If you read this without LOL, ther is something wrong with you!
This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
For My fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who indentified himself as a 26yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 0600. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after firve minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already achiing from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTC week!!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!!
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the moring and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other s**t too.
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire - like teeth exposed as his thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with the dumbells. When he was not looking I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine+ which I sank.
I hate that Bas**d Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me the &@#% barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the &#%@ Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband ( b@$#%@d) will chose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hyserectomy.
Mar 15, '02
:chuckle :roll :roll :chuckle
Thanks for the die hard laugh this afternoon, Brownie!
I have tears rolling down my cheeks from reading that. It also gave me flashbacks to the time when I actually worked out at a health club three mornings per week with all the good looking aerobic instructors smiling through every heart wrenching movement. :chuckle Now, at 50, I turn the T.V. to the exercise shows and watch them from my easy chair try to kill themselves -- all the while smiling -- while they step to step to step on one of those goofy step-benches like the one I have stuck in my closet! :chuckle Boy, I need to go pull that thing out of the closet, dust it off, and pull out one of my zillion and one exercise tapes and get to steppin' myself again!
Last edit by live4today on Mar 15, '02