Lots O Laffs

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly

fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman

ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line

pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my

delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come

forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So

which six items would you like to buy?"

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get

re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a

living under the laws they've passed.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men

and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were

asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and

congregation members are mourning over you, what

would you like them to say? "

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a

wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a

great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I

was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made

a huge difference in people's lives."

Bob said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's

moving!"

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my

wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to

Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps

with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do

you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath

and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is

Larry's bar?"

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he

can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the

last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will

have to tell me the exact words that were used to

put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now

pronounce you man and wife."

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you

to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something

terrible is happening and I have to talk to you

about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How

can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm

certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me

talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll

let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,

"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the

phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man

said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."