Quote from RN4HUGS
My only solace is that I have a license that is completely intact and still have a good job and a supportive husband.
I honestly can say that I would never put a patient in harms way or anyone else for that matter.
Just overwhelmed right now....any words of wisdom?
You are correct, you do have some significant blessings in your life. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get through this. It's normal to feel fear about the unknown, especially when it can have a huge detrimental impact on our lives. There are many, many people who have been where you are. Some used alcohol, others have used a variety of mood altering substances. This disease is progressive. Without help, the addict's disease will progress. The rapidity of progression is determined by your particular genetic allele and the substance you abuse. With alcohol it can take 15 - 20 years before you reach the level of deterioration that I reached in 5 - 6 months. My drugs of "choice" were fentanyl and sufentanil. The average rate of decline with those meds are 3 - 6 months. The bottom line is that without a solid program for remaining in recovery, your disease will advance, and at some point, you will put patients and others at risk. Not because you choose to, but because the disease eventually takes away your ability to control your use.
I never thought I would become addicted to anything. I only became drunk twice in my life. Hated the feeling. Never tried marijuana in any form. Have never tried cocaine or any other illegal substance. Never had more than a traffic violation. I hated the addicts that would show up in the ER where I worked as an RN. Never did I realize I would become dependent on opioids. Chronic pain eventually became bad enough that I was using pain medication more frequently. Eventually I had a spinal fusion, but not before my addiction was triggered. Within 5 short months, I almost committed suicide (it was the only course that made sense in my messed up brain) and was diverting and using several times a day everyday. I never thought I would ever put a patient, family member or strangers in danger...yet as my disease progressed, that's exactly what I did!
It took you courage to do what you did. And while you're having second thoughts, I'm proud of the guts you displayed. Do what ISNAP recommends. Focus on your recovery. Learn as much about the disease as you can. Learn as much about relapse as possible and develop a plan to deal with that very real possibility. This disease has nothing to do with willpower or "strong moral character". It has everything to do with a chronic, progressive, ultimately fatal if untreated disease.
Feel free to PM anytime.