A Primer on Southern Belles

  1. Subject: Suthun Belles

    This is for Southern Belles, Ladies who should have been Southern Belles, and those who would be Southern Belles if they only knew the rules.

    Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway." Or,
    "Bless her heart, she's so buck-toothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence." There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's amazing that even though she had that baby 7 months after they were married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds." As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that bad.

    I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you believe it?" said her friend. "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss.."

    Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the
    heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread !

    The ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech. We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't !

    And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed. I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the
    light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is or what "I reckon" means !

    My personal favorite was my aunt saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."



    To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take a dose of sausage gravy 'n' grits and call me in the morning, bless your heart ! And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they're
    fixin' to have classes on Southernese as a second language !

    Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
    Drinking straight out of a can...
    Not sending thank you notes...
    Velvet after February...
    White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day...

    Southern girls appreciate their natural assets:
    Dewy skin...
    A winning smile...
    That unforgettable Southern drawl...

    Southern girls know their manners:
    "Yes, ma'am..."
    "Yes, sir..."

    Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
    "Y'all come back!"
    "Well, bless your heart."
    "Drop by when you can."
    "How's your mother?"
    "Love your hair."
    "Well, shut my mouth."

    Southern girls don't sweat...they glisten.
    Southern girls know their summer weather report:
    Humidity...
    Humidity...
    Humidity...

    Southern girls know their three R's !:
    Rich...
    Richer...
    Richest...

    Southern girls know their vacation spots:
    The Beach...
    The Beach...
    The Beach...

    Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August:
    Summer tans...
    Wide brimmed hats...
    Mint juleps...

    Southern girls know everybody's first name:
    Honey...
    Darlin'...
    Sugah...

    Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
    "Gone With the Wind"
    "Fried Green Tomatoes"
    "Driving Miss Daisy"
    "Fried Green Tomatoes"
    "Steel Magnolias"
    "Fried Green Tomatoes"

    Southern girls know their country breakfasts:
    Red-eye gravy (or thick white gravy, or chocolate gravy for the die-hards)...
    Mouth-watering homemade biscuits...
    GRITS...

    Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
    Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say, lol)...
    Richmon...
    Chawlston...
    S'vannah...
    Birminham...
    N'awlins'...
    Oh, and that other city in Alabama? Why, it's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

    Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen:
    Men in uniform...
    Men in tuxedos...
    Rhett Butler, of course...

    Y'all know Southern girls are quick on the drawl...

    Southern girls know their prime real estate:
    The Mall...
    The Beauty Salon...
    The Ranch with the longest stretch of river bottom...

    Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
    Bad hair...
    Bad manners...
    Bad blind dates...

    Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fo'evah!

    G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South !

    Now you run along, Sugah, and send this to some other Girls Raised In The
    South, i.e., Southern Belles, or any females aspiring to be GRITS.
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  2. 7 Comments

  3. by   nowplayingEDRN
    Hehehehehehehehe! That was awsum dahlin.....now I think I'll be fixin to have sum biscuts n'gravy.
  4. by   eltrip
    Thank you, sugah!

    Ah have some friends who live in Ohio & they just go on & on about my suthern accent. Bless their hearts, they think names like "Chickamauga" sound funny but it hasn't occurred to them that names like "Maumee" & "Scioto" sound pretty funny to us in this part of the country!
  5. by   krispynurse
    Thank you darling eltrip. Sugar I guess I am considered on of those that belong in that there classification of G.R.I.T.S. being from Texas and all. I have been told I have a drawl even though I don't hear it. I completely understood everything that you talked about above. There are a couple of things that I can add though some people don't know what the back forty are, what cow-tipping is, or what the good ole boys are doing when they go out and go stump-breaking but a real Southern person will understand these terms. I even worked with this wonderful Canadian (no offense Canada) nurse that we even had to explain what a post hole digger was? We were trying to tell her it was one of the best tools to use in reference to killing a snake.
    Last edit by krispynurse on Jul 9, '03
  6. by   funnygirl_rn
    An oldie but goodie!!! Thank ya kindly mame'!
  7. by   jnette
    Woooooooooot !!!

    Eltrip, that was GREAT, and boy, can I relate ! See, I'm not just a regular ol' yankee, but one of thos DAMN yankees ! (the kind who don't go back home, but STAY !) So bless my lil' ol' heart, after 20 years here, I am STILL finding new things (words) I've not heard of yet... yup, never ate buiscuits 'n gravy 'til I moved here or pinto beans, or (YUM!) fried/wilted lettuce 'n onions ! Still can't stomach cornbread, tho'... OR the "swanee"... just goes all over me like hitting the wrong key on a piano. And I hear every BIT of what you had there on a dailey basis ...and then some ! Did you know that men carry "pocketbooks" ? Yup. Instead of wallets/billfolds. My hubby calls cheese "them cheese" as in "where'd ya put them cheese?"
    Hee.

    And yeppers, I was one of those (bless my heart) who said that about my "young'uns" when we moved down here..." OMG, my kids are going to TALK like THIS????" Well, guess what? Now when I visit my sis, she says "geeeeeeeeesh, you sure do sound like THEM !" I love it. Wouldn't go back for love or money.
  8. by   nowplayingEDRN
    Well bless my heart, I know what a post hole digger, cow tippin' and the back 40 are. I eat biscuts n'gravy andadore colla'd greens n'corn bread. So tell me, how'd I get stuck north of the Mason-Dixon line?? I am a'fixin to go up and git my daughter so I'll quit a'for a case of the vapors sets in and I swoon!
  9. by   CardioTrans
    Oh and don't forget "I do declare"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! said in my best scarlett o hara voice of course........ wouldnt live anywhere else but right here in Bama

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