About nine months ago I decided I wanted to officially become a nurse. I have a child with type 1 diabetes, I was working as a parent advocate getting the medically fragile accomodated in schools, working with pediatric endo's all over the state, registered with the state, county, and my doctors office as a support parent. So we are pretty much talking about advocacy, and the intense management of a child type 1, as well as encouraging and supporting parents as their child went from MDI to insulin pump therapy. I felt so sure about everything.
Over the past nine months or so, I have worked so hard to try to get into the nursing program at MCC, and last week I started to question whether or not I was smart enough to actually do it. Seriously, when did a 93% on an A & P exam become a poor grade. I realized that my way of thinking had become rather rediculously scewed through out the course of the last two semesters. I have a 97%-98% in the class, that is nothing to be upset about, it's a tough course, the problem for me was that prior to my exam I had a solid 99% (close to perfect).
Yesterday, I found myself talking to another A & P student and telling her, "You know what, a test is not a reflection of who you are, it does not define you, and it is not a determinant of how intelligent you are. It's just whether or not you learned what was important to the instructor, and quite frankly, this was the best that you and I could do that particular day." Life is demanding sometimes, and things can't be perfect. I told her that if I didn't get in this time, I would go at it one more time, but that was it, as the perfection level required to get in is crazy and leaving me constantly worried about every single point.
On my drive home I was thinking to myself, (it's okay to not get in, it's okay to fail sometimes) I just wanted to know one way or the other, and proceeded to give myself a pep talk over my probable failure, and looked on the bright side of being off of the perfect hook. I arrived home to find my letter in the mail. I'm in at MCC.
Even though I was really excited about getting in, I was more excited that I didn't have to preform perfectly all of the time, that I didn't have to beat myself up over a 93% any more, that I could actually enjoy my instructors and time in class. It made me laugh and then almost cry. Finally, I don't have to be perfect, I just get to be who I am. What a relief!
One more unit in A & P and now I will get to enjoy it, and be okay with less than perfect. It made me think about how funny life is, how disproportionate things can become, and how tiring perfection can be.
To all of those who did not get in this time, I hope that you give it one more shot, it is tough preforming at such a high level always, but it isn't forever either. Just for the record, I had a 4.00 and a 91 on the Hesi, so I wasn't breaking any records. I was told from the beginning that I would not get in from just about everyone at school. Part of me wishes I could go back and say, "See, I told you I could do it." But actually, I am grateful to those who told me that I could. So thank you!
For those of you who are still working on the process, you can do it, I believe in you, and please don't ever let someone tell you that you can't, or that it's not okay to be less than perfect.
