1. Make sure you check the deceased patient's cupboard to see if they have dentures. It seems there's only a small window of opportunity to put dentures back in the mouth or then they never fit properly again, I've been caught out by this on more than one occasion, the last time was when the patient was already away to the morgue and I had to force them in and then wrap bandage all around the head to keep mouth closed. Jaws without teeth never look right.
2. Bodies make noises even when they've been dead for quite some time.. sadly sadly so sadly it is practically impossible not to laugh out loud when you are listing the patients belongings in the Death Book and the body lets off a big fart. Noises from bodies happen with regularly frequency, the usual ones being farts and burps but occasionally big sighs as well - which is excellent as the Student Nurse with you usually faints at that point. And sadly, as I've rolled big patients over onto their side so the other nurse can wash their back we have heard long fanny farts.. When a patient does that I will usually say something like 'that's been in there since 1947.." And sometimes you can be sitting by the nurses station a few hours after the person has died... 4am in the morning...quiet everywhere.. and all the sudden there a long drawn out fart from behind the curtain... and you wonder if that's the body ...or if there's a nurse in there as well..
3. Student nurses are easily spooked. It's amazing easy, when behind the curtains to spook the student nurse helping you lay out a body, they are usually very nervous right from the start and you tell them stories about patients coming back to life and breathing again even when officially declared dead... this is usually most effective late at night and it's dark and then you say "OMG he moved!" and the student nurses freaks out... and you say you thought you saw his chest move and the nurse is starting to panic and then the coup de grace is to look startled and whisper "his eyes just opened.."
Yes, I know, I know, I know, an evil bugger and I'm going straight to Hell.
4. Dead bodies magically disappear from ICU and materialise in the mortuary via Star Trek transporter.
5. Actually, no, that's a fib, the porters come up with a special trolley, the body goes into a compartment in the trolley and the top of the trolley is covered with a clean sheet so it looks like an empty trolley to members of public walking past in the corridor. However, rigor mortis seems to set in bleeding quickly; try to get your deceased patient reasonably flat because trying to get them into the trolly for transportantion to the morgue when they're in a sitting upright position is a somewhat challenging..
6. Eskimo's have many different ways of describing snow. You will develop many different ways of describing diarrhoea, the least favourite way of describing it when a Medic asks you about it being "just look at my shoes.." (and yes, this is how we spell diarrhoea in the UK)
7. There are no holes barred when you work as a nurse (literally), my fingers have been in places where the sun don't shine many times and I've seen more willies than any Media actress. I've also seen some strange objects inserted in body cavities, it's amazing just how many men 'accidentally' sit on things left in their sofa and the amount of men that vacuum naked (in winter) and somehow manage to accidentally catch their Crown Jewels in the hose... I'm telling ya, I'm starting to get suspicious..
8. Part of my job was to educate patients about the dangers of smoking and what it does to their health but ironically there is a silver lining to smoking - at least from a nursing (and cost) perspective, I've had patients who are heavy smokers and the very first thing they do upon waking up from an operation is to ask for a ciggie. Upon being informed that there's no smoking allowed on the hospital premises they nearly always manage to struggle out of bed, hobble down the corridor and stand outside and light up, sometimes literally if they have an oxygen mask on! Not without some irony, physiotherapists are always saying to me that they wish every patient was as motivated to get out of bed and mobilise as smokers are..
My old nurse tutor, Mrs Threadbare (as everyone lovingly referred to her) would turn in her grave if she read this but every experienced nurse will probably say 'yup, been there, done that - at least in this country', you see, it's the little kid inside us that stops us from going crazy.
