EquinimityRN

This thread is really fascinating. It points to how very complicated we human beings are. There is much here to comment on. First, about ATN caused by a virus, I mean how bizarre is that? It’s good to learn that you are recovered from this horrible condition! What a terrifying situation that must have been for you. My concern is the cause which you described as viral and the potential for a recurrence. Second, about Ibogaine, Really? This is really interesting stuff. How in the world did you come into contact with this therapy? This would be an interesting story in itself. I am, in fact, wondering if you may have had to travel outside of the U.S. for this therapy. Third, I wholeheartedly agree with your assertion that much can be learned from other cultures. I would however also point out that caution should be exercised as well. What I mean is that while you certainly have found value in at least one aspect of this culture it has not cultivated a need to move to Gabon where the life expectancy rate is 52.75 years (at least not so far as you have described thus far). Fourth, a word about honesty; I am highly skeptical of anyone that would assert that they are completely honest. While I feel that striving for complete honesty is crucial to the functioning of our society and a positive personality trait we all know that there are times when it is best not to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Case in point, yesterday my wife asked me “How do I look?” She happened to be wearing a new magenta sweater with a black and white checkered shirt. The first thought that popped into my head was “Why so serious?” (I had an image of Heath Legder as the joker in my head). So, here is just one small example where wisdom prevailed over honesty to everyone’s benefit (unless my wife happens to run into batman; in which case I shall forever lament my decision to hold my tongue). Lastly, regarding 12 step programs; Passions run high regarding this for good reason. Addiction is highly debilitating and potentially fatal if left untreated. For those who have recovered through a 12 step program and have seen their lives significantly improved there seems no need to question it. I have been involved with 12 step programs for over 20 years. For me the benefits outweigh the negatives and I use them as an adjunct along with diet, exercise and meditation. That’s not to say that I think 12 step programs can or do work for everyone or that alternative therapies have no value. What I’m saying is that 12 step programs are completely psychological/spiritual/emotional/social in nature. 12 step programs are simply a means by which you gain access to a multitude of free tools that you have to figure out how to put together in your own life with the help of others if you so choose. The downside to these free programs is that anyone who says that they have a period of clean or sober time can be held up a model of ‘good’ recovery. Anyone who has been involved with a 12 step program for any significant period of time can point to at least one example of someone with significant clean time for which they would not give a dime to trade places with. Considering the dire situation of the addict that is just entering this environment there is no question in my mind that this can be a recipe for disaster at times.

I too empathize with your situation. People that you work with can be odd, crazy or just downright malicious and power hungry at times. My personal board discipline was well deserved. However, during 10 years of full time practice I saw a number of good nurses run out of facilities for nothing more than personality conflicts. All of us here understand the fear of losing the job and not knowing what to expect from the board. If you have a group of Nurses in recovery in your area this can be of great benefit. Regular 12 step meetings are wonderful for recovery. However, when you are dealing with your license and the board it is a great help to have the experience of people that are going through or have been through situations with the board. In my estimation 2 weeks is not a very long time to wait for the board to respond (although I know it seems like a lifetime). It took my state board almost 3 years to discipline me after having been reported. It took them 6 months to respond to my request for reduction of license probation. Move forward with your life as best you can. You are doing everything you can already to set the record straight. To borrow from Desiderata: "Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass." also "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

