You might be a nurse if.....

Brian, ASN, RN · May 17, 1999

You believe the first thing a person does when they enter this world, and

the

last thing they do before they leave it, is take a take a really big crap.

You know what a 3-H enema is...High, Hot and Hell of a lot.

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

Your friends drag you to a strip bar after work to loosen you up. The young

lady on stage does a nude spread eagle back bend with pelvic thrusts a foot

and a half from your nose. You are not aroused, but you DO think, "I could

catherize that". (True story)

You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the

barf

on your shoes.

You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!

You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In

The Ass) precautions!

You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body

fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you.

Ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to

HOLLER if they need help

Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease"

Ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you

suctioned it from a patient earlier

You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically exclusive" or

"genetically

challenged."

You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the

various human secretions you've encountered over the years.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily

calorie intake requirements.

When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the

answer.

You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a

co-workers sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker.

You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your

going to feel a little stick."

You've ever sworn your going to have "NO CODE" tattooed to your chest.

You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings

say, "I'm afraid of shots."

You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth

to cough.

You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you're a nurse, you

reply "Yes", and walk away.

A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a

catheter, but you get it on the first try.

You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually.

You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status

You hate working the night of a full moon

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce

You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage

You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick

You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed

You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group

You believe the lab should have a 'dumb shit' profile on the lab requisition

You have handled several 'lost condom' cases

You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis

You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably

You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will

be

your next project.

You find humor in other people's stupidity

You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm

Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat

You believe chocolate is a food group

You believe a good tape job will fix anything

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Brian Short

WORLDWIDE NURSE: The Internet's Nursing Directory

wwnurse.com/