Hi Terry. I don't know how long you've been a nurse, but you are correct that a fair number of us that entered nursing saying it was a calling had some idealist notion of what nursing should be. That's probably true for any category of people entering nursing or other fields. However, I'm a bit surprised that you ran into the reality shock you described in your post seeing that you were already in healthcare as an orderly.
Even though it's more the norm than not, I'm sorry that you don't feel that you can recommend nursing as a career. I'm not sure how familiar you are with the growing opportunities for nurses. They're so varied and flexible. It takes a while, but there are nurses who do find their niche. Some posters like me recommend nursing with the warning that potential candidates do their homework before starting their studies. That means first finding out if nursing is for you and you are really for nursing. I find what happens in some cases is that people who enter nursing enjoy the excitement of health care and the appealing opportunities, but are not really a good match for nursing.
The good part of your situation is that there are so many ways to work in healthcare and that your nursing education will always be marketable. As a nurse, if you ever decide to move on to something else in health care or a related field, you should have no trouble adapting to it. It may be, Terry, that you just need to give yourself a little more time with nursing if you can afford it. Also, try not to make other nurses, staff, or patients perception of you your problem. You may have a more at ease mind for it.