New grad with HCA specialty contract--severe anxiety, need advice

[Elisgirl]

Hi all,

I was hired as a new grad in a specialty area by an HCA facility and I was required to sign a 2 year contract in return for 2 months of classroom training and a 3 month preceptorship. I have found that I am so stressed out in this particular specialty--the highly litigious nature of the specialty and the stress of the job itself are both causing me so much anxiety and dread. I am seeing a psychiatrist now and was prescribed Buspar. I am also crying far too often at home due to dreading going to work. I do have a history of anxiety but it has been managed well for a long time until this job.

I had no idea I would feel like this since I didn't know much about the specialty (L&D) before I started and I was really just so happy to get offered a job after looking and applying to so many places and I had no other offers at the time. I don't know if I can handle staying for 2 years feeling the way that I do--I'm not an adrenaline junkie, which seems to be required in this specialty. I want to give it a year, though--see if my anxiety gets better as I get more skilled at the job, etc. Transferring to another department right now is not an option since my contract states specifically I have to work in this particular dept. for 2 years or else I'm breaking contract and owe them money ($8000 if breaking contract the 1st year, $4000 if breaking the second year--they prorate it to $333 a month until you pay it off, according to my contract, so I would have to pay back $4000 if I left after a year.)

Question is this--if I was agreeable to making payments to pay off the $4000 at the end of the year and ask to be transferred to another dept within HCA (like if a psych RN position were open, etc.), is that something that could be possible or would that not be allowed even if I paid the $4000 for the other specialty training that I owed? Psych is my first love and always has been--this has always been my goal and yes, I know psych can be stressful too but it is a different kind of stress, one which I am very good at handling. Just looking for advice from people in the know. Life is too short to be stressed all the time and it is affecting my life too much. Thanks.

[Elisgirl]

By the way, I have only been there 3 months. Preceptorship ends in 2 weeks and I will be on my own.

[rbs105, ADN, MSN, RN]

Hi Elisgirl-

Can you talk to a nurse recruiter to find out what the stipulations are? These are questions that would only be able to be answered by the company. I guarantee you are not the first though. There are usually 'outs' but you might have to do some digging.

I had worked about 6 weeks in my first job and was in the exact same situation as far as anxiety, dreading going to work, crying all the time, etc. You are right-it's not worth it. I managed to transfer to a different specialty and it completely transformed my experience. It is worth it to ask. If you are stressed out you are going to be functioning in fear. If you are functioning in fear, you will make mistakes. It's just too hard to focus when all of that is going on.

Ask....and hang in there. You aren't alone. Trust me. They planned on this when they made the contract. Keep us posted....good luck!

rbs105

[Mysteriousdarkness]

I too am ( or was) a nurse with anxiety and depression and completely Get your fear snd dread/ I used to cry every day before going to work and even AT work. I got really anxious, depressed. I tried changing wards, specialities, I got therapy, I swapped antidepressants and increased dosages- for me it was simply that nursing wasn't for me. But I ended up having a breakdown caused by the extreme anxiety I suffered- this was after 5 years nursing and of trying to learn to cope. But nursing just wasn't for me- there was no therapy or medication in the world that would make it ok. So when I broke down and couldn't cope, my doctor signed me off work due to extreme anxiety/ depression made worse by being a nurse. But leaving this way has probably destroyed my career- I imagine no nurse recruiter would ever hire me again because I'm a liability- there is always the chance I'll have a breakdown again. Why would anyone risk hiring such a nurse? But I knew this- I accepted this because I needed to get OUT. I knew nursing wasn't for me so it didn't matter if I burned all my bridges and my career. I am now unregistered- I never want to nurse again. I knew that nursing- not a particular ward or area- but any kind of nursing- that's what was destroying me. Swapping wards wasn't an option- getting out was my only choice. It was nursing in general that was causing my suffering,

you are in a different state to me though- you don't want to destroy your entire career., you just want a different area, your anxiety seems to only be related to your specific area. You want to be a psych nurse so you have to find a way to get there without burning your bridges and harming your career now.

It's worth remembering that ALL grads suffer in their first year- the first year is the hardest. Remember I tried for 5 years in many different areas of nursing before realising it wasn't for me- you can't give up yet- the first year is the hardest by far!!!! There is nothing in nursing school that prepares you for the real hospital ward- what really happens, the high amounts of stress, the reality you could make a mistake, the stress of seeing people sick and dying. Even mentally healthy new grads are often traumatised and terrified in their first year- this is normal. As a more senior nurse I have hugged many crying, traumatised grads who were going nuts In first year. I have seen new grads turn to alcohol, I've seen them go home crying, I've seen them have to take stress leave. This is not uncommon- infact I'd say many grads go through this crisis. It's just one of those things. There really should be more support for grads- more counselling and therapy to help them cope with the things they suddenly have to deal with!! All those kids just out of college who are suddenly faced withs ll that stress and responsibility! What a stressful time!!

But they learned to cope and most of them by the end of the first year were *amazing* nurses. Really truly amazing. They learned to cope. New grads suffer terribly- this is widely known. But they become amazing nurses.

You suffer even worse because you already have anxiety. You might be able to increase your dose of antidepressant or even change medications entirely, and with some therapy you hopefully can learn to cope with at least one year or even the two in your current ward- and imagine how good that will look on your resume! Your career would be set- you'd stroll right into a psych ward, they'd snap you up in a second. Learning to cope with therapy/ medication and learning to cope with this anxiety might be the very making of you as an amazing nurse- you could overcome this and become a very resilient, very strong snd emotionally capable nurse who can cope with any stress thrown at you. You don't have to end up where I did. Don't get so sick you burn your entire career. This might be your challenge as a nurse and as a person- if you get the right medication and the right therapy this could be the very making of you!!!! This could give you the stepping stone you need to achieve your dream. Plus if you can overcome your own mental illness- imagine how good of a psych nurse you'll be. You'll know exactly what those psych patients are going through and know exactly how to help them- because you've been there yourself. See if you can get yourself a good therapist and maybe consider increasing your antidepressant if your doctor thinks that would help.

if you don't think any amount of therapy or tablets will help you get through this- though I'd give that a damn good try first- then only after you've tried then your only other move is you need to find a way out without killing your reputation and future in your career. You tread a fine line- you need to make it clear that it is only this specific stress caused by this specific ward that is causing your anxiety and that anxiety would disappear in another area- especially your dream psych job. Make it very clear- with backup by your psych- that it's something in your particular ward that's doing it- the high medical responsibility or whatever- and that stress is not present in the psych ward. Make sure they can't possibly think that your anxiety would carry over to psych- it is ONLy because of the ward you're in. But you're still better off trying to learn to cope- that'll be the best result for you and could teach you resilience for the rest of your career.

dont give up yet!,