This is my experience and opinion with the MO state board only. I was disciplined for diversion of narcotics for a period of 5 years. I received no criminal consequences from this and this was a first offense. I did consult with 2 separate nurse attorneys prior to meeting with the board but in the end did not retain council. I do not regret this action. MO does not have PNAP (although we are working on it) and I had no way to avoid what was coming to me whether I had an attorney or not. Three years into my probation I petitioned the board for a reduction of 3 years to 5 years. I did this on my own without legal counsel or representation. I simply wrote the board a letter outlining my recovery and such and provided supporting documentation. The first thing to keep in mind with any 'administrative' agency is that they have only one purpose and that is to protect the public. They have no other interest in you other than as it relates to the public. Second, they have broad discretion. While they do follow the law they also set their own rules. Third, they are a government agency and as such they are political. Due to this political nature many of their decisions may seem erratic at times depending on who is in charge at any given election cycle. The first rule of thumb in politics is CYA. Fourth, most state boards are overloaded with administrative cases. From a strictly human and work perspective they would prefer to have as little contact with you and me as possible as it is a drain on their resources. Fifth, what is an attorney going to do for you that you cannot do for yourself? In some cases this might be a lot in others it might be nothing at all. My sense is that regardless of whether or not you obtain an attorney you will have to go through the probation that you avoided initially. This is based on my experience talking with nurses in recovery in the state of MO. We have a group that meets 2 times per month and I have been attending for 3 years. The last thing to take into account is how important it is to you. You have stated that 'Nursing is your passion'. That's a pretty strong statement. Given your strong feelings you might want to consider consulting an attorney after all. I would highly recommend consulting with one that is familiar with the State Board of Nursing in MO and has dealt with them before. If you are going for it you might as well go all in and give it your best effort. My personal opinion regarding the benefit of retaining counsel for dealings with the board is of the political nature not the legal issues. Lawyers know lawyers and politicians. Many of them have undergraduate degrees in political science. Many of them attend the same seminars and serve on inter-related boards. I applaud your effort in taking up this challenge and wish you the best.:yeah:

I apologize for being unfamiliar with the acronyms DMU or PNAP. Under my discipline agreement with the state board I am required to call my testing facility every day which I have done for almost 3 years now. Typically, I am selected randomly once per month to provide a urine sample. There have been a couple of months when I have been selected twice.

Recently, I received an administrative email concerning something that I posted. I do not have the ability to respond to the person or I would have done so personally. I feel that the email that I received was only out of concern and I appreciate that sentiment. In any event, I want to clarify what I meant and detail the subject a little more in depth. Life here, as we know it, will not last forever. This statement seems like a no-brainer on the surface. In fact, most of us as nurses and recovering addicts have first hand knowledge of this subject. Even for our best efforts no one escapes death. My statement was that one of the things that I credit for my recovery is the realization that this life will not last forever. Perhaps this seems a little morbid to some. To me though, this is just one of many strong realities that I avoided for many years. The fact that I can and will die someday makes me not take myself so seriously. I no longer have to chase after the next fix. In fact, there is no fix for what ails me. Life is a terminal condition. This brings me to the subject of addictions in general. Our culture is predominated by messages that tell us that we will be happy if only we have (fill in the blank). This is what I refer to as "Ifonlyism". If only I were taller, shorter, thinner, more muscular etc... If only I were green, blue, white or brown.... If only I had that new gadget, car or house. If only I had more that. If only I had less of this. If only I could find the right combination of drugs!! If only...... then things would be perfect! HA!!!! This is a tough current to swim against. My general feeling is the reason for 'ifonlyism' is to avoid the subject of our inevitable demise and the subject of personal suffering. After all, as long as we are pursuing stuff we don't need to look at ourselves and what is really most unsatisfactory. Ifonlyism gives us a chance to live life unconsciously. As hard as it is to live consciously and mindfully, I am committed to this way today. Not because I love being mindful but rather because I love myself today. I love who I am. I am exactly who I am supposed to be. That does not make me perfect it just makes me aware (sometimes). Some things about myself I don't always like but it beats the alternative. The alternative being a life of denial and misery. The ultimate reality is right here right now. Yesterday is a shadow and tomorrow is an educated guess at best.

i am a nurse from mo. clean date spring 2005. short version = opiate diversion 2005 reported by employer and dismissed from job. bon probation 5 years but not disciplined until 2008. requested probation reduction from bon in 2009 = denied. requested probation reduction in 2010 = approved. probation reduced to 3 years = ends feb 2011. job = internet customer ops x's 3 years now. credit goes to: supportive family physical exercise meetings meditation supportive family living simply nurses in recovery group which meets close to my home. the very clear realization that none of us will get out of this alive.