Please critique my cover letter?

[mochamocha]

Sorry for posting on the general forum but I don't feel that the career section have a lot of traffic. Please let me know what you think. I'm working hard on my grammar as well. I really want my CL to stand out and I think it sounds a bit boring? Please help!! Thanks everyone!

Dear __________ :

It would be an honor to join (Hospital) as a Registered Nurse. I graduated with a second Bachelor of Science degree from (School) Accelerated Nursing program in June 2009. I am a licensed RN in the (State).

I am confident I would make a positive addition to your nursing staff. As you can see by my resume, I have worked as an H1N1 vaccination nurse where I have sharpened my assessment, communication, and leadership skills. In addition, my past experience as an Technician has given me the confidence to use sophisticated equipment and diagnostic techniques.

My work and clinical experiences have enhanced my ability to learn quickly, to provide safe and efficient patient-centered care, and to build strong interpersonal relationships with diverse backgrounds. I believe that these qualities will serve me well as a practicing nurse. It is important to me that (Hospital) is always advancing and has an excellent reputation for nursing excellence. It says a lot of the quality care you provide. As an employee, I bring my ability to apply critical thinking skills as well as my enthusiasm to learn and be part of an effective team. These attributes, coupled with my patience, compassion, and patient advocacy would make me a strong candidate for (Hospital).

I would like to arrange a time to speak with you to discuss my attached resume. With a given opportunity, I am confident that I can apply my skills to the job effectively. I may be reached at (Phone #) and I am looking forward to meeting with you.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(Me)

[metal_m0nk, BSN, RN]

I would omit "As you can see by my resume," and reword the sentence: "I have sharpened my assessment, communication, and leadership skills as an H1N1 vaccination nurse at ..... for ...... days or months or years. Put the information you really want them to know (sharpened skills) first so they aren't tempted to skip the rest of the statement thinking they can gather the information from your resume rather than your cover letter. I would word every statement in which you are tempted to point out your specific work history that way. Try something like, "I work quickly, but thoroughly, provide safe and efficient patient care, and build strong interpersonal relationships with people with diverse backgrounds."

List specific equipment proficiencies. If there are many, only list 3, max.

Put this "It is important to me that (Hospital) is always advancing and has an excellent reputation for nursing excellence. It says a lot of the quality care you provide." at the forefront of your cover letter - in the first paragraph, before or after stating that it would be an honor to work there.

If you're applying for a specific position, I would discuss why you would be an optimal candidate for that position and demonstrate some knowledge of what the position entails.

[dollycoyote]

I would scale it down a little and keep your highlights about yourself limited to about 3 bullets. Plus it is always good to include concrete outcomes.

The following is a sample cover letter. Not perfect but I like the general outline.

Dear [ ],

I am a Registered Nurse with over two years experience working on a Telemetry Progressive Care unit. Working on a demanding and busy unit with high acuity patients has provided me with many opportunities to develop as an experienced RN with established skills and competencies. I am interested in [ ]...

• As I have practiced and developed competency in a wide array of skills and interventions, I have cultivated the foresight to anticipate various complications and continuously prioritize for safe patient care.
  

• In my healthcare experience as a CNA, LPN, and now RN, my patient-focused care and compassion have been noteworthy. I have received considerable positive feedback from mentors, other healthcare professionals, patients and their families. I am honored that my patients and coworkers have trusted me and recognized me as a kind compassionate nurse.
  

• In my experience as a business owner prior to entering nursing school, my success in communication, organizational skills, and management is demonstrated in the fact that I retained the majority of my staff the entire five years I owned the business and when I chose to sell, the sale appraisal revealed a significant increase in value.
  

My experience, commitment to safety, and compassion with patients would be a great asset to [ ] and I am very interested in becoming a part of your team.

Attached is my resume for your review. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an interview, please call me at (xxx)xxx-xxxx.

Kind regards,

[ ], RN

Also, find out the name of the unit manager and hand deliver your cover letter and resume. A hardcopy on the desk is much better then a document attachment in a list on a computer.

Good luck!

[mochamocha]

thanks a lot! both inputs are very helpful :)

[mochamocha]

I would scale it down a little and keep your highlights about yourself limited to about 3 bullets. Plus it is always good to include concrete outcomes.

Good luck!

Interesting input.. I never thought of adding bullets because I rarely see it done within the circle of people I've known. It does appear nice and concise. What does everyone else think ?