Ifonlyism

Published Nov 27, 2010

6 Posts

Recently, I received an administrative email concerning something that I posted. I do not have the ability to respond to the person or I would have done so personally. I feel that the email that I received was only out of concern and I appreciate that sentiment.

In any event, I want to clarify what I meant and detail the subject a little more in depth.

Life here, as we know it, will not last forever. This statement seems like a no-brainer on the surface. In fact, most of us as nurses and recovering addicts have first hand knowledge of this subject. Even for our best efforts no one escapes death.

My statement was that one of the things that I credit for my recovery is the realization that this life will not last forever. Perhaps this seems a little morbid to some. To me though, this is just one of many strong realities that I avoided for many years.

The fact that I can and will die someday makes me not take myself so seriously. I no longer have to chase after the next fix. In fact, there is no fix for what ails me. Life is a terminal condition.

This brings me to the subject of addictions in general. Our culture is predominated by messages that tell us that we will be happy if only we have (fill in the blank). This is what I refer to as "Ifonlyism". If only I were taller, shorter, thinner, more muscular etc... If only I were green, blue, white or brown.... If only I had that new gadget, car or house. If only I had more that. If only I had less of this. If only I could find the right combination of drugs!! If only...... then things would be perfect! HA!!!!

This is a tough current to swim against. My general feeling is the reason for 'ifonlyism' is to avoid the subject of our inevitable demise and the subject of personal suffering. After all, as long as we are pursuing stuff we don't need to look at ourselves and what is really most unsatisfactory. Ifonlyism gives us a chance to live life unconsciously.

As hard as it is to live consciously and mindfully, I am committed to this way today. Not because I love being mindful but rather because I love myself today. I love who I am. I am exactly who I am supposed to be. That does not make me perfect it just makes me aware (sometimes). Some things about myself I don't always like but it beats the alternative. The alternative being a life of denial and misery.

The ultimate reality is right here right now. Yesterday is a shadow and tomorrow is an educated guess at best.