems I can't convince him of how "low" I am.
CAROLYN
GET ANOTHER DOCTOR. ONE YOU CAN AND WILL TELL EVERTHING TO.
This is getting too deep for you to manage alone.... please...
Zacsmimi

zacsmimi · Aug 8, 2005

Think good thoughts for me...after fighting "the blues" for a few years, I am finally admitting that I have Depression and will be seeing a doc tomorrow for treatment. I had a "breakdown" crying jag at work and am feeling really isolated right now. I love being a nurse, but feel I have lost my professionalism in front of my peers anddon't know if it will ever be the same again.

YES YES YES it can be the same... even better. Now they all know you are human.

If you had a seizure at work would you feel you had lost your professionalism??

Dont punish yourself. Good for you for getting the help you need. YAY

driftwood52 · Aug 9, 2005

CAROLYN
GET ANOTHER DOCTOR. ONE YOU CAN AND WILL TELL EVERTHING TO.
This is getting too deep for you to manage alone. ... please...
Zacsmimi

I pretty much have decided that I need a new doctor, I just have to get up the emotional energy to do it.......you are right, I have felt like this time it is too much to handle alone -I need someone to help me! Pray that I will be able to do it......Thanks

crystalbluern · Aug 10, 2005

Well, I saw a psychiatrist today and I really do feel a little hopeful now, I also am starting on Cymbalta SNRI, which is ironic because I also have fibromyalgia, Irritable bowel syndrome and a few of the other twisted sister syndromes that go with these...recent studies have shown this drug to also has some promise in treating the symptoms of these as well as my depression...I will call my insurance tomorrow to see what is available for me to get counseling also.

My sister and neice came by this evening and kidnapped me for a trip to walk around the mall...they did not want me to turn into "Mr Monk's brother" :chuckle

The only rule was to NOT THINK ABOUT WORK FOR TWO-THREE HOURS. That was really hard...I feel guilty for letting the depression get so bad and letting the unit down by missing work. I KNOW that is that is the problem...MY ILLNESS, taking on the responsibility of the world and beating myself up for not being able to handle it, unfortunately there are some in my workplace who ENABLE me to think that way... I found a little book at the mall and bought it, "I AM MOVING ON"...motivational stuff. Still praying. The Church leadership came by and gave me a blessing...yesterday, I really appreciate their support.

johosm · Aug 10, 2005

Hey. You are not the only one. There are a lot of nurses suffering from depression. We work in a very stressful profession and along with household duties our daily lives often seem overwhelming. To get the the point..First of all, those who take Prozac or other SSRI drugs should not abrubtly discontinue using the drug. Consider gradually decreasing the dosages per MD's suggestion to avoid relapse or other side effects. Also, try to find a support group in your area; they know what you are going through and can offer more helpful suggestions than I can. Keep a journal... sometimes writing your feelings down can release a lot of emotional stress. Best of luck to you and remember you are not alone!

mattsmom81 · Aug 10, 2005

Good for you CrystalblueRN! You've taken the first step to getting better, as corny as it sounds, its true...LOL! We just keep hoping irrationally we can handle this alone don't we. Doesn't work that way though.

My doc is keeping Cymbalta as an option for me as well, as I have chronic pain too. :)

Carolyn please, write down your story to organize your thoughts...and find a doc you can talk to. You know this isn't going to get better itself.

Hugs to both and keep us posted...I have you both in my prayers.

I felt a lot of guilt and failure too...but you know what? After a month on the meds and some talk therapy I realized my whole perspective was warped due to the depression..and the way I was FEELING didn't reflect REALITY. I also felt I was going crazy..but it was really a feeling of loss of control of my thoughts due to the depression. Again, an illusion. Bet yours are too.

Take care of yourselves, be good to yourselves and keep us posted!

crystalbluern · Aug 12, 2005

Well, I saw my new counselor today, will be meeting with him for a while I suppose, it feels so surreal. I mean I am not tearful since starting the cymbalta, and I slept a little better yesterday, but still having alot of anxiety about my workplace. Still cannot go very long with out thinking about them and feeling guilty for not being strong enough to keep going. That will change with work and time, but right now it is a real struggle. My counselor wants me to make a change to another unit, one without such a critical bedside care patient load. I have been selected to transfer to the Pediatric Clinic, but that was put on hold due to staffing concerns on the LDRP/NICU unit where I now work. My counselor said "how do you spell BURN OUT", well I guess I sorta knew that one was coming...just feel like a failure. :crying2: My bedside manner and skills are tops, but the confusion and logistical problems on the unit have doomed me. I just cannot handle it anymore there. The counselor wants me to "play" more and give him reports...sorry to say, lately all I do is work and sleep. I feel guilty going out in public to do stuff when I am off on sick leave, but I have my orders and that it is much needed therapy. I am afraid that I will become "the flavor of the month" on the unit gossip circuit.

TRichter · Aug 12, 2005

If you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of anyone else. If your coworkers care about you, they will not gossip. Everyone needs a break after so long, it sounds like you are well over due, you just needed permission to take it. Take Care of yourself.

"Let Go, and Let God". . . you finish it.

Well, I saw my new counselor today, will be meeting with him for a while I suppose, it feels so surreal. I mean I am not tearful since starting the cymbalta, and I slept a little better yesterday, but still having alot of anxiety about my workplace. Still cannot go very long with out thinking about them and feeling guilty for not being strong enough to keep going. That will change with work and time, but right now it is a real struggle. My counselor wants me to make a change to another unit, one without such a critical bedside care patient load. I have been selected to transfer to the Pediatric Clinic, but that was put on hold due to staffing concerns on the LDRP/NICU unit where I now work. My counselor said "how do you spell BURN OUT", well I guess I sorta knew that one was coming...just feel like a failure. My bedside manner and skills are tops, but the confusion and logistical problems on the unit have doomed me. I just cannot handle it anymore there. The counselor wants me to "play" more and give him reports...sorry to say, lately all I do is work and sleep. I feel guilty going out in public to do stuff when I am off on sick leave, but I have my orders and that it is much needed therapy. I am afraid that I will become "the flavor of the month" on the unit gossip circuit.

mattsmom81 · Aug 12, 2005

CrystalblueRN, you need to 'give yourself permission: to play, to take care of yourself, and to be imperfect. We don't succeed unless we've 'failed' a few times in our lives....at something or other. and asking for help is not failing, it is a sign of strength.

Stop being a critical parent to yourself, become a helpful parent. Imagine yourself encouraging someone else (a friend, a patient) in the same boat as you. You will be amazed at the excellent you would give...its good advice and advice you should follow for yourself as well. Are you less deserving than your patients?? Can you tell I've just finished some therapy on this topic...LOL! Hugs to you...better days are coming for you...so glad you're getting on track!

crystalbluern · Sep 16, 2005

AND...It is not a train :rotfl:

I changed to a Pediatric Clinic position, a little less pay, but the hours are wonderful. I am also working with the most wonderful, christian group of doctors and nurses and support staff. I am still in counseling, it will help me adjust from a high stressed workplace to a more organized regulated workflow. I just have to say this...WHY didn't I do this years ago. If you are feeling burned out and highly stressed, consider a change to a different venue of nursing. Sometimes you just need to be "repotted into a different garden to bloom". Thanks to all for your support